Saturday, March 26, 2016

Email




A while back I got a email from a person I am calling xxxxxxxx and they weren't going batso trying to save Bobbie and me from ourselves. They were polite in their questions about DD and at first I wasn't going to answer the email but then thought it would be an interesting conversation to see where it would go.  

I am very interested in what would you have said if they sent it to you?



Bob

So, I have read all your blog, interesting reading for sure. 

I want to say, that you are of course free to choose whatever kind of relationship you want, as long as you both consented, but your pseudo-philosophical justifications of your lifestyle's superiority are just a mockery of reason. 

How can anyone claim that letting someone to make all decisions about myself does not mean i gave up my independence? It means exactly that, to claim otherwise is to claim contradiction in terms, you can't eat a cookie and have a cookie at the same time, you can't give up something and still have it, simple as that. 

How can you argue that giving someone all the power over myself does not mean sacrificing my own ambitions, desires, goals, needs or even personality? It means exactly that, when i am able to do only as much as he allows me, he can order me to do anything he wants, he can forbid me everything he feels right, so it means exactly that, sacrificing own ego, giving away all my will, with only a vague hope that he will not be too harsh with me, but even if he is, i still have no other choice but to submit.

If i want to do something you don't want me to do, and after all disscusion, at the end it is i who have to yield and resign, it means that my will was sacrificed on the altar of yours, defeated by your right to enforce rules on me, it's a mere fact, all your reasons does not matter, facts are not disputable. 

Also, it is hard not to laugh to read that a person described as "strong" needs someone to set her rules and to enforce them by using physical violence (something we are usually not doing even to kids anymore, really...), is it really a "strong" person which needs an overlord to take care of her life? Something around 99% of the population doesn't need? Is this some kind of dialectics? What does this "strong" means? Giving up control over your life, sacrificing your mind and free will and puting yourself completely at the mercy of someone has nothing to do with strength of any kind, in every definition or example i've heard of. 

I hope for an answer.

xxxxxxxxxxx


Hello xxxxxxxxx

First of all I want to say thank you for taking the time to read the whole blog. I am impressed that you did that plus you realize that this is our life the way we choose to live and because of that I will try to answer your questions to the best of my ability. Let me try to explain to you how a DD relationship is and is not. 

A DD relationship is NOT about one person nor is it about lording over their partner to subjugate them to be lesser than what they are capable of being. They are not intimidated into silence by being afraid to speak their mind or to pursue their own desires in what makes them happy.

What a DD relationship actually entails is a loving caring environment between two people who agree to better their relationship in all that they do. They work as a TEAM so that they can enjoy each other and to also see that they reach their full potential in whatever they envision themselves to be.

This is the way Bobbie and I do our Domestic Discipline relationship. When we started DD many years ago we talked about how the dynamic might help and also hinder us in what we wanted to do. Once we agreed that the good outweighed the bad we wrote down what was important to us and what was not.

In our relationship, we decided that I would be the HOH (head of household) not because I am better than Bobbie but because I analyze and take my time in making a decision while Bobbie shoots from the hip when situations come up.

The next phase was to make up rules or goals that both of us would abide by. How did we do that? By writing down what was important to us at the time and passing the list to one another to critique if it should be added or not.

An example would be if Bobbie did not want a spanking for (insert rule here) then it would never happen because I respect her decision on how she wants it to be. This process took a long time it was not something we took lightly. So now that you know it was not for the kink or decided lightly to be one up on Bobbie I will try to give you a glimpse of how we operate.

Our rules are very few and we both have our chores to do like any other relationship, she cleans and cooks; I do the maintenance and yard work outside. I also help her clean and do the laundry when I am not doing my other chores. So you see I am not sitting on a throne cracking a whip telling Bobbie what to do.

I keep in touch with her by talking to her to see where she is on her emotion meter and if I see her stressing or is off on her chores I will pitch in to help her. If I don’t notice that she is to tell me that she needs help to get her back on track.

By doing this we have found that we have grown closer to one another because now neither one of us feels we are doing this alone. I want her to succeed in what she does. I don’t want to micromanage her. I married her because she is intelligent and can think on her own.

Bobbie can do most anything she wants. I will never hold her back. As for the money when it comes to purchases over x amount of dollars she is to tell me and we talk about it then make our decision accordingly and yes I am to follow the same rule. It is more common sense than anything else. 

If there is a big decision to be made that will affect us in a big way, we will talk about it. Voicing both sides as we see them and if she is still not in agreement with me I will sit back and think about what she has said and we will talk and research the problem together. Again this is something that I take very seriously. If she is that adamantly against it then I best listen to make sure I did not miss anything.

