Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Why aTIH should ask for a Spanking




This is a special request. JasonsGirl's people are talking to Bob's people on signing a long term multi billion dollar contract on posting together for the next couple of months or more but we need your help.

What topics would you like to hear us debate about?
The only stipulation is that it has to be SSC DD related. So if you have a question that you would like us to answer please drop us a line and we will consider all questions.
 
JasonsGirl from Taming ot the Shrew and I are collaborating on doing another post and it is about why is it so hard for the sub to ask the HOH what she needs and wants. JasonsGirl is taking the defense of you girls and you will get a well-written post on why you do what you do but I am speaking from the HOH point of view, the right view because I am the HOH, I am bias that way.

I will use Bobbie and I as the example. The picture that I have running through my head is Bobbie wanting a more structured lifestyle. I will say she wants more spankings, LOL, (yes I know, I can dream can’t I?) than she does now. So instead of coming to me and asking me that she wants more spankings, she just thinks about it, sits there and stews about it. Days go by and still no release from her wants and of course, I am probably oblivious to the whole situation and the problem festers until it erupts in the face of poor unsuspecting me.

Now I am on the defensive because I don’t know why she has lashed out the way she did so words are said, we argue and in the end she gets the spanking that she wanted but feels bad because she had to pick a fight to get it and the reasons go on and on. Yes, I can see you smiling because it probably happened to you a time or two.

I am going to go right to the heart of the problem, no sugar coating because you would want it this way. My answer is, “why in the heck didn’t Bobbie just ask for it.” She could have said “Bob I am off center and I think that a spanking would reset my compass. Would you please help me?” or any other scenarios that you would rather insert in that little saying.

Now I know the tih’s out there are gasping and saying, “but it’s embarrassing to ask my husband for it. It feels like I am taking control from him, that he is no longer leading by me telling him what I want or I am topping from the bottom." And the number one answer that I hear from you gals is... You should know what we want and need.

These are all good answers except the last one that still confuses me. However, in reality it doesn’t hold much weight. Let us look at the answers together and you are going to get a glimpse into this HOH’s mind so here we go. 



I am taking control from him: How can you possibly be taking control from him by asking your husband what you want. You are taking responsibility for your actions. You see a problem arising and you are taking control of your actions by notifying your man there is a problem with you. You are off center and you need his help to fix it. By not asking him that you need help is the problem. You could have eliminated the arguing, the distance that has now been created and having a harsher spanking if you would have just asked for it in the first place.
Topping from the bottom was talked about in my previous post so read that Here. Briefly, how can it be topping from the bottom if you are asking your husband for help with your needs or wants at that time as long as you ask and not demand it. It is still up to him to decide if he is going to grant your request or not.

Now I saved this one for last because I like this one bunches. It is embarrassing. Well sweetheart yes it could be but to tell you the truth that is when I love Bobbie the most. Not because she is embarrassed but because of all the emotions and expressions running through her facial expressions. When she is asking for what she wants, looking at her face like that, how can a HOH refuse the request because she is truly showing her submission by baring herself to you by asking you for help no matter how embarrassing it may seem.
I think that one of the most important things that you as a tih wife can do is ask him for his help in whatever it may be whether it be a spanking or help with some struggle that you have. You are feeding his dominance. You are building up his confidence by making him part of the team instead of being the enforcer always watching, waiting to catch you doing something or waiting for the hammer to drop only to find that the problem could have been resolved much quicker and earlier.

You are also keeping the communication lines open. Feeding him information he may need to make decisions down the road that may affect the family. Is this a fix all so that there will peace and harmony in the family? Nope I am not even going to suggest that. But I do know that, being a HOH, it sure does help to know where the pitfalls may be and sometimes making wise decisions to help the family through some hard times.



Bob

38 comments:

  1. All right here goes. Ours it a little different since we don't do any discipline, not any real discipline. But unlike Bobbie, I've spent nearly 7 years blogging about how much I love being spanked, that it makes me feel loved and protected, etc. Nick can't say he doesn't know how much it means to me, I've practically tattooed it to my forehead. Yet unless I bring it up (ask) sometimes we go a long time with no spanking. And that when I get mad and go silent on him.

