Friday, April 19, 2013

How to Derail Your DD Marriage in Four Easy Steps

                                                               
Here are four common mistakes and old habits that can make a DD relationship harder to do.
1.Having unrealistic expectations: For months, you have read, researched, talked to other like-minded people who have a working DD relationship and now you have you own idea of how you want your DD marriage to be, so you bring it to your spouse and spring it on them. You tell them how happy the two of you will be and how there will finely be harmony in the household once more.  As he is mulling it over in his head and he is trying to rap his head around this new radical idea about changing the dynamics of their marriage. You get impatient because he is taking so long to decide what he wants to do or that he doesn’t ask enough questions on what exactly a DD marriage is. He agrees to try it and after a few missteps, he starts to flounder, so then you get upset because this is not what you envisioned or you find out it isn’t as fun as you thought because he is demanding that you be held accountable and (here goes ladies) you find out that spankings really hurt ?
2.Using words to hurt maim your marriage: As you are watching, your hopes and dreams of the DD lifestyle are not moving in the same direction that you thought it should go you start telling your spouse how it should be done (topping from below). You get mad at him because he didn’t move fast enough or he may not of handled it at all because he thought it was either not important or he thought he was showing mercy. As the longer it goes on you get more frustrated, so you relentlessly tell him that he doesn’t care, you tell him and whoever else that will listen, all his failures because he didn’t do it right or because he didn’t meet you expatiation.
3.Disrespecting his insight, opinions, and advice: You did a nice job of explaining to your S/O and he is on board with the program that you wanted. As he has grown into the new role, he starts to take over and starts to make changes the way he thinks it should be. He then starts directing you on how he wants to navigate his ship but it’s not what you want.  When you find out he has changed what you wanted, you try to wrestle his authority away from him, you disregard what he tells you to do or you do it completely the opposite of what he wants. You blatantly disrespect his advice when you come to him with a problem because it is not what you want to hear.
4.Undermining his authority, but demanding he take full responsibility: You resent your HOH for keeping track on your spending plus the rules that he has set up because in the beginning you wanted this now it’s like he is always there reminding you to do your chores, clean the house etc. 

So now you start doing things sloppy or you don’t do them at all and when he pulls you on the carpet for not doing what you were supposed to do, you make excuses that he wasn’t clear in his instructions or he didn’t say that and my favorite is, I did exactly what you told me to do knowing that he didn’t mean it that way.

I was guilty of three out of the four mistakes listed above, fortunately I was able to correct them early on in the beginning.   


Bob

33 comments:

  1. Hi Bob,

    That was a very insightful post.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi there Bob! :)

    These are all really good issues that you bring up. It is always nice to hear what an HoH is thinking about. It is neat to have you blogging from the beginning of your journey! :)

    I definitely find myself struggling with #3 and #4 at times. Just the other day I told Rob the "that's not what I thought you meant" one. Sadly, I've also used the "You did not say to do that!" It is very difficult going from free reign to multiple expectations and rules! Thanks for sharing! Hugs!

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Katie

      I don't think there will ever be day that we don't break at least one of the rules. The best we can do is realize what we just did and stop it.

      Bob

      Delete
  3. Hey Bob,

    Great post! These are definitely common trap. We all make mistakes from time to time but the important thing is to learn from them. Open and honest communication go a long way.

    Ttwd is all about learning and growing together. It's a journey and I don't the the learning process ever really stops.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
  4. Replies
    1. Thanks Julia for stopping by and commenting

      Bob

      Delete
  5. Hi Bob. A very accurate post I think. Honestly, it had me feeling a little uncomfortable as I know I'm guilty of most of the points you made. Okay, not most...all! The first one is especially true to life for us. I spent months reading blogs/researching before I ever said a word about DD. For some strange reason I expected my husband to *get up to speed* in just a few weeks! And, no, it isn't fun at all at times! There are times I just (almost) want to forget the whole thing so I can do what I want. No more bedtime! Then I calm down and think about the benefits, which are many, and I'm glad all over again we're a DD couple. We've come so far, but still have work to do. I guess that never ends. Thanks for another thoughtful post. Hope you and Bobbie have a great weekend :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Queenie

      It's bad when the rules are broken but it is worse when you dwell on them we seem to go to a dark place when that happens.

