Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Bob and Bobbie's thoughts obout DD

Bobbie and I are going to try to write about what is going on in Billy and Sue's head in the little story below. This will be a two part post.

The Story 

Billy and Sue have been working diligently on their DD relationship for a couple of years now and Billy sees a huge improvement in the way Sue's outlook on life is. He is now seeing the fruits of their labor and now thinks they can enjoy each other's companionship the way they have always wanted and he doesn't have to be so ridged in how he has to conduct himself.

So Billy starts to focus his attention on other things that need to be done while still keeping an eye on Sue's progress. Billy's mind set is that all is well in their household and he is congratulating Sue and himself for finely getting to where they wanted to be in their relationship.

Sue is happy at the progress that they have made and is proud of the way Billy has stepped up and has been right there in the mix of things not letting her get away with too much with the rules they have made together.

After the talk they had about how good their relationship has gotten, she notices that she is starting to get edgy and anxious. Sue is trying to figure out what has changed, why is Billy different now? 

Sue talks to Billy about how she feels but neither one can figure out what has changed and very slowly Sue feels a break in their harmony and starts falling back to the way she was and starts to brat.

Billy is beside himself as things were going so good. He is doing what he should have and now Sue is having a nuclear meltdown and he is at ground zero. 

Sue thinks that Billy doesn't care as he has stopped telling her what to do as he no longer is the forceful man he was three weeks ago. In her mind he is acting as if he doesn't care and starts to take it out on him by falling back to the way things are.

So who's fault it? is it's Sue's fault or is it Billy's fault?

Hoh's view point

As a male HOH I am going to side with poor Billy for the moment because the man was and is still is very active in their DD dynamic. He is just focusing on what he thinks needs his attention at the time.

Most of us guys, as you probably know by now, aren't very expressive and engage in problem solving in a totally different way than you gals do. Since I can't speak for all men I can only speak for myself this is my thought process.

When Bobbie and I first started doing DD I had to be very active in what she was doing by keeping my end of the bargain helping her to get from point A to point C. 

As time went by I didn't have to voice my opinion as much as I use too and as we became more efficient in maintaining our roles and there was less for me to do.

 My thoughts were that we had done a good job so far and now we could enjoy ourselves and I didn't have to be the one carrying the hammer being the "bad guy" always correcting her.

Also I look at it as if the ship is sailing on its own power why try to fix it just do the maintenance and it will be running smooth for a long time.

It would be like a weekend mechanic and his son working on a car. He teaches him how to fix the car how to calibrate the engine and when it is done his son can now maintain the car without having to be reminded how and when it has to be done.

Now the weekend mechanic can set his attention on another area of the car while watching over his son making sure he is doing a good job and if he sees an error he tells him so then goes back to his own project.

This is the way I feel, Bobbie is my equal and my best buddy. We have worked hard together to get to where we are and I don't think I have to keep reminding her to do something she is now doing. I can now focus on other areas of our dynamic to enhance our relationship and perform maintenance as needed. 

Part 2 coming soon


  1. I found this really helpful. I suppose I feel like when I'm not receiving active guidance or instruction that things... disappear and there's not D/s occurring. But if things are working, the instruction is still there, just from before.

    Something good to keep in mind.

    1. thank you Lea for your kind words I am always surprised when I read that what I wrote helped someone out. To me that is one of the greatest complements anyone could give me on this blog


  2. This is a great post and insight into the HoH POV Bob. Looking forward to part 2 :)


    1. Hi Roz

      We don't know where this is going to take us but we hope you all will enjoy it lol


  3. Well you know what they always tell subs, 'he's not a mind reader'. Same thing goes. If the leader of the house feels that things are fine and you can just 'coast' along, then that should be expressed to the ones also doing the coasting.

    Here is or could be the issue with the car analogy~ In reality, for most of us, Ttwd is constantly changing. It is very organic just like people are. There is no 'there' to be honest. Something little here or there generally needs to be different in order for a person to still feel submissive.

    "Maintaining" basically isn't enough in the long run. Eventually most of us need to upgrade, or change directions, even it is ever so slightly. Maintaining *feels* like ignoring not acceptance. It might not seem that way to the one in charge, but it certainly does to the submissive. I have often said to my husband, 'please just let me know'. I am well aware that he can't be 'on' 24/7. That isn't him. That being said however, recognize it for what it is. " Willie I will be working a lot this week/we will have a lot of people in this house. Don't worry I haven't forgotten about us, or I am not seeing YOU. I just might be distracted for a bit". Honestly that is all it takes.

    So once again communication is key, and without pointing fingers (snort...here I go) I have seen this happen many a time. There doesn't always seem to be a two way street in communication. Subs are often told to talk to him, but HE too has to talk. I know, I know...so not a GUY thing. BUT men have to remember that they are 'dealing' with women. And even if it isn't a guy thing to talk, it is a girl thing to need to hear it. Just think of it as reassurance.

    Can't wait to read what Bobbie has to say!

    Oh PS. You know another observation I have had.. that men generally think, " I have mentioned this before, therefore we are good in this subject matter"...Yeah not so much. Mention it EVERY time...the female brain often plays 'tricks' on what our heart sees, so it is better safe than sorry.

    1. Hi Willie

      I agree with you willie if there is no more growth then the relationship will get stagnant and problems will arise.
      As for the car analogy, after his son got to where he could maintain the car he could keep it going while the father worked on other parts of the car. So he is still vested in the relationship. Sorry if I didn't explain that too good.
      As for the praising, how many times do we have to say to the sub well done? is that little praise needed all the time because to me that would mean to me that I am saying it just to say it with no meaning at all to what she does.
      Just my thoughts.


