Friday, February 7, 2014

First Steps for DD

So you have read all the blogs and books about what a DD lifestyle is and how to start it or you may have had the desire to either be spanked or wanted to spank your partner. You have all this new knowledge and stacks of paper from blogs and web sites so you go to your partner and dump it on them and then find out that they are confused and you are upset because he or she can’t give you what you want.

Before running to your partner and jumping down the rabbit hole with both feet only to find out that you don’t fit and dumping months or years of information in their lap explaining DD to them and telling them about the joys, trials and tribulations of DD stop and ask yourself these questions. Why should they say yes to your desires? Have you shown them what it could be like to be in this type of relationship? Have you taken an active interest in their abilities to either be a leader or a submissive?

It would behoove you to start doing it now while you are researching and defining who you are. You could be showing your partner what it could be like to be in this type of lifestyle. If you are the tih, listen to your partner. Ask them for advice and go the extra mile to help them. Make them want to feel wanted and needed. If you are going to be the HOH, don’t just sit there barking orders and watching your partner struggle. Show them respect and help them achieve their goals whether it be getting chores done around the house, cooking, doing laundry, helping with that project that needs to get done. Actively converse with them in a conversation and make life a little easier by assisting them in whatever needs to be done.

While you are covertly demonstrating to your partner TTWD, it is time to work on your conversation with them. Put aside all that information right now and sit down and think of what DD means to you and be realistic. Forget about the romance books you have read and those steamy DD movies you saw. What you want to do now is write what you want to accomplish. What are your short, medium and long term goals? By this I mean where do you see your relationship a couple of months, a year, 5, 10 years from now? What role is your partner going to play in this new dynamic? What happens when there is a disagreement, when a rule is broken? Write them down and prioritize them with the most important on top to the least important on the bottom. Now you have a working idea of what you want. Now you can go back to the information you have collected and get rid of all the information that does not pertain to your new perspective of DD. Make a folder for your partner to read at a later date. Now you know it is time to go talk to your partner regarding what you have in mind.

Set a time when the two of you can be alone away from the phones, TV, kids and anything else that can distract you and your partner from giving and receiving both of your undivided attention. Tell them you have given this great thought about what you are going to present to them and at this time all you ask of them is to listen to it till the end and then think about the pros and cons of what you are going to tell them.

Talk calmly and plainly to them on how you vision your new adventure. Why you have chosen this type of lifestyle versus another type. Explain to them what DD is and what it is not. Why you want to try this, what its purpose is, and what your role and their role will be. Give them that packet that you made and tell them that you hope they will take the time to read what you have given them and that you would like to set up another time maybe a week from now so you can get their thoughts on the subject.

If at any time the conversation does not produce any fruit and they say no, politely ask them why they won’t consider it. There may be a legitimate reason why they said no. Please do not get mad at them or try to convince them to think otherwise because all you are going to do is build up walls and your partner will dig their heels in the ground because they will feel like you are forcing this on them and the end result is it will be harder to talk to them at a later date.

Ask them in passing while driving in the car with them, at dinner or even watching TV. Patience is the key ask them if you could talk about it another day or maybe they need more time to think about it but leave the packet with them.

At the second meeting ask them what they thought about it. Hopefully they will agree to talk more about DD or say they are interested in trying DD. Answer all their questions that you can and the ones that you can’t tell them honestly that you don’t know. This might be a good time to suggest at a later date the two of you research these questions together. Before you end this session ask them to think about what is important in their relationship from the most to the least important and set up another communication meeting in a couple of days.

On this meeting you now have enough information to talk about how the two of you are going to design this new lifestyle and how to fit it into your relationship. How you ask? Think of it as planning a vacation. Instead of visiting cities, states, or landmarks you are mapping out where you want to go in your relationship such as security, peace, love and happiness.