    Insert the word kissing for spanking - if you husband knows you like being kissed, because you've told him so often, but he never does it unless you ask for one then most women would probably get mad. "I'm not going to spend my life begging him to kiss me. If he's not willing to kiss me without my asking - fine, no kissing!" I don't mean all the time, but you get the idea.

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    1. Hello PK
      It seems that I have struck a nerve here, Did I put up the disclaimer that if nobody liked my post that it was Bobbie's fault?
      Yes if you have to ask all the time to get spanked I understand that.

      well you have a nice day and don't put to many pins in the voodoo doll LOL\

      Bob

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    2. While we do or are supposed to be in the Dd category of ttwd, I can still relate to what PK says. Together we have agreed what is acceptable. What is needed. When and why. If an HOH doesn't follow through with what THEY have set up, then asking is infuriating and in turn hurtful. Unfortunately infuriated is often what the husband experiences from the wife. Often people think of this as 'bratting' or trying to force his hand ( pun intended) but it is merely an expression of frustration, and in many cases doesn't force their hands anyway. Further pulling the wife away from her husband, and trust and the desire to communicate can become a distant memory.

      HOWEVER....

      I have asked for spankings when I was an emotional wreck. Barney had the same reaction to it as you do to Bobbie. It simultaneously melts him and builds him up.

      In conclusion, I think it depends on the 'whys' behind the type of spanking on whether or not a wife 'should' ask for a spanking.

      How's that for choosing sides, yet not? LOL
      willie

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    3. hello Wilma

      rofl I like your answer, yet another possibility of why it might work or not work

      Bob

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  2. I do understand where your coming from but I am the woman, submissive, and have to agree with PK. He knows how much I desire it and need it. But if I have to ask and beg everytime, then it really isn't him being dominant, it's me being dominant. Every time I ask, it takes something away from it.
    Kim

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    1. Ho KIm
      It looks like I woke up the dragons and they are lining up to talk to me.

      Bob

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  3. Well it is embarrassing but I have asked StrongMan for spankings before. He told me it's okay to ask for one if I need it or I just want it. So I do, but I still hate to ask. It would be nicer if all you Hoh's could just read our minds when we want you to. We can just send our little thought message and say, "Sweetie, I need one! Spank me RIGHT NOW PLEASE!!!" But our lips won't even have to move. Yes, that would be very nice! I have often considered a hand signal like a little clap in the air could mean, "Please spank me," but I am sure that would be embarrassing too. I also thought about writing a little note and leaving it for him or handing it to him. It could just say "SPANK," and he would know. But what I actually do is fuss about and act really weird until I can't stand it anymore and I whisper in his ear, "Can you please spank me?" He always smiles and says, "Let's go!"

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    1. Hi Sara

      If us HOH were mind readers I think we would still screw it up some because we are human after all

      Bob

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  4. ditto what PK said...plus for me if you ask enough times and you don't receive, what's the point in asking only to feel hurt afterwards? now that sounds harsh and I truly don't mean it to be nor is it meant to negate my husbands efforts as I love him more than anything and I know he gives alot of himself, nor does it mean I won't keep asking and trying to get the message clear ...it simply is how I feel during those times when my needs are not being met...not the case of every day in which I feel only love and devotion... so will I ask yes...is it hard yes...will it make a difference sometimes yes sometimes no so maybe...are we both still ok and in love yes...do I still hope and dream for a day when I won't have to ask - yes :-)

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    1. welcome to my lynching Trep LOL

      I can see I will have to revise this post one day

      Bob

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  5. I think many of us fall into the place of denying to ourselves what we want/need. Maybe we feel that we have expressed it so many times before that yes! Our HOH should just know. It amazes me how my dh and I can read the same post or listen to the same sermon and we get entirely different things out of the message. In the long run we do as Bobbie and let it stew. In my case, I get quiet then short then angry and it is down hill. Why wouldn't a HOH see the pattern and begin to pick up on the front end?