Now to the part of disciplining her I do nothing without her approval before hand. These are rules that she feels she needs help with. It is not to subjugate her to bend her knee to me but to make her feel better and that she can conquer anything she wants in life. It just so happens that spanking is not used. We tried it and it didn’t work for us. When one of her rules is broken, I usually take a personal thing away like no reading her book for the night.

Look at it this way when you’re on a trip with your husband their can only be one driver both of you can’t drive so that means either you or him can drive but it can’t be both. Although the driver has control of the wheel and knows that he needs to get from point A to point B he can’t do it alone. He needs a navigator. Someone who can tell him of all the possible routes to get there.

The navigator tells the driver of all the road blocks and hazards along the way because they are constantly communicating to one another. This does not mean there will not be bumps or detours along the way but that there will be fewer of them.

I can only vouch for Bobbie and I how we do things talk to someone else and you will get something different. I hope this answers your questions on why and how we do DD.


Hi

You see, i have read a lot of DD (for me, these letters were always abreviation from "Dungeons and Dragons") blogs recently, i have found that subculture (don't know if it's a right word, but it was the first that came to my mind) just by an accident, and i was kind of disturbed by what i have read.  

Well, it's your life, i don't have a right to tell you what to do, it's simply not up to me to decide. Also, i don't want to discuss about feelings, feelings are completely subjective, the same thing that makes you joyful, can make me angry, so no common ground here. I just hope you understand that you may feel well in such kind of relationship, and it may bring good results to you, but it does not mean that anyone else would feel the same, and that anyone else would want that. I also hope you understand that things such as creating loving enviroment, communicating, growing close to and enjoying each other are by no means exclusive to your lifestyle. 

As for the rest, you claim that it's not about subjugating or lording over your partner, but i see it's evidently that way. You may value her opinion very much, and it may be very important for you to hear it, but as long as you have a final authority over everything, and you are the one making final decisions, it has to actually mean that at the end, after all discussion you can act against her judgement, you can force her to do something she doesn't want to, and you can forbid her something, otherwise it would mean you don't have a full authority and there are decisions you can't make. So if you are not enforcing something on her, it's only because of your goodwill, but it still means (at least theoretical) that you can do it and she can't resist. If you were never going to use that power, there would be no point in even having it. Imagine yourself a despotic monarch, like egyptian pharaoh, there are no boundaries to his power, there is not a thing he can't do, he may be all nice, carring and merciful, but it's only his choise no to use his unlimited power, and all his subjects are at his mercy all the time.  

About disciplining her, well, if she feels she needs it to feel better and to help her achieve her goals, i am not going to judge. But taking away my personal things is something my parents were doing when i was a little girl, i find it really difficult to understand that a grown, intelligent woman may need something like that, for me it looks like some kind of fetish only. It is also kind of strange that only one of you need to be constantly disciplined for breaking the rules both of you previously agreed to establish, were they especially created for her to follow, not for both of you?  

You analogy about car driving is not convincing. When you are driving a car, there is only one obvious goal, to drive from point a to point b, and only one way to achieve that. In a relationship, you can't say something like that. Of course we may say that, for example, loving each other, or making our lives better are such obvious goals, well, absolutely, but those mean nothing without context, probably they don't have the same meaning for us, and we wouldn't agree on a way to achieve them.  

But at the end, i dissagree with your lifestyle, but i can respect your choice, as long as you do accept mine (by the way, some other DD bloger i have written to were arguing that i should submit even if i don't want to, and even if it doesn't make me happy, because it's "natural", really, do people never get tired of this appeal to nature fallacy?).  

Best regards 


Hello xxxxxxx 

Thank you for writing back I was wondering what you thought about my observation on DD lol and it was what I thought it would be.  

Just to let you know when I answered your first email it was not my intent to try to convince you in any way to join our little lifestyle because as you know and have indicated that this life style is not for everyone.

I would like to apologize for the person(s) that said that you must submit anyways because people like that are users they have no concept. on what a DD relationship is. As I have stated in my previous letter this is a two way street both parties must want it for it to work. But you have peaked my curiosity why since you think this life style is demeaning to woman why are you reading DD blogs? The reason I ask this question is because the only people that read such blogs are either researching the life style, has a kink about it or is on a mission on changing everyone's mind that this is bad and I have ruled out the latter that your not on a mission to save me lol. 

If I don't hear from you again you have a blessed life with your partner and I hope you are extremely happy in yours.


