Friday, October 18, 2013

What Do You Do?

The other day we were talking to a good friend of ours that is also in a DD relationship and she told us that they were through, finished, that they could not carry on like this that it hurt too much to try and keep it together.

What do you do, what can you say when your friend drops a bomb saying DD is done?

Bobbie and I were speechless. Of all the people that we thought were stable it was them. And then to learn it was on sandy grounds for a long time was disheartening to say the least.

She proceeded to tell us the story how she did not trust him anymore. That he crossed the point of no return. He punished her out of anger. He spanked her a bit hard yes, but he also said things that were hurtful, cut deep to the bone.

What do you do, what can you say?

After he came to his senses he realized what he did and he apologized for what he did. He was so shocked at his own actions that he withdrew contact from his wife and he went into his shell. She took this as another blow to her already damaged relationship that he was still angry and she started to build up walls to surround her so she can’t get hurt again. 

What do you do, what can you say?

After things cooled down they started getting closer learning to forgive and forget but the walls were entrenched. He wanted to continue DD but to go slowly to work at what happened. She said yes. They talked and worked things out. But when it came time to reinstate the rules that they made she froze and refused to let him lead.

What do you do, what can you say?

After a couple pots of coffee, it all came out that she was pushing because she wanted a hard spanking. One that would hurt and she pushed hard to get it. He had a stressful day that day and he snapped. I know, not very HOH like, but it happened. After all we are all human. So he gave her the hard spanking she wanted and he went a little too hard. He said he was tired of listening to her whine about DD and how he wasn’t doing his part of keeping DD together and he said he didn’t want to do it anymore.

What do you do, what can you say when a friend comes to you and tells you that they have a big gap in their relationship. Do you just shut up and listen to their story or do you try to figure it out? Do you give them advice on how you see to fix the problem or do you pretend it never happened? 

What do you do, what can you say?



  1. Personally, I think I'd need a little more info to be able to attempt an answer to some of the questions posed.
    How long has the couple mentioned been living a DD dynamic in their relationship? How to proceed helping them depends a lot on how long and where they have been gathering their information and researching. Do they have a set process and plan built in?

    As we all know, there's the harsh truth that just because DD works for so many of us , it doesn't mean it work for everyone.
    If they're new. There's the possibility that sometimes after someone Comes Out about DD, they kind of relax a little. For a successful and continuing DD relationship, right after Coming Out, the real work begins. DD isn't a magic pill that makes everything wonderful in a relationship, it takes hard work and commitment.
    It's hard to answer all the questions above without more insight, but sometimes people think DD is about spanking. If the frequency of spankings slow down, become too hard, not hard enough etc... one or both partners think there's something wrong with the DD aspect of their relationship. In reality, DD is about the relationship as a whole and individual needs within each person in the relationship.
    You mention "pushing" That sometimes means manipulating to get something without being up front and honest to begin with. You also mentioned that the HoH felt the TiH was "whining" about DD. IMO, when a couple is using negative verbalizations about each other, there's some underlying resentments there. I suggest relaxing the spanking focus and re-setting the DD part of their dynamic from first readdressing their Consent. Without both partners verbally acknowledging 100% to each other that they both want a DD relationship, there's no reason to proceed. If both partners are 100% committed to continue forward, then comes a plan of building a communication process. Patiently.
    (sorry for writing a mini post lol)
    Your friend,
    # MrBBSpanker

  2. Oh gosh Bob, this is so difficult because you only know what they are telling you and perhaps not the full picture or the underlying issues. In my humble opinion, I think the best thing would be to encourage them to communicate. I know we are always saying how important communication is, but it is vital, even more so in this situation.

    I also agree with Mr BBabout readdressing consent. Perhaps they need to take a step back for a while and focus on trying to reconnect as a couple.


  3. I would have to agree, readdressing consent and lots of communication. she pushed for the spanking and he went too far with the spanking then maybe they should go slow and keep everything but the spanking for a while. And once the trust and communication comes back, then they can talk about slowly adding that back. DD is so much more then spanking, it's respect and how we treat each other and most importantly, communication.

  4. Everyone goes through struggles. We had a time when we thought we were "done" and I have to say, as much as this lifestyle works for us and we're both dedicated to TTWD, things happen. I've been spanked in anger. Jason has withdrawn. I've pushed and hurt him. Things happen, and it sucks, but when people love each other, they move on. Sometimes people need a bit of advice. I'd advise this couple to use a safe word as a pause, and to honor that, or maybe take a break from TTWD. Sometimes people need distance.

    But mostly we need to be understanding that no dynamic is perfect, and that we all go through things like this. I think mostly I'd say "I'm sorry you're going through this right now, let me know if you need to talk."

    It can be reeling to be on the other end -- that stable couple you think has it all together doesn't. It can make you rethink your own dynamic. But I think mostly it's a reminder that no one is perfect...


  5. I can remember me calling someone saying the same thing and someone let me talk it out and gave me ideas on what to do then let us do the work. In this life just like in any lifestyle there are things that happen. We have to move on and find a way to bring closer to the past. Talking is key. Listen and give ideas bob you know what u are doing. Having someone to talk to normal helps talk out the trouble. SO JUST BE U and you got the rest.

    1. Hello butterfly

      What a wise person that was and thank you for reminding me that I should follow my own advice lol