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    1. hello Young

      I wonder if there is a happy medium to make both parties happy hmmmm?

      Bob

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  6. It would make life so much easier if you guys were mind readers ya know! :p

    In all seriousness, I really like this post. I've been going through some difficulty with this sort of stuff lately, and pointers from both your blog, as well as JG's have both helped me out. So great topic. :)

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    1. welcome kenzie

      Life would be easier if you gals came with an owners manual but alas it did not and we have to struggle together to figure out what exactly you want and how to go about doing it

      Bob

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  7. Bob, I have been informed by my HoH that his clairvoyance is broken! lol I don't have a problem letting him know when I need his help for something - even a spanking. In fact, it's one of our rules, I guess. If either of us needs help, we are to ask. I can't help him if he doesn't ask and he can't help me if I don't ask. Making assumptions is a very bad thing and can lead to more trouble and problems.

    Kat

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    1. Greetings Kat
      If he finds a good repair person to fix his clairvoyance please send them over to me to my parts are no longer available.

      Bob

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  8. Looks like you've definitely started a good discussion Bob. I can understand your POV, but I get what PK is saying too. I used to ask for spankings. In the beginning when we were still only playing, I asked for them quite often. I found my desire for one overcame my embarrassment to ask. For some reason, I find I can't bring myself to ask for one when I NEED one. Not for play, but for real. I know it would help, I know it would prevent a minor thing from becoming a major blow-up, I know I'd feel better, but....I just can't do it. My husband has begun to pick up on the clues and he will even ask me if I need one! I have never said yes. I guess what I really want is him to not ask, but just do it already! Sorry, I'll stop rambling now :) Anyway, very interesting post here. Think I'll pop over to JasonsGirl now, thanks for the link. When you're rich and famous, I can say I knew you when, lol!

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    1. Hi queenie.

      Yes what I am finding out is that this helps the people that have started their DD walk only a short time ago for the seasoned DD'ers they are in a different place that I totally forgot about their problems are compounded because they have been there hated it and are still living it.

      Bob

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  9. I'm not in the DD category of TTWD, and that's where I think it's easier to ask or also to just recognize the need. If you're not spanking for punishment, then any time I appear off center would be a good time to spank.

    I do have to say, that as a submissive, it's much preferable not to have to ask, but I am an adult, and I realize that my needs are not always understood and it is always my job to communicate.

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    1. hello Renee
      thanks for you view point Renee I am finding out by the responses it is going to be a two edge sword it will help some and leave others on the way side

      Bob

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  10. I understand how I should ask from jg's post and why I should ask from your' s. I found both posts to be immensely helpful. Now if I could just learn to keep still during a spanking I'd be set!

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    1. Hi Tara
      LOL staying still while being spanked is a whole different post

      Bob

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  11. Hi Bob,

    I'm loving these joint posts! I agree with your thoughts. The main thing is to 'ask' not 'tell' him. That way, it is his decision whether to go ahead or not. I love what you said in relation to asking being embarrassing. That it is feeding him information and also feeding his dominance.

    Having read the other comments I agree that for those who have to ask every time, whether in a DD dynamic or otherwise, it surely only causes frustration, anger and further distance. That is such a difficult situation to deal with. How, can those in that situation 'get it through' to the HoH that they need this so that they won't have to continue to ask EVERY time?

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hello Roz

      yes I am learning from this post not what I expected definitely an eye opener

      Bob

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  12. Hi Bob
    I'll Join the dragons I have sent you more details in a message - I am glad that you did this post it is really good it is difficult to ask - not demand and I totally identify with the stewing bit I have been doing this for ages and its embarresing.
    Jane

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    1. welcome back Jane

      thank you and I will answer you email when I get some free time

      Bob

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  13. I'm afraid I'm another ditto PK, except that in my case, Starman often decides to 'add on' spanks for reminders, discipline, warnings etc even if we are having a 'good girl' spanking. Our problem is usually that we have a house full of people, and believe me, with us, the best laid plans ALWAYS come adrift! I often ask for a spanking - I love being spanked, and that's the snag. (Well, not the actual pain of it, but the after burn is wonderful!) Why it should be embarrassing to ask your husband anything confuses me. Communication is the very most important part of any relationship.