Bob   





 So what did I get out of this? This is really the first time I tried to explain what DD does for us and why we do it. At first I was happy with what I said but now the more I read it I think I could have explained it a bit better  but like all things in life this was a learning exercise in communicating what we do and why.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Bob



Tuesday, January 5, 2016

tih view


These are my thoughts on this subject and what works for us.  
I am a grown woman, not a little child, and I did not want to go into this relationship with Bob having to watch me constantly making sure I got the job done. Yes I need him to give me guidance but I do not need to be micromanaged. I also do not think it is his job to keep reminding me that something needs to be done.  After all how could I say I reached my goal with him constantly reminding m
For example:
When Bob and I first started this dynamic, we talked about wanting me to email him every day. Once we established the guidelines and made it a set rule, Bob would remind me if he did not receive an email by 10 p.m.  As we evolved and he was getting emails daily he no longer reminded me and left it up to me to remember. He now only reminds me if he knows I have had a stressful day or something was out of the norm.  Because he would know that I would forget and instead of letting me fail, he would gently remind me once to email him.  Once acknowledged then it is up to me to email him.
When we started this dynamic, and realized that we needed to change things I did not want Bob to do everything for me. I want to do this on my own. First to show him that I can do it and two because I know that if I don’t do it by myself it will mean nothing to me. It would like Bob would be making all my decisions and I would be mindlessly following him.
I do like when I get the occasional reminders because it gives me more confidence knowing that he is still paying attention. That the goals/rules that we set are still important to him and he is watching to make sure that they are accomplished
The perfect example is when Bob decided to write his post and I told him I would like to write my view. He reminded me a couple times but when he saw that I was starting to get stressed out he backed off for a day.  He said that you have until Tuesday to do it and I will be glad to help.  And the reason he offered his help is because I am a wonderful speller, grammar, and punctuation coach. But when it comes to putting my thoughts on paper or talking about them I stress.  Who would have thought that after 25 plus years of composing my own letters for work I would have a hard time?
I am happy to say that most of this is my own with a little guidance from Bob. 
Bobbie

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Happy New Year





              
      




Bob and Bobbie



                                                                         

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Bob and Bobbie's thoughts obout DD

Bobbie and I are going to try to write about what is going on in Billy and Sue's head in the little story below. This will be a two part post.

The Story 

Billy and Sue have been working diligently on their DD relationship for a couple of years now and Billy sees a huge improvement in the way Sue's outlook on life is. He is now seeing the fruits of their labor and now thinks they can enjoy each other's companionship the way they have always wanted and he doesn't have to be so ridged in how he has to conduct himself.

So Billy starts to focus his attention on other things that need to be done while still keeping an eye on Sue's progress. Billy's mind set is that all is well in their household and he is congratulating Sue and himself for finely getting to where they wanted to be in their relationship.

Sue is happy at the progress that they have made and is proud of the way Billy has stepped up and has been right there in the mix of things not letting her get away with too much with the rules they have made together.

After the talk they had about how good their relationship has gotten, she notices that she is starting to get edgy and anxious. Sue is trying to figure out what has changed, why is Billy different now? 

Sue talks to Billy about how she feels but neither one can figure out what has changed and very slowly Sue feels a break in their harmony and starts falling back to the way she was and starts to brat.

Billy is beside himself as things were going so good. He is doing what he should have and now Sue is having a nuclear meltdown and he is at ground zero. 

Sue thinks that Billy doesn't care as he has stopped telling her what to do as he no longer is the forceful man he was three weeks ago. In her mind he is acting as if he doesn't care and starts to take it out on him by falling back to the way things are.

So who's fault it? is it's Sue's fault or is it Billy's fault?

Hoh's view point

As a male HOH I am going to side with poor Billy for the moment because the man was and is still is very active in their DD dynamic. He is just focusing on what he thinks needs his attention at the time.

Most of us guys, as you probably know by now, aren't very expressive and engage in problem solving in a totally different way than you gals do. Since I can't speak for all men I can only speak for myself this is my thought process.

When Bobbie and I first started doing DD I had to be very active in what she was doing by keeping my end of the bargain helping her to get from point A to point C. 

As time went by I didn't have to voice my opinion as much as I use too and as we became more efficient in maintaining our roles and there was less for me to do.

 My thoughts were that we had done a good job so far and now we could enjoy ourselves and I didn't have to be the one carrying the hammer being the "bad guy" always correcting her.

Also I look at it as if the ship is sailing on its own power why try to fix it just do the maintenance and it will be running smooth for a long time.

It would be like a weekend mechanic and his son working on a car. He teaches him how to fix the car how to calibrate the engine and when it is done his son can now maintain the car without having to be reminded how and when it has to be done.

Now the weekend mechanic can set his attention on another area of the car while watching over his son making sure he is doing a good job and if he sees an error he tells him so then goes back to his own project.

This is the way I feel, Bobbie is my equal and my best buddy. We have worked hard together to get to where we are and I don't think I have to keep reminding her to do something she is now doing. I can now focus on other areas of our dynamic to enhance our relationship and perform maintenance as needed. 

