Thursday, August 29, 2013

Confession



Urban Dictionary defines confession as to admit guilt. Fess up. To accept responsibility for a crime committed or some other lapse of judgment, sanity, or breach of socially or culturally acceptable conduct.

Should the wife, or for that matter, the husband go to their respective spouses and ask forgiveness for whatever it was that they did? Is it healthy to go to your spouse and tell them what you did even if they didn’t know about it and, if so, how much do you tell them of what went on?

Now I am not saying that you have to confess everything to your spouse because then just about everyone would be too busy telling each other what they did wrong and everything would come to a screeching halt.

My thoughts on what should be confessed about is anything that effects your spouse in his or hers decision-making, when it hurts the relationship, hinders you from moving forward in your relationship or breaking any rule that was agreed upon beforehand.

At first my thoughts on why confessing was so hard was because of the discipline that was going to be meted out as soon as she said what it was that she did. But the more I thought about it and talked to Bobbie and others, in most cases it is all about the disappointment in oneself because she feels like she let herself and her partner down and also the hurt look and disappointing her husband.

When I am knocked down from my not so high lofty place. When I do something wrong that hurts my relationship, I tell myself what an idiot I am. How can I expect Bobbie to follow my lead when I can't even do the same thing and, then as I tell her what happened I can see the hurt, confusion, sorrow and anger all cascade over her face as she listens to my story.

The other reason it is so hard is because of us being ashamed when telling your spouse the same story over and over again of why we failed doing something that was important to the relationship

So you’re probably thinking if they don’t know about it why tell them, I have time to fix this and then they will never know there was a mistake. The simple answer to this question is trust. How can you expect him to lead you down the rough patches of life or handle the finances properly if you are constantly undermining it.

Let’s use a speeding ticket for an example. The police issued you a speeding ticket. You know your husband is going to go through the roof if he finds out about it. So you pay it and he hasn’t a clue of what happened. Now the new insurance bill comes and he sees a sharp increase in the bill. He calls the insurance company thinking that they over charged him and then finds out that it was because of your speeding ticket. You are now forced to pay the higher premium and now have to re-budget to adjust to the new bill.

If this happens enough times how can you be trusted to help him guide the family through life if he has to keep reevaluating the situation from the information that you keep withholding from him. Now he has to always research his facts to see if he has enough resources to accomplish his goals adding extra time and energy to his task of supporting the family.

The benefits of telling your spouse what you did wrong is a great stress release because you have laid it all at his feet. You're not beating yourself up anymore wondering what is going to happen. It no longer becomes your problem but it is now our problem and you realize how much easier it would have been if it had been the two of you all along. This is when you truly find out what your spouse is made of and how much they truly love you as they wrap their arms around you kissing your forehead telling you that all is still well and we will fix it.

Bob



12 comments:

  1. This is good to think about, Bob! :)

    We are all human, and you're right, it is most important to try our best to be honest with each other at all times. All of ttwd/dd is based on the utmost trust. Without that, I imagine that one shouldn't tread there/even touch a tool like spanking.

    I agree also that it does help to get stuff out there and confess. It's more of an obligation, a part of loving deeply. I will tell you that I have a couple of little things to tell Rob about. Nothing major, but stuff that I could do better with. Learning to do that is not an easy task. But it is important. This is a good look at the ramifications of the work that our HoHs often go through to "fix" some of our TiH antics. We trust that you all will lead us well, being honest. We must therefore be honest too. Not just for the big things, but all the little stuff as well. Thanks for writing this! Made me think. :) Hugs to you,

    <3 Katie

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  2. Hello Katie

    The biggest thing to telling your spouse what you did is trust knowing he is not going to go off the deep end or hate you for what you have done. That after it is all said and done that he still loves you and that every thing will be alright.

    Bob

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  3. I am a firm believer in honesty. Trust is so important in every relationship. I am also a believer that we all make mistakes and in a relationship we need to be understanding and be there to support each other. A mistake can be forgiven by someone who loves you as can you forgive a mistake of someone you love, with honesty, understanding, communication, and an effort not to make the same mistake again. Thanks for sharing, Terps

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    1. Hi Trep

      Without trust and honesty there can be no lasting relationship.
      with those two things together you can move mountians

      Bob

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  4. This is a great post Bob. Confession is hard and as you say, it is the knowledge that confession may very likely result in discipline, but worse than that is the knowledge that you have disappointed your partner.

    I do tend to confess, particularly if I break a rule that Rick wouldn't otherwise know about. He also expects me to do so. All of our rules are there for very good reasons and as he cannot be with me constantly he trusts me to abide by them. Breaking a rule and not telling him undermines the trust he has put in me. Also, we have agreed to this lifestyle and as part of that, I have agreed to be held accountable for my actions. Of course, this goes beyond just rules.

    I agree with Terps as well. Honesty and trust are important in any relationship and a mistake can be forgiven with love, understanding and communication.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz

      Once a pond a time I use to tell people that if he doesn't know about it was ok not to tell him, but as I grew with DD I learned it was wrong to withhold information from your spouse because later that information could come in handy and if you hide the simple things what are you going to do when the big problems come in? How are you going to gather your curage to tell them what you did?

      Bob

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  5. Great post Bob. But ....
    Come on, Bob, you do not expect that I'm not asking any though .. lol ..(Ok, now I'm not sure these two negative .. it sounds too much like swenglish .. sorry.)
    Ok, now I will surely be crucified .. lol.


    Sometimes it can be very selfish to tell the other partners to ease conscience.
    What happens if I will ease my conscience and hurt someone so deeply that it can not be repaired?
    Any thoughts?

    "One should say the truth, but all truths should not be said."
    Queen Christina, 1626-89

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    1. Hello Mona

      Your English at times is better than mine so I will turn a blind eye to your mistake LOL

      Like I said in my post if you know it is going to hurt your spouse in some way, effect their decision making abilities. Then you should tell them.
      If you did something that is not going to effect your relationship or hinder the path that the HOH has set for your family, no I would not say any thing

      Bob

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  6. Honesty is the foundation to any relationship, and I think even more so with ttwd. Nice post. :)

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    1. Hi Kenzie

      Honesty is one of the corners of a healthy foundation to any relationship


      Bob

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  7. Honesty can be very hard, and there are times where I have to admit while only being able to look down at my hands wringing together in my lap, but it is always worth it. I feel freedom when I confess, especially over things the Duke would NEVER find out any other way. Those are the times the guilt eats at me the most. Yes, confessing may result in my butt being toasted, but never once afterwards do I regret that he spanked me, but I do have the strength now to better avoid the same mistake in the future, and if I fall again, he's there to give me even more strength until I am able to overcome.

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  8. Hello Es May

    Confessing is also a way to show your partner that you are serious about your relationship and very often that we are human too
    Bob

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