    I'm lucky that Starman notices when I begin to spiral - but unlucky that he is not always able to immediately attend to my needs, which means a wait ensues. That is where patience comes into the picture, and that is where we can aggravate our HOHs by continually whingeing and trying to force their hands. This is when the TIH begins to get frustrated, angry and distance herself, and where the HOH feels backed into a corner, because he feels damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

    Good luck with this one Bob!

    Hugs

    Ami

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    1. hello Ami

      PK and gang are racking up the points LOL yes I see the problem now.
      Yes we are all lucky that our spouses have given us what we want in some capacity to scratch our itch kind of speaking and for that we are grateful no if we can find a way for them to do it automatically that would be great.

      Bob

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  14. I certainly can ask but prefer when my husband acts of his own accord. We always have a house full so it isn't easy to coordinate but information is information. It is a difficult line to balance to not appear too needy and that is why the conundrum.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Minelle

      Yes it is a difficult task to balance.

      Bob

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  15. This was very interesting,Bob.

    And I'm on the other side of the fence from my girlfriends, I'm afraid. Since I'm the one who enjoys being spanked, and my husband doesn't enjoy spanking me other than he knows I like it, I have had to be ok with asking for it. It is a bit humbling, but thankfully he is willing. But it's not something he thinks about doing or looks forward to doing. He told me once that if spanking went away tomorrow he'd never miss it or give it a second thought - it made me sad at the time, but it made me profoundly grateful for how much he loves me as well.

    I guess I might look at it a bit differently if he enjoyed spanking me and didn't keep looking for opportunities to do so - that's where I guess it might be comparable to kissing; where we both are being satisfied. But as spanking me give me more than it gives him, I don't expect him to long for it like I do.

    Now since we've been married for so long, I think it's finally sinking in that my hubby isn't a mind reader - he knows me very well, but even so, he is a man and doesn't always pick up on emotional ques like I, as a woman, would. But as long as he's willing to give me what I like/need when I let him know I like/need it, I count myself as a happy camper.

    Now of course the one time he TOLD me he was giving me a spanking was extra wonderful, so I wouldn't mind a repeat of that at all, lol!

    :) Cali

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    1. Hi Cali Mom

      This post has been running abut 50/50 for and against, I have done some reevaluating on this and may post about it later

      Bob

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  16. Asking for a spanking takes away from that feeling we get that he is in charge. Right or wrong. Of course he is not a mind reader. Here is a solution I was told about years ago. If you feel like you need a spanking use an agreed on signal, a hard to miss one since we are usually signalling men ;)! such as fresh flowers on the table. It's then up to them whether or not to act upon it.

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    1. Greetings Sharon

      Like a spanking zone and no spanking zone perhaps?

      Bob

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  17. You are sick and should be arrested for spousal abuse. If I knew where you lived I would call the police. Get help.

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    1. Glad you stopped by Kristina.

      I wasn't going to respond to your juvenile post but that is probably what you wanted or you want me to say how wrong you are but what I am going to say is this.
      If you find this topic so demeaning what on earth are you doing here then little girl shouldn't you be playing with you dolls under your parents supervision?
      If you are an adult by some chance then maybe if your husband would have taken you in hand, you wouldn't be busy searching out sites like this, you would be tending to your husband needs making him happy being by his side.

      Bob

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  18. Blech on the ignorance above...

    I'm with Sharon. What about a signal or code word? Subtle enough to still be asking and not demanding? Sometimes I just feel like I'm becoming overwhelmed and emotional and just need one to regain my focus and calm my mind. Thinking of incorporating a phrase he often uses by saying..."I need a state change".


    ~HanneSharp

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  19. HI Hanna

    a gesture a word that will let your HOH know that you need or want a spanking is fine

    Bob

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