Part 2 coming soon


Friday, December 25, 2015

Give Thanks

Wow this year flew by real fast didn't it? I was staring at the screen for the thousandth time wondering what I was going to write and sitting here in the quiet room because both Bobbie and Walter are snoring their little hearts, out I decided to write about what I am thankful for in our DD relationship.

I know those of us that have initiated DD first to our spouse or partner had a rough road and more than likely been may not be to where we want or perceive our DD relationship to be and at times it is reflected in our writings on how it is a struggle to maintain.  

First off I am thankful for Bobbie. For without her none of this would have happened. I might still be dreaming about DD or spanking some girl. She has come so far from being the vanilla queen of non kink to (drum role please) Mrs. Vader mistress of the dark side lol.

She has embraced DD after struggling trying to find her comfort zone in our DD relationship. She is becoming active in the DD community trying to help others searching for answers in their walk with DD. No we are not perfect and we still fight and bug each other but now we have learned how to talk to each other to solve our differences.

I am thankful for the friends that I have made in blog land although we may never see each other we have a common bond in that we support one another in our trials and tribulations.

You all are amazingly supportive. I have seen you circle the wagons when one of us are hurting, attacked, cheer for our successes and when one of us has a bitch session you also lend us your ear.

I am thankful for the close friends we have made chatting, texting and emailing each other. Through casual chats we have made some very close friends and have met them several times.


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Friday, September 25, 2015

Rambling Thoughts

There has been a lot of talk lately about how one spouse is always not engaged in TTWD  as much as the other and they almost never seem to live up to their partners potential and unfortunately the one who wants it the most is the one left holding the bag being hurt in the end.

It seems like we, the one who brought this lifestyle, are always in a catch up mode. It is three steps forward two steps back and then we have our bad days where it seems that what we have gained and are holding on tight like a life line see it slip from our tight grips falling ever so farther from us.

It seems we are forever explaining ourselves on why we think this is important in our lives when our spouse seems to be not so interested in it any more or when outside circumstances get in the way.

Another thorn in our sides is the inconsistences that our partners have, they (we) say xyz is going to happen and then it soon is forgotten and we get mad. Things are said and again the life line that we are hanging on to is less. These are but a few things that can happen and when they do happen make us lose more of our life line.

My personal opinion is that there are basically three things that cause our woes and it is US, Them, Real life.

The us: most of us have wanted this TTWD since what seems forever. We have eaten, drank and dreamt  about how we were going to our DD life style right down to the crossed t's and dotted i's and when it doesn't happen we get mad because they are inconsiderate in our feelings.

We try to force feed them the information on why this endeavor is such a great idea or when we see them less interested we try to manipulate the situation to get back to where we think we should be. Heck I even went so far as to pouting and throwing myself on the bed when Bobbie wasn't interested in doing DD any more.

LOL I even remember the time when we got into a big argument because at the time she didn't seem interested in doing DD. I would say fine then I quit too. I am never going to ask you to try to do DD either (sigh pretty pathetic huh)

Them: They have been living with us for 10, 15, 20, 30 years then one day over coffee we are telling them that we want a DD relationship in all it's glory and they were looking at us as if we lost our minds or some government experiment went awry and we were the end results.

They jump on board and start hot and heavy then when it's time to think things through they slow down not sure what to do. So for them the next best thing to do is nothing and things soon come to a screeching halt.

Then there is the person who has fought for every inch of real-estate and then is told all future fighting will cease and desist but he is so use to fighting he is looking at every encounter  for us to come out swinging.

Then sadly we have the person who is just not that interested in DD
and they see it as a job or just don't care to try to do it because of the responsibility's they will have.

Last one is real life. It has its own set of problems from health issues, kids to jobs. This can affect them in many ways and can be down right debilitating to try DD because they are expending all their energy taking care of real life problems.

So what do we do to fix it? Don't know sometimes I am in the same boat as all of you in fact I am sure we have passed ships once or twice lol.

What I try to do when I find myself in these predicaments is to sit back and look at the situation to see what Bobbie sees or take a break for a few days because with us we always seem to drift back to DD even when one of us fell off the boat.

The best tool that we have when used correctly is communication because as long as they are talking  they are interested and then maybe something you say will finely click and the great DD light bulb will stay on.

Having patience, love, self control and friends in this lifestyle doesn't hurt either.

As long as we desire this type of relationship we are the ones that will bear our souls, cry, cajole, finagle and say I am swearing off trying this while at the same time trying to figure out new ways to get them on board with DD.

One last thought for my fine readers if you are at this point in your life with DD. Think back to the days before you started DD, what were they like?

Now think of the times when DD was working or even the way it is now, which is better? Was it before DD or after DD? That answer in itself should let you know what your next steps will be.

My guess is your going to jump back in the ring and try it again till we get it right.

Bob