Tuesday, October 1, 2013

It Is Working


We seem to have found our little niche in TTWD I am at peace with what we are doing and Bobbie is more relaxed and she is able to let her hair down. The reason for this post is to give you readers who have been following our new adventure on how our alternate discipline is going. Bobbie is going to input her thoughts on this subject. My writings will be black and her response will be blue.

I am pleased to say that this new type of discipline that we are trying is very agreeable to Bobbie's mind set and she is no longer worried how she is going to react if I try spanking her or give her CT if she breaks one of the rules we have set in place.

This new discipline style that we have adapted has put my mind at ease.  I can handle my punishment in a much more calming way.  It makes me reflect on what I have done and at the same time doesnt belittle me. Gives me more confidence in myself.

She is even self-monitoring herself. She even tells me when she has not done what we have agreed on. She has done this on a couple of occasions and although it is great that she is doing this, I am not comfortable because I feel like I am taking advantage of her. As if I am the one that is slacking off and not giving her my all in this endeavor.

I keep telling him it is okay if I tell on myself.  Is this not the honesty part of the program? He cannot be constantly watching me and on alert 24/7.

As you all know Bobbie has to email me every day. Her deadline is 12 am and if she doesnt send it to me by that time she knows that she will lose her electronics and her reading time for a whole day she gets everything back at 12 a.m.

The first time she told me she didnt write in the morning I looked at my email to verify that she didnt. I wanted to tell her that since I didnt catch her that it was ok. But I thought better of it and kept my mouth shut and let her work this out on her own.

She concluded that she should have her electronics and reading time taken away because she did not live up to her side of the bargain. She did not know that she hit a cord inside of me. I felt that I should have caught it and it should not have been her to step up and tell me she failed but I said to myself I would be more alert in her writing.

Two days ago she came up to me and preceded to tell me that she didnt write again and that she would have to give up her electronics and reading time once more. Then she got real upset with herself.

When she was telling me this and I was watching her war with herself justifying her actions I suddenly felt inadequate and felt guilty like I was cheating her by not paying more attention to what was going on with the two of us. If I am missing this little task what else am I missing? How can I ask her to do this if I am not even watching what is going on.

I apologized to her for not paying more attention to what was going on and that I wasnt holding up my end of the deal. She looked at me and said it is not your job to monitor me. it is my job to make sure I do what I promised and if it doesn't happen then I pay the price for failing.

TTWD has a way of gentle way of teaching everyone that there is always something new to learn and a way in humbling the the HOH and uplifting the tih's. In this case it has taught Bobbie how to be accountable and it has shown me that I have more work to do to being her true HOH.

When oh when is he going to learn that yes he should bring things to my attention when I dont do something we have agreed upon, but in the same breath am I not accountable for the rules also? Just because he doesn't always read his email doesn't mean that he is neglecting me or ignoring me. It just means that he is human. Sometimes that is the problem with our HOHs. They think that for them to error is unforgivable.

In the beginning of this journey that was my biggest problem. Losing my identity as a woman and equality in our relationship. If it is his responsibility alone to catch me, then I am not holding up my part of the bargain.  And from what I have read and learned this is an equal opportunity relationship. If I want to be treated like an equal I have to be proactive in ttwd.

19 comments:

  1. Glad you found what works for you. That's was TTWD is all about.

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    1. It took the both of us awhile to figure that out. He had read so much about this lifestyle that he thought this is the way it should be no matter what and in my mind it was no way am I going to do that. I think we are on the right track and we are definitely on the right track.

      Bobbie

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  2. I like this blogpost. Thank you, for it, B+B.

    What good Bob and Bobbie, that you have found something that works for you.

    Bob, what electronic gadgets you'll lose if you do wrong? Do you give any self-punishment? You know, to be fair to Bobbie .. lol
    (OK, this is a rhetorical question .. lol ..)

    Bobbie, how would you react if Bob and you would reward you for good behavior instead of punishing yourself for bad one?

