Friday, May 3, 2013

Expatiations

 






 
When I first approached Bobbie with a DD relationship, she looked at me as if martin’s has just landed on earth and asked her to have their babies. After she finely stopped running and came back home we didn’t talk about it for a few years, oh we played some spanking games but nothing serious. About 3 years ago, I once again approached her about having a DD relationship, this time she didn’t run, but she listened to what I really was saying. Like everyone else in the world, we were having issues on how we were treating each other so we talked about what our goals were and we went into a binding agreement to have a DD lifestyle.

After we talked about our wants and needs, we talked about what our expatiations were for this new lifestyle to work. The first couple of weeks was great it was like being on a honeymoon no arguing, loving and finding no faults in what we were doing.

As time went on I started to notice that Bobbie wasn’t conducting herself like I thought she should, she was doing it differently. So like a good HOH I told her so, well as you can imagine that didn’t go well for either of us, words were said, threats were made and those dam walls started to up and we started to go back to the way we were.   

After repeating the above scenario a few times, I took a leave of absence and quietly went into an analytical mode replaying everything that went on between us trying to find out why she was sabotaging my authority (sounds real HOH’Y doesn’t it) J I found out that it was not Bobbie’s fault but it all rested on my shoulders. What I found out was that my expatiations were different than hers, once I figured that out, I started to think of why my expatiations was so different than Bobbie’s, I mean we were working for the same purpose right?
Here is what I came up with, I have been dreaming, thinking of this day happening like almost forever and how I wanted it to all go down, it was constantly being played out in my head, be it fantasy or reality and at times it was a mixture of the two. Bobbie on the other hand had her own version of how she wanted to do this, she was running with the information that we talked about and was trying to make this her own too.
When she didn’t do something the way I thought it should be done, I thought that she didn’t want to do it; she was going through the motions just to make me happy doesn’t that sound familiar?.
What I figured out through intense psychotherapy with me on the couch and Bobbie sitting in the chair, was that I am at a different level than she is; an example would be a brown belt in karate and a yellow belt trying to do the same technical moves. When the brown belt practices his moves, he expects the yellow belt to be at the same level as him and the same fluent moves that he has and we have seen enough karate movies to know how that is going to turn out, not good at all.

Just because I have a bigger passion for DD, that does not mean that Bobbie’s passion is any less than mine, hers is not as intense as mine is because she doesn’t eat live breath DD as I do. She may not care that much for details, she still gets the job done, but it may not be the same way that I would have envisioned it. Her mentality of DD is not the same as mine, and that is where the problem is. We have to figure out how to get to the same level as our partner; one has to move up while the other moves down a bit until they both reach the same level and then there can be in harmony with each other.

By me lowering my standards in what I expect in DD, does that mean we will get less of an experience in DD I don’t think so because how is she going to learn if I don’t explain it properly to her. I have to get to her level to explain it to her that way I can insure that she is not being set up for failure. As time goes by, I can keep bringing her up to where I am now.
 
At the same time, I too am learning to hone in on my communication skills and if I am smart enough by watching Bobbie’s expressions to learn her body language and then we can both benefit from this at the same time.

So now that we know what the problem is did we fix them and live happily ever after? Well no, we still fall short of being perfect but I realize now why things are the way they are.

We have to continually communicate with each other about what we are feeling, what’s not working, improve what is already working and then maybe just maybe when all the stars line up properly, we will get it right but we also have to remember to enjoy what we have how far and above all else enjoy what we have created.

 

Bob


 







 
 
 
 





22 comments:

  1. Finding that initial equilibrium can be so tricky in the beginning. And keeping the balance can be difficult at times for even the most experienced DD couples.
    So glad you two are doing so well now. You and Bobbie are a wonderful couple :)

    - MrBBSpanker

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  2. I am finding it hard to remember that Bobbie is not intense as I am in ttwd, when I lose sight of that, that is when I get into trouble and thing start to fall apart but I am getting ahead of my future posts

    Bobbie in her wisdom Knows when I start to shift away and she brings me back to reality so we don't drift to far away.