Now is the time to swap the lists that the two of you made eairler and see what matches. Then talk about them and find out why it is important to that person. After you have come up with a list of what is important to the two of you, prioritize them from the most to least important. Congratulations you have just created a road map, a brochure to guide you through TTWD and you have a workable plan that the two of you agree on.

Now that you have a list of what is important to the both of you and a destination, the fun can begin because you two are explorers in new undiscovered DD territory making this your own dynamic. It will be unique and will be like no other DD relationship out there.

During this communication meeting both of you should write down your strengths and weaknesses and also what you think you partner’s strengths and weakness are. Next both of you are to write down what you want or need changed in your life. Again swap papers, you will be surprised what you thought were your good traits weren’t and what you thought were not so good were just fine in their eyes.

With this information the two of you need to determine who is going to take on certain responsibilities. Some examples are the finances, organizing the house, cleaning, and etc. This should make working together much easier knowing who is responsible to take care of these tasks. The list may be long or short depending on where you are in your life.

Once again swap the list of likes and dislikes about each other. When you read this list, please don’t get mad or upset at your partner for telling you the truth and pointing out your weaknesses. Remember this is supposed to be a life changing lifestyle to make your relationship a better one.

You have now created the means of transportation to get from one destination to the other. Like everything else you may not have the means or experience to get to some of the destinations you want to go. As you work together and you learn more about each other, new and better tools will be acquired and old rules and destinations will be tossed to the side to make room for the new.

At this point I would suggest that you take a break here and set up another meeting because you have covered a lot of ground and information that probably needs to be analyzed, processed and readjusted into your plans.

This next meeting will consist of incorporating guidelines into your relationship. If you want to keep it very simple do the four D’s of Domestic Discipline they are Disrespect, Disobedience, Damaging behavior and Dishonesty. These four rules will cover a lot of the rules that you probably have on your list already. This is the time to talk to each other about how broken rules will be handled. Will it be by spanking the tih? Or will it be by other alternative methods. Whatever your decision is please make sure the two of you understand the ramifications of this.

Congratulations you now have a very simplistic guideline on how to set up a DD relationship. You have created a road map of where the two of you want your relationship to go. You also created a means of working together, one leading and one being the copilot both plotting a course to go from one destination to the other in your journey.

Communication does not end here. It is but only the beginning. You will find that this will be the most valuable tool you have at your disposal. To keep your momentum going it would be wise to set up time blocks to keep in touch with each other. They can be any amount of time that you want. Such as when you are riding together in the car, having coffee or even at a lunch.

I also suggest that you set aside at least one day a week to have a reality check to see if everything is going according to plan. This time should be set as a talk free zone where there will be no reprisals as long as it is done respectfully. Both parties should be able to say what they think about the rules or the direction in which they are going.

I purposely left out the subject of incorporating spanking into the mix because the tih is so focused on the spanking aspect that they really don’t want to discuss the other more important details of the negotiations. There highest priority is that they want to hear that the HOH will step up and spank them for the infractions that have been committed.



  1. Great information, very well presented. I bet it will be useful to many...thanks.
    hugs abby

    1. Hi abby

      Thanks for stopping by and I hope that it will help those who are searching for a way to tell their spouse about DD


  2. Thanks , Bob , another good blog post .

    A few thoughts .

    Let 's say there is a HOH , like you, who want DD relationship.
    A man who is Spanko who you are.
    As you wrote , .. " So you have read all the blogs and books about what a DD lifestyle is and how to start it or you May have had the desire to either be spanked or wanted to spank your partner. "

    And here we have the difference as I tried to explain to you in the last blog post. DD is not about spanking .
    DD is not about communikation , respect, and four D , these all come in all well-functioning vanilla ice vanilla and other relationships.
    So this is not really what makes DD special ..
    What makes DD special is that DD is about punishment .
    You can have Spanko relationship, and never use punishment . There goes it out to get or give spanking .
    But in DD relationship you do not need spankingn but you must have punishment otherwise it is not DD .
    There is a big , big difference.