    Research shows that positive motivation is much better than negative with CP included to change bad bahavior. That's why CP is banned throughout Europe. Instead of running two steps behind and get punishment for what you have done, you could have something in mind two steps ahead of you and try to achieve it .. And then maybe Bob can offer baths with candles, foot masage .. Bob can surely find things which can pleas you and HIM..lol...

    What do you think Bobbie about it?
    I would personally go over seas and mountains .. to achieve it and please me and my husband ..
    And you can still have your GG spanking...and you your electornics...lol...

    Hugs,
    MOna Lisa.

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    1. Hi Mona

      Please Mona, I can't keep the woman any happier than she already is. lol

      Bob

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  3. This is a great and thought provoking post Bob and Bobbie. I'm so happy to hear you have found what works for you.

    In our relationship Rick expects me to 'confess' rule breaks. There are certain rules that given the nature of them, and the fact that he can't be with me constantly he would not know if I broke them without me telling him. There have also been things we maybe should have 'caught' me on, but didn't. As Bobbie said, he is human and it doesn't mean he is neglecting me.

    For us it's about accountability and also trust. He trusts me to follow our agreed rules and I agree to be held accountable for my actions. Neither of these things can fully work if I break rules without him knowing. That's my 2 cents worth :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Roz I am so glad that you wrote this. Bob is now seeing my side of the coin. He feels a little bit better about the tattling part now. :0)

      Bobbie

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    2. Thank you Roz for your two cents :)

      I am not use to having Bobbie come up to me saying she has messed up. This is still a strange concept to me. But one that I am getting used to.

      Bob

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  4. I think it us great that u all have found what works. It is nice when u do. As far as u bob u have to let Bobbie grow and let her see her miss ups and have the strength to tell u knowing she is going to be in trouble but it should also show u that she trust enough to help her improve but not feel belittled. And Bobbie it is an hoh thing. Lol bee loves it when I bring up I have done something wrong when he is not around but if he is here and dise not see it and I tell him he feels the same way as bob. Good luck you all.

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    1. Hi butterfly. Spoken like a true tih.

      Bobbie

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    2. LOL butterfly, your words are so true and I won't let Bobbie down by stopping her to tell me that she has messed up

      Bob

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    3. We all have to learn and we start with each other. Learning is what gives us trust.

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  5. Bobby, it sounds like you are growing so beautifully in this, and coming to like the structure. Bob, listen to her, we don't expect perfection from our Hoh's. Would you rather she take control and give you a rule to check the email every day at noon and then gain control instead? ;) {Bobbie, don't listen to that and get any ideas, just teasing him!} ;)

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    1. Oh darn it Es May I was going to stage a take over. LOL

      Bobbie

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  6. I liked reading Bobbie's perspective - she's totally on board with you and that is great. I'm so glad that you've both found a way to work together on this. I think she's right too - it's not all one sided, so rather than feel like you've let her down when you miss an email, be glad that comes to you with it and that she's joined you so whole heartedly. She's not feeling that you are lacking in any way, so why should you?

    Hugs to you both :)

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    1. Hello Cali Mom

      she is more on board than I ever thought she was and she is starting to teach me some new things about this new relationship.

      Bob

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  7. Hi Bob and Bobbie, :)

    I liked your post format. It was neat to hear you both speak about your thoughts regarding responsibility to eachother. Thanks for sharing!

    I liked what Bobbie had to say about letting you know when she has misstepped. You guys are human too and it is impossible to get it right every time. I always go back to the word TRUST with ttwd. It is a choice to give deeply to eachother, and that means owning up and being honest when things don't go exactly as you've agreed that they should. In my eyes one should feel free to do so without fear, but with love. Looks like that's what you have here! I'm glad it's working so well for you in your own way! :) Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. I learn so much about Bobbie when she posts because every time I don't think she gets it she surprises the heck out of me with her wisdom and understanding about ttwd.

      Bob

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  8. I agree with Roz. We have a set structure and if I have broken the rules he trust me to come to him and tell him. There are things he would never know if I didn't tell him and it is those times that help him to see that I take this seriously. Glad you two are doing well.

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    1. Hello Zoe

      This is something I never thought would happen because in the past she would have never said any thing about it and now she is telling me that she trusts me so much more, it is humbling

      Bob

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