      Bob

      Delete
  6. What a great story over on FF today. Thanks.

    No comment on the post because we aren't dd, but sounds like real common sense to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for stopping by Sunnygirl

      Bob

      Delete
  7. I think the unrealistic expectations one is what applied to me the most - even does a little. Because I enjoy being spanked we do things a bit differently, but what I have found out is that to be spanked as a 'punishment' is very different. It mentally knocks you sideways. You get a completely different view of the spanking process! In more ways than one!

    Have a good weekend you two!

    Hugs

    Ami

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Ami
      'I have broken them all at one time or another, hanging my head

      But I am learning what to look for because you all have written about it at one time or another

      Bob

      Delete
  8. Hello Bob & Bobbie,
    Very interesting and insightful post Bob.
    I think common denominators of the four areas you bring up, are control & pre-conceived expectations. When someone is new to the ethos and practices of a DD relationship, they research and find what they want in their own relationship. Pre-determined ideas of what their relationship will be are formed.
    Common road blocks are being developed if someone doesn't plan for their partner having their own individual thoughts on what DD dynamic could be, a comfortable pace to do their own research and a patient time frame to learn & earn respect for their new leadership or support role is in the relationship.
    For anyone finding themselves at such a road-block, there's a clear path through open and honest scheduled discussions at least twice a week in the beginning. I know from a recent conversation we shared, that you are patient and believe in slowly developing your process with open communication.
    I'd surmise that you have successfully navigated through the early bumps in the road and are doing very well in your process through honest and consensual discussion.
    Excellent post :)
    - MrBB

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you MRBBSpanker

      Well I wish I could tell every one that we have avoided all of the above but... not

      We have fallen into these insidious backsliding rules and have had to talk for along time about it with both of us in time out.

      Bob

      Delete
    2. The bumps in the road are to be expected, but you have found a way to navigate your path to avoid the major road blocks :) Above you even mentioned when something difficult arose "have had to talk for a long time about it"
      Communicating successfully through the pot-holes and bumps is positive part of the journey, that will continue to bring you even closer and closer together into the future. :)

      Delete
    3. I agree that communicating is the keys to the kingdom if two people can get on the same page look out world

      Bob

      Delete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Very well written, great information! For me, number 4 was the hardest..still is.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Abby and welcome back to blogland

      Bob

      Delete
  11. Hello Bob
    I'm sorry but I don't remember giving you permission to install CCTV cameras in our house!!!

    You really could be writing all about me and I wish I could say, you are writing about the way I was in the beginning ..... But sadly, no, I still do some of these things often ... Just this evening in fact if I'm really honest. Oh dear!

    Thank you for putting your ideas into words for us all to share.
    J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Janey I beg to differ with you I have the contract right here oh wait a min... ops wrong house.

      We all break one of the rules sometimes daily :(

      Bob

      Delete
  12. Which would all be part of the process of learning to give up control, right?
    Bea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Bea
      yes that would be the key wouldn't

      Bob

      Delete
  13. Good written, Bob. I liked it. All of these steps may well be used in any marriage whatsoever. Vanila or Dd.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Mona yes these apply no mater what type of relationship you are in

      Bob

      Delete
  14. Bob, that was so accurate. I really had to work on not topping from the bottom, and sometimes still do. We struggle with the Duke's inconsistency, and it really confuses me, and so we have been talking this week on how to change this, and are hoping to find the rhythm that will work for us. Thank you for sharing all of that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi there Es

      I should be thanking all you gals in DD land you all have given me my ideas on what to post

      Bob

      Delete
  15. Interesting roadblocks you have listed here. I think for me, my biggest challenges have been fantasy vs reality which I suppose would fall into preconceived ideas and maybe a teeny bit of topping from the bottom. I am quite passionate about my own opinions in case you haven't noticed before. ;). In the first, I work hard on trying to be open minded on the direction or journey takes. As for the second, well let's just say Alec is helping me with that one.
    Hugs to you & Bobbie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Catrinka

      The listcouldbebigger for sureand they are pitfalls for any thing that we do.
      Glad Alec is helping out whenever he can

      Bob

      Delete
  16. Nice post. These steps can certainly derail the DD process, but I think they can be very easy to fall into.. it certainly is a process, but the journey is what it's all about, right? :) Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kenzie

      This is always a work in progress

      Bob

      Delete