Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Guilt, Fears and Insecurities

Have you ever had that nagging feeling that something in your relationship is just not right? You’re looking over your shoulder, around corners looking for things that are not there, or you are reading more into a situation or the way something was said and you’re just not comfortable anymore?

Have you started to think that your relationship would be better if you had done it a different way? If you never said this or that, things would be ok? Being the HOH are you second guessing yourself reading too much information into what her actions were when you told her to do something? Was it her attitude that has changed? Did she just give you a offhanded remark to one of your directions, you think she did but you can’t be sure.

You have become ineffective to move forward because of the problems that are like chains around your neck weighing you down till you can’t move any more. You become stagnant being sucked down in the muck by the insecurities and fear that you have created and it seems like the more you fight it the deeper you sink.

Welcome to the DD Twilight Zone! Where things that are normal in a regular lifestyle are now not normal because you have this weight called guilt, fear or insecurities. How does guilt enter and take residence in your head driving you nuts, looking for tall tail signs that something is wrong?


Let us look at this poor person named Sam. He has started to make great strides in moving forward with his wife Sami and as they are enjoying the cruise along the smooth road of life,  Sam starts thinking of something that he has done to Sami that has hurt her in the past. In his mind he is replaying the same scenario when he found out that the car insurance was about to be cancelled because Sami did not pay the bill even after the repeated cancellation letters that she had received and ignored.

Sam cringes when he sees himself yelling at Sami. How could she have not paid the bill. That she did it on purpose. That she didn’t care plus many things that was more hurtful that night. Then suddenly he grabbed her and puts her over his knees and in his blind rage he spanked her too hard and didn’t listen to her pleas to stop or her safe word.

So now all he can do is look at his wife saying, “How could I have let this go so far? I caused her so much pain”. How does one fight guilt that stops you cold in your tracks and keeps you from doing the right thing? The first thing I would do is forgive myself for my past anger. If you can’t forgive yourself there is no sense of going any further because nothing is going to work until you can put this behind you. Second, I would think back on that day and identify the stressors that caused you to lose your cool. Now you have something to gauge your future actions against to see if you are heading down the wrong path again. Then ask yourself if you did it over again how would you have done it differently? What were the signs that you started to unravel?

Talk to your spouse, tell them what is happening with you and ask them to help you to come up with some kind of plan to help you combat your guilt. Talk to a close friend that you trust, ask them for some suggestions on how to solve your dilemma.


Sami was chatting on line with some friends of hers and her friends were talking about how their husband has stepped up to the plate and is spanking them more. They are saying they are in nirvana now because of all the attention their HOH is giving them. Sami wants to be spanked like her friends so she too can feel the bliss that they are experiencing. Her husband says no, not tonight, I am tired because work has been taking a lot of his time and attention so she starts to think he is not interested in this lifestyle any more so she starts seeing things that aren’t there. She starts seeing ghost around every corner doubting her husband. Does he really want DD? And herself too. Maybe she is not submissive enough or too needy for his attention.

So how does this poor woman stop her insecurities? She goes to the most used tool used in her DD utility belt. Communication. She goes to her husband and tells him what she is feeling. What she is seeing, whether it is true or not, so they can work on this together.

Talk to close friends if you have any in this lifestyle so you can get a different spin on how things really are. Build a support group that you can rely on so in times of trouble you can lean on them for support until you figure out what to do.


The new HOH, with heavy heart, goes into the bedroom. It is time for him to discipline his wife for over spending her budget. But as he looks at his wife sitting at the edge of the bed, he starts to get nervous because he is afraid of spanking her too hard. He doesn’t want to make her cry so he cheats her on her closer.

The HOH in his past relationship was lied so that destroyed their marriage and now many years later he is remarried and now he is sitting at the kitchen thinking he is seeing the same signs as before. The fear starts to grip him where he can’t think about any thing else but the imagined thought of doom running through his head.

This is the hardest to fight back because as we all know that if it is strong enough it could stop you right in your tracks keeping you from the joys of this relationship. However, the same powerful tools mentioned above will work for this too, but it will take longer to gain the trust and confidence to enjoy each other.

Guilt, insecurities and fears are three of many things that can keep us from continually moving forward and enjoying each other. As long as we remember that we have our DD tools: communication, some kind of support group and a close friend to talk to that we can trust, these tools can fix a multitude of problems.

What are some of the ways you combat your guilt, fears and insecurities?



  1. Bob, I have two suggestions. The first is to end up with DD.
    Do you see the "unnecessary" feelings create DD?
    You can spank your woman even without DD ... lol ..

    My other advice is that Sami order a fine padle from Blondie and simply do as
    "Rogue". Properly. Three rounds.
    You'll see how quickly all the negative feelings disappear .. lol
    That's all for today from the land of Vikings ..

    1. Hello Mona

      When have you ever known me to do any thing easy I have to do it the hard way, you know that LOL

      she has a nice collection of fine wood and leather and she wishes to buy no more and that is so true her negative feelings disappear.


    2. Bob, I think you are trying to "do not understand".
      A new paddle from Blondie bought by Sami: meant to be used at Sam.
      It is his negative feelings I'm worried about .. Sami will be fine. As always.

    3. Hi again Mona

      Yes, Yes I got it Sami is to buy a nice new paddle from Blondie when she gets it from the mail man she is to proceed to go to Sam and hand it to him then ask for him to spank her with it. yup I understood your instructions to the letter WEG


    4. LOL::)))))

      Bob, Bob, tell me, what shall I do with you?..lol.