    2. Oh I guess it is my turn to say I didn't explain it well. I most certainly didn't mean anything about praising ( although that is nice). I was actually referring to the example I gave, " I am a little busy/distracted at the moment to focus on the intricacies of ttwd"

    3. Hi again Wilma

      Lmao you give good advice at least in my eyes you do. you can write on my blog any time kiddo

  4. Great Post Bob! I know we are all different for me though I need to feel his dominance in order to feel more submissive. I know most people say the opposite. Now for me that doesn't mean ordering me around. He rarely has to tell me to do anything. I don't need "correcting" often. I know hard to believe! I don't need him to be the "bad guy". It is not that I feel unloved when he forgets or doesn't mention anything. I feel more like I am thinking in my head which is constantly spinning that maybe it is really not that important to him. So if it isn't important to him, then it's not important to me. I don't need orders or to be "in trouble" I need little tiny things I guess, example... I have run your bath, go get in the tub, stay in bed do NOT get up yet, get ready we are going out, etc. I will admit I am attracted to the DOM part I know he is not going to be that way 24/7 and I understand that, but if it goes to long without any HOH'yness or DOM feelings I am not as happy. I need to feel that side of him or I want to anyway. I know our relationship has changed or evolved and it continues to do so. I do know many tih's I speak with need to feel he is in charge in some way, when they don't feel it they start over thinking just as I do. I can't wait to hear what Bobbie has to say. Love the post Bob!

    1. Hi honey

      Thank you for liking the post Honey and I totally get what your saying you want that little extra kick to do little things for him because he asked for it and you know it pleases him when you do it,


  5. Excellent post and makes one reflect inwardly. I know for me the Dom side is inconsistent and one I need to work on more. I don't mean being the "bad guy" or "spanking" all the time. But, it does mean telling her what I expect of her whether getting more rest, eating properly, etc. It also means calling her out and holding her accountable immediately vs. waiting when she is out of line as rare as Honey thinks she is...LOL. It's a matter of showing that I am in charge of both of us and our well being. When this is on all is great for both of us, but when this is inconsistent, well it sends the wrong message and causes over thinking which is not good for relationship. We all evolve and in doing so the relationship needs to evolve as well.
    I'd like to bridge off of the car analogy...The Mechanic( HoH) spends one entire weekend with his son (TiH) going through all the details to fix, calibrate and maintain a car so that the son (TiH) can then go on to maintain the car from that point forward with very little involvement from the mechanic (HoH) cuz he has shown the son (TiH) once and now the mechanic (HoH) can focus his attention on the next goal. Reflecting on this now, this is setting both up for failure. Like all skill's or relationships it takes more from the mechanic (HoH) to instill the skills in the son (TiH) or desired behavior than just one time. It takes repetition, consistency in demonstration or message to foster the initial desired skill set/behavior in the Son (TiH). If not properly nurtured consistently by the mechanic (HoH) then all of the effort from the mechanic (HoH) at the beginning to lay the foundation could and will be diminished with the son (TiH) causing the son (TiH) to question the mechanic's (HoH) motives or commitment.
    Now over time, the mechanic (HoH) needs to observe the progress of the son (TiH) consistently recognizing, acknowledging and holding accountable how their skills/behavior have grown or where they still need help. By doing so, shows that the mechanic (HoH) is still committed in teaching the son (TiH) and in turn the son (TiH) is more open to learning more. It also reinforces the initial foundation along with growing the skills/behavior in the son (TiH). BTW, the mechanic (HoH) is not immune from inwardly thinking in how he is doing and identifying how he can continue to grow not only for himself, but also for his son (TiH). This does not mean over time if the mechanic (HoH) sees that all is going well and can step back to maintain...it's now time for the mechanic (HoH) to not only continue reinforcing the foundation, but also recognizing how the skill/relationship can evolve to next level. Evolving whether in skill or relationship requires
    Can't wait to read Bobbies comment. Again, Great post Bob! This would be a great topic in chat!!

    1. Hi Lee

      Thank you for liking my post it a exciting lifestyle. We all need to stay on top of what is happening in our lives even when we are tired and hard as this is to believe (lol) when we don't want to interact with her about what was not done.

      As for the car thing I didn't explain it to well you did a much better job of saying what I was trying to say and yes I would never leave Bobbie alone after just getting use to a rule for me that would be so bad for me:)


  6. LOL, just read Honey's post after I posted mine. How ironic and glad we are on the same page!!!

  7. It's funny how we all read things a little differently. I liked your weekend (hobbyist) mechanic analogy. I read it as the Dad took as many weekends as it was necessary to teach his son how to fix the various parts until the son had a level of compentency that the Dad was happy with and could trust the son to keep things running with minimal guidance. Maybe it's because I've known fellows like that.

    I view our relationship a bit like a job. He's the boss and I'm the subordinate. We have planning meeting every day, sometimes he tells me what he wants me to work on but ususally I can tell him what needs to be done and that becomes my task list from which I work. Sometimes he prioritizes my list but usually I do things in the order that's most logical for me. It's rare that I need reminders from him (which is good because he has ADD) because it's on our whiteboard or I have an alarm/reminder on my iPad. I'm also a self reporter, I go to him at the end of the day to let him know I've finished my tasks or earlier if my energy levels are flagging. I just feel that's part of my job.

    I've always felt like he's attentive to me. He didn't always know what tasks and errands and such I was doing (and still occasionally forgets when his brain is immersed in a work project) but he's often asked me how I'm doing, how my day is going. And he sincerely wants to know. I recognize that my stuff doesn't have to be important to him and his stuff doesn't have to be important to me, we just need to acknowledge the other person's stuff is important to them. His stuff is important to me solely because it's important to him. As Willie said "communication is the key."

    Great post Bob, very thought provoking.