    And now my question : How in the world a man gets his wife to accept DD relationship, if she does not have need for discipline and punishment ?
    Why not have just a spanking relationship?

    Hugs, Bob , and , please, give my greetings to Bobbie from me .

    Mona Lisa,
    (who lives in spanking ralation , but vil never ever lives in a DD relation.)

    1. Hello Mona glad to hear from you

      DD relationship is much more than just punishment Mona and you already know that Bobbie does not get spanked for discipline but has things taken away from her.

      Maybe you can explain to me how you see DD in a bit more detail that what was above and then I might be able to tell you where I am coming from or maybe we could write it together you taking the con side and I taking the pro side of DD perhaps? I think it would be interesting to do.



  3. Great post Bob and beautifully presented!


    1. Hi Cat

      Thank you for stopping bye and reading the post


  4. Hey Bob, I love what you had to write here.

    But... I may ruffle some feathers, sorry, but if I had done this with the Duke, we definitely would not be in a DD relationship right now. I know this way might work for many marriages, but if I had handed the Duke a folder with articles and things I'd learned, he would have been dead set against reading it, and against any idea that took so much time to have it explained. I think the best we can do is know our husbands, know what they are and aren't capable of, or going to do.

    For us, the Duke takes information in in small doses, and needs weeks to process. So the first time I gave him some things I was thinking about, didn't even say it was something I wanted to do, and then let him think on it. 3-4 weeks later I let him know how I was thinking on it, and wondered how such and such would affect our marriage. Then another month later another drop in the pond. But after four months or so, I knew he was ready for a talk. But I had to be more patient than every week, and the folder idea would have closed him off completely.

    I guess what I'm saying is, I really like what you wrote here, and I know it will help marriages out there, but I wouldn't want anyone to think that if this way doesn't work for them, then they have exhausted the only viable solution to bringing up DD in their marriage. Each person knows their spouse, and should use what they know to help them know how to bring up DD to them.

    I really hope I did not offend, because I really did like this post, and what you wrote, I just wanted to show another point of view. I really hope I did not upset you.


    1. Hello Es May

      No you did not upset me in any way.
      Your way works to and I am sure there are many other ways of introducing DD into a relationship that I haven't even thought about.
      I picked this way because to me it seems to be the easiest way to tell their spouse what it is they want. Most people don't have the patience of waiting for it, don't know what they want and how to set it up. It sets up small goals for them to follow and to talk about it.
      I hope who ever reads this picks and chooses what will work for them and what won't and that they think about how to make this lifestyle work for them. That is why I wrote it so generic and simple so they can mold it into their own way of life.


    2. Thank you, Bob. :) And I agree. I do like how you set up a simple way for them to start and go about it. :) Yeah, being patient was especially hard for me because the Duke really does like/need to take his time over such big/new ideas. Hopefully it can run a bit faster for everyone else. :) :) Thank you for understanding that I loved your post and didn't mean any disrespect. :)

  5. This was a great post, Bob. I really liked how you broke the development of the DD relationship into small managable conversation topics. We did it in a similar way using the sit down discussions to talk about how we felt each of those topics related to our DD experience. Our DD journey is really new - less than 2 months - but we are trying to take it slow and get it right. My HoH says he knows I feel like he is going very slowly but sees me a going at the speed of light. We both agree that communication is the key, without it how would you know how the other person feels.

    DD is a life changing experience and we appreciate all the people like you, BB and the many bloggers out there for giving us the information we need to make this journey a safe, sane , loving one.


    1. Hi Ladybrittany

      I truly hope this will help someone want to start a DD relationship or at the least to get them talking about it


  6. Great advice. I totally agree with you, especially the holding back on the spanking part - that always seems to be the problem in a new DD relationship. When I learned the 4 D's, it was dishonest, dangerous, disobedient and disrespect. Pretty much the same thing as yours except the dangerous part, which would be something like getting a ticket for speeding or on your cell phone, forgetting to take your medicine or not making doctor's appointments - things like that. Great post!