    Bob

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  3. It is great that you are in tune with each other and realizing you are at different levels. I hope you find your balance soon and continue communicating! It's one of the best things about DD, in my opinion! :)

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    1. Find it we will. It just might take a day or two ;)

      I have found that communication is the best tool in my HOH tool bag better than a hair brush even WEG

      Bob

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  4. As in most relationships, it all boils down to communication...sounds easy, but in reality......
    Glad you two have found your path.
    hugs abby

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    1. DD is not for the weak and lazy person as we can all tell stories about it communication like you said is the best tool one can use. We aren't there yet but close to it

      Bob

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  5. This is excellent Bob. Finding that balance and understanding each other's expectations and where each other are at can be so tricky. As always, it all comes down to communication.

    I love your last paragraph, it's about discovering what is right for both of you and making the necessary changes as needed to strike that balance, and above all, enjoy the journey.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you Roz

      Finding the balance is hard because when the person has the biggest desire they are the ones that feel they are being cheated and lash out at their partner for not being into it as they are. I still find it hard at times and have to pull back before it blows up in my face

      Bob

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  6. You sound like a wonderful HoH Bob. It isn't always my way or the highway. I can imagine that for some that mentality could be crippling for a relationship. Apparently slow and steady wins the race- or so I have heard *wink*

    willie

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    1. Thank you Wilma there are times when I doubt my self if what I am doing is right and a lot of times I scratch my head and say what happened?
      Then I read my neighbors post and see that they are struggling just as I am and that I (we) are not alone.

      Bob

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  7. very interesting post. while I don't do discipline with my husband, the words still speak to us and our relationship...finding the balance and discovering what is right for both and understanding each other's expectations...and continually talking...I am finally getting that I just need to keep communicating with my husband and give him time to catch up without feeling hurt when I have to communitcate again... :-) Take care, Terps

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    1. Hi Trep.
      Like you I am finding out that you can't stop communicating even for a little bit because when you do those darn walls go up. Then you have to work twice as hard to get rid of them.

      Bob

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  8. Well said, Bob.
    I love your last paragraph. It is so easy to focus on what we want and do not see the value of what we have ..
    Say hello to Bobbie from me, please.

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    1. Hi Mona
      What you said is so true and we are selfish people putting our self first before our partners that is when we get into big trouble is when we think "I" instead of "We"
      But there is that learning curve that one day I am going to learn to say with conviction "WE"
      instead of "I"

      Bob

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  9. Constant communication, and growing, isn't it?

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    1. Hi Julia that it is just like you said :)

      Bob

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  10. I guess DD is much like a lot of other things in life. We all have different ideas about how things should be done. That doesn't make make one way right and the other wrong.I think couples have to constantly find a happy medium so that both partners get what they want, but not at the expense of the other. It can be a lot of work. Add DD and the work just become even more intensive. But then, so does the intimacy and love. I love how you said that the best tool you have as HoH is communication. To my mind, that makes you a true HoH. One who is in it for all the right reasons. 'Above all else, enjoy what we have' So true and a good thing for all of us to remember. Thanks Bob.

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    1. Hi Queenie
      When we first started out in DD we were told early on to make this your own and it took us awhile to figure out what it was they were telling us and now that we have made it our own we are perfecting it to fit even better.

      Thank you for the best complement you could have given me thinking that I am a true HOH it sounds scary and I laugh when I say it out loud, thinking really now?

      It must be so because Bobbie also has said that I was her HOH.

      Bob

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  11. This really resonates with me. My husband and I are in different places as well, and our expectations are not always the same which can cause chaos if there is no communication. I have learned that no matter where each on of us are in the process, we are still working, learning, and doing a lot more talking than ever. It's still wonderful. You sound like a very dedicated HoH, and the journey is amazing as you know :)

    Marie

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    1. Thank you Marie

      I have to bconstantlyly oguardrd to remember that we are on differenlevelses in the walk other wise I go back thinking she don't care.

      Bob

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  12. Bob, you explained this so well, and I do believe that every one of us who is 'wired' to this lifestylle, and trying to convert someone who isn't wired, is going to go through this. One of the things I tell every new couple is to give themselves the gift of 'patience'. When Lar and I were starting, I thought I was helping him by giving him things to read. He thought I was trying to make him into something he wasn't comfortable with. I backed off, and had to find another way. When Lar did grow, I sometimes had trouble with his growth. lol Now we are more comfortable, but it still isn't perfect, and we still need to communicate with each other. That is never going to change. But, I wouldn't change the choice we made... You and your wife are doing well.

    Joannie

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  13. Thank you friend

    As you know you have seen us start from the beginning to what we are now, you have nurtured us and help us when we were having some rough times

    Bob

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