  2. I think that you only get "real" guilt, fears and insecurities if you are trying to do exactly the same as everyone else.

    When we started, I honestly thought there were rules we had to follow in order to get the same results people on line spoke about. Because I tried to bend Dan into a shape he couldn't fit, things got difficult for a time.

    Now I realise that he's the sort of man who needs time to think things through. He needs to be perfectly clear about what I am, he is, we are trying to achieve. Communication is definitely the main tool in the Dd, TTWD workbox. It should be the main tool in any marriage, but sadly it often lies there forgotten.

    Dan knows I am hopeless with anything financial, so he looks after finances. So problem solved. If a wife neglects to pay a bill, give her something else to do. Spanking then avoided. Hence no guilt because you are so cross you spanked her too hard. Also, a man needs to know his own strength. Very important. I grumble when Dan stops to ask if I am okay, thinking it is silly, but I thank the stars that he is considerate enough to do so. It doesn't mean he is going to stop spanking, it just means he is anxious not to go over the top, which is easy to do if you are angry or agitated about the offence. Maybe several years down the line he won't need to do this - but we are still learning not only the physical aspects of spanking but the psychological aspects.

    It has often been said to me that spanking is only a small part of this dynamic, and I am now just about beginning to understand some of its complexities.



    1. hi Ami

      Your words are so true and I do help and have relived her of some duties and given her some others that she can handle better.

      thank you for your advice Ami


  3. For me the biggest one of these is insecurities...communication and looking back at how far we have come sometimes help.
    hugs abby

    1. Hi abby

      that is one of the hardest things to keep going is communication now it I can figure out how to keep being consistent with it we will have it made


  4. Hi Bob, :)

    I like your three tools mentioned- communication, support group and close friend to discuss! These do seem key in a dd relationship.

    I do think that the thing about spanking that is important to remember is that there is trust. There is trust in the first place with consent given. If I did not trust Rob in every way, I could not live within this dynamic.

    Also I think it's important to note that for me, I know that it won't always work perfectly because we are two separate humans. Sometimes humans make mistakes. I'm not just talking about spanking here, I'm talking about how we communicate and love. Sometimes I don't get it right and I may get a swat or two, or a spanking, or a lecture- or even a chuckle because he is amused. I may get none of it and simply feel bad even if Rob did not care because I know that I am not doing what I have set out to do. Sometimes Rob drops the ball and disappoints me in some way and I try to communicate that to him respectfully without blame. But I understand that he too will make mistakes because we are both learning to love more fully, so I'd say that understanding is key too. I always liked that saying, "To love is to understand." I have learned that that is so so true. I think that in order to do that we both must be accepting and forgiving at times. There really is an awful lot to this. Trust is the biggie here. Hugs to you, Bob,

    <3 Katie

    1. Hello Katie

      yes Katie with out trust there would be no DD in my household


  5. I sure can't help you Bob, however you have helped me. By reading your blog and Bas' blog I can see that the HOH part had it's extremely difficult side too. By knowing so completely what I wanted and it seeming so simple in my mind I had a hard time realizing how confusing it was for Nick. I'm not sure Nick ever felt much guilt, but insecurities and fear were there. These two really can be worked on, maybe even worked out, with communication. As for guilt, Mona Lisa's suggestion of the 'Rogue' plan might be a possibility.

    1. hello PK

      Thank you for putting my blog close to Bas blog I am honored

      most of the time guilt is not a problem but sometimes it just creeps up and grabs me for awhile till I can work it out again then everything is ok again


  6. Dearest Bob,
    I have never found anything that has helped my guilt; I see my guilt as a reminder to not repeat my actions. Yes, my guilt hurts and sometimes tears me apart. But this is what keeps me from repeating my actions, and I have decided to be content with it.
    Fear holds two places in my mind, rational and irrational; the rational fear keeps me safe. It is real and I need to base my actions and decisions on the possibility of a real outcome. Irrational fear is harder for me to figure out. First I must decide that it is irrational, and then I am able turn the fear into power. (The power is knowing that I can distinguish it is not real) I stopped the fear from weighing me down.
    Insecurities are the vain of my existence; it seems that as soon as one takes hold, I am soon drowning in a sea of insecurities. What makes it worse is that my insecurities seem to pull other down around me or drive them away. The only thing that I can off you for help in dealing with insecurities is to tell yourself that you are loved and you are strong.

    1. Thank you CDC for becoming one of my close friends that I have made in DD land.
      you have given me your ear to bend when I just needed to talk it out and never have you question my thoughts.

      Your advice when given has helped me out greatly, we both have grown so much and thank you for being a good friend to me.


  7. I think the best way I can support the Duke if he makes a mistake is to remind him that we all make mistakes. We make mistakes and we grow from them. One day the Duke was really worried about making mistakes, so I sat down with him and we had a talk. What really seemed to work to help him rid himself of the fear of making mistakes, and the guilt when he did make them, was to say this. "If you had to make ten big mistakes to have an amazing marriage with me, or make no mistakes and have a so so marriage with me, what would you choose?" We risk big sometimes, and sometimes it's a mistake, but we put ourselves out there, and we learned what didn't work, and we can move on to find what does work. Thomas Edison was asked about how he felt after 2000 attempts to make a better lightbulb, how he felt about his failures. He said he hadn't failed. He'd just found 1999 ways not to make a light bulb, and then he found the way to make a better one. I really liked that. :) I think realizing mistakes happen can help with a lot of the guilt and fear.