Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Starting DD Take 4


 In the beginning stages of our DD relationship like every one else we had our usual ups and downs trying to find out what worked and what didn’t work and at times I tend to get antsy, upset and darn right confused because when we talk about changing or modifying our little dynamic lifestyle supposedly we are all on the same page then for some reason or another at the last minute she would change her mind and then back down.

 While she was having one these melt downs I would be leaning up against the wall with my hands folded across my chest trying to look all domly (that’s what the “How To Be Domly” book said to do, it’s right here on page 923)  J while in my mind I am saying here comes another set back while I am banging my head on the wall. As I am applying an ice pack on my forehead to reduce the swelling, I was assessing what the damage was so that I could figure out how to salvage what I thought I had lost in this last conflict.

We ended up stopping all activities with TTWD until we could identify the problem with these melt downs and hopefully fix them. What we did for the next few weeks was talk, and then talk some more on why she would shut down or if we even should continue to do DD.

While we were talking I brought my volumes of binders of my rules regulations and all the wonderful things I wanted to do to her and Bobbie brought her index card of the rules that she was going by. As soon as I seen the list between the two of us I knew I was in trouble, we talked and compared our notes.

After a few pots of coffee with Bobbie and I staring at each other with a bunch of talking to each other. What we found out was that we were at different levels in our experience of DD, what was normal for me was by no means normal for her that is when she would yell foul and shut down. Being that I was a bit slow that day and I had my best confused look on my face she explained it this way. She said “you have been thinking, dreaming of doing this stuff forever and you have a set way you want to do this, yes I do like it when you take control, watch over me and make me accountable for some of the things that I do but other than that I have no idea on how much I want this to be in our life or where I want to go with this.” 

In my glee to start this I ended up breaking one of DD’s biggest commandments not taking her into consideration on how she felt about the whole thing. Here I was like a kid in a candy shop taking all the candy I could and not thinking about the consequences of eating all that candy.

Bobbie’s sin was not telling me that she didn’t care for some of the things that we were trying because she was afraid that I would get mad at her.

  Although we both fell short of the mark we were able to pick each other up and continue our walk through DD land.


Bob

33 comments:

  1. Bob,
    I do love hearing from a guy who was the one wanting to begin a DD relationship so often it's us girls who are trying to do the explaining and begging the guy to get on board. I feel your job is much more difficult. But you actually both nailed it perfectly - you are talking and talking! You keep that us and all will be well, oh yeah one more part that goes with all that talking is listening. But you seemed to have nailed that too.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. I think no matter who does the asking that it's equally hard because they are risking the chance of rejection plus the grief and aggravation of trying to get their S/O on board.
      Our being sick ended up being a blessing in disguise because it sure did give us enough time to talk to each other.

      Bob

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  2. Hi bob, this post was really interesting. I look forward to reading more :)

    Dee x

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    1. Hi Dee thanks for stopping by.
      Hope to see you again.

      Bob

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  3. Hey Bob...Doesn't matter how many times you stumble and fall...you two are picking yourselves up and communicating. Good luck to both of you in your journey.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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  4. Isn't that the truth, we have stumbled so many times we have lost count.
    As long as we continue to talk I think there will be hope for us.

    Bob

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  5. Communicating..talking...sounds so easy in the writing, but in real life...ugh! Good for both of you for taking the time to really listen and talk...
    hugs abby

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    1. I have found communicating is the easy part, the hard part that listening is the hard part for me.
      There are times when Bobbie is talking to me and my mind drifs away to another place and that is when I get into trouble :(
      But I am getting better at listening to her

      Bob

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  6. Obviously things got better. Pratice makes perfect.

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    1. Oh yeah they are getting better.
      But there are times when I just throw up my hands and walk away but we always seem to figure out what i buging us an then fix it.

      Bob

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  7. I think my husband and I have spent more time talking since starting DD than we ever did before. Just that one change by itself is huge. I feel that as long as we can talk about it, we're moving forward. Sometimes only inch by inch, but that adds up right?

    "How to be Domly", huh? That's one I haven't seen on Amazon, lol! :)

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    1. Amen sister.
      As for the book it's out of print LOL

      Bob

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  8. A great example of the importance of communicating and listening to one another's needs...and sounds like you are doing just that... :-) Take care, Terps

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore
      I thought TTWD would get easy after awhile but it turned out to be the oppsite to be true. Any thing that is worth keeping time and effort to keep

      Bob

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  9. Very interesting. DD or ttwd takes so much talking, I don't think anyone who hasn't done it, would or could ever understand the amount of communication this takes. :)

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    1. When we decided to test drive DD I thought it was going to be easy, talk about what we wanted to try and then do it and be happy.
      If I only knew I would have talked more ;)


      Bob

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  10. Bob, have you noticed something similar across all these comments? It leaps off the page. Communicate, communicate and communicate. Listen, listen, listen. And take things slow!

    Starman and I were just like you and Bobbie at the start. Except that I brought the idea to him, and he still after three and a half months, has to do it 'his way'. So we don't go by the book any more. And because of that, it seems to slowly (very slowly) be moulding itself around us, and not us around it!

    Strong foundations my friend are what is the most important thing in all of this, and I think you and Bobbie are building them.

    Many hugs,

    Ami

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  11. The hard part for me was the listning, I wanted to be there at a certin time and i failed to LISTEN to Bobbie.
    After so many let downs I just might have that listening thing down. Now what was it you were talking about LOL

    Bob

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  12. Hi Bob, was just lurking by - I think it's great you made the connection about listening and your behavior "like a kid in the candy shop" taking what you want. The communication you end up with through ttwd is amazing, I've seen my own relationship take a whole new turn. My Husband is sort of a closet spanko.. He likes to, wants to... but does not really like admitting it.. We've done a lot of opening up to one another over the past year or so with this whole "thing we do"

    Welcome to blogging!

    -Emi

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    1. Thank you Emi

      We can definitely see a definite deference in the way we talk to each other and through this I am able to "read" Bobbie's mood better to stop some bad situations.

      Bob

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  13. Sometimes it is one step forward....one step back. The communicating is necessary. However the 'understanding' is what helps...
    I love reading your's and Bobbie's story.

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    1. That is so true Minelle.
      Without understanding it would be a hard road to travel.

      Bob

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  14. Hindsight is always 20/20 - you think you were on the same page and it turns out you weren't. So you communicated and figured it out. You realized that you didn't hear what her concerns were, so you listened. Trust me, DD can be a bumpy path but the destination is so worth it. You did a good job!

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    1. Thank you Christina.
      For your kind words.

      Bob

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  15. Hi Bob, just found you and wanted to say Hi ... Hello :)

    This was a great post, thank you for sharing. You did well, stepping back and communicating to figure out what the problem was. Good on your both!

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Glad you stoped by Roz
      Thank you for your kind words.
      This jurney should prove to be very interesting :)

      Bob

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  16. Communicating is always a good idea. So is listening. You seem to be on the right path.

    FD

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  17. It is good that you were able to sit down for so many times, and really work out what was going on. I think the more you do, the more willing she will be. :) Sometimes getting to be submissive is knowing the path to get there, yes there are times when we need to blindly trust, but it helps if you men can limit those times for us. :)

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  18. I really like that conversation is such a huge part of your lives. You can never go wrong making the right decisions and the decision to keep talking and even putting Dd activities on hold until you both came to an agreement was a wise decision in my opinion. This blog is a very good blue print for others. Thank you.

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    1. Hi summer

      When all else fails talk find out what is going ohopefullyly you were talking before it all falls apart.

      Thank you for such high praises about this blog

      Bob

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