Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The vanilla lifestyle vs. DD lifestyle

There is one question that keeps coming up on my blog and in some of the other DD blogs and chat sites that I visit from time to time. The question is “Why did we go the DD route when the Vanilla Lifestyle offers the same thing?” At first I blew it off as a question that was asked to confuse the issue and then the more I thought about it I felt they had a valid point in their question.

The quick answer to the question above is because I like to spank Bobbie and she has to listen to me. There, the question was answered. Simple. Quick. I am happy and I like to think that the person asking the question would be happy with or at least complacent about the answer.

But that darn question started to play in my head over and over. Why did I pick DD over a non-kink lifestyle? What was the draw of why we ended up in a DD relationship? Why did Bobbie go along with my non-conventional lifestyle? Before I answer those questions I would like to compare the two very much alike but very different lifestyles.

As you read the difference between the two life styles please keep in mind this is a very simplistic view on this very complex relationship and I did not throw into the mix children, work, parents and other outside forces that would affect the couple’s relationship.

The Vanilla Lifestyle

You have to have at least two people to participate for this to work. This is something one person, for obvious reasons, cannot do. Both people must care very much about each other and want to see each other succeed in whatever they do.

There is communication. In the beginning both parties talk to each other informing the other what is going on in the day to day activities. This is new and exciting and you want to let your partner know what is happening. As time goes by, they may not talk to each other for days at a time. Oh they say things but mostly small talk. They probably don’t want to say something to hurt the others feelings or they just don’t want to hear it so they keep quiet.

There is love: Both love each other immensely. They care for their spouse very much but as the years go by they are comfortable with each other almost like roommates. They still care but the touching and that talking sweetly in their ear is fading. Sex happens less and less. You don’t have the time because you are involved in other things.

Order of things: It is whoever steps up to the plate at that particular moment. If there is a decision being made, no one answers to the other. They make decisions on their own not consulting the other thus starting little fights because they didn’t know what was going on. You start to do things apart not checking in to see what the plans are or if it is even ok if they do it at all.

Arguing: You argue over things that may or may not matter but what does matter is the way they fight. It doesn’t matter who is right or who is wrong. The main event in this game is who is going to win. Who has the best offense or defense to prove their case. There are lawyers out there that would be envious of the way they tear down the other person to prove that they are wrong.

Knowing each other: when you first meet your spouse you can’t get enough of your partner. You want to know everything about them. This carries into the early stages of marriage and you still want to know about your partner but as time goes by again you get comfortable with each other and that learning curve lessens till it just goes away. How many times have we heard a couple say after many years of marriage I didn’t know they didn’t like that?

The Domestic Discipline Lifestyle    

Again you have to have two people very much in love. This is something one person for obvious reasons cannot do. Both people care very much about each other and want to see each other succeed in whatever they do. But this time they are willingly going to take an active role in what the other person is doing.

There is communication. They actively try to inform one another of what is happening in and around their lives. They do this by setting a time during the week where they can talk to each other informing one other what is going on in their day to day activities. They talk about things that are affecting them in their lives in and outside of the marriage. Questions are asked and answers are given. They may not talk to each other for days at a time but when they do they set a designated time aside so that they can talk about things that are going on that their partner is unaware of it. 

There is love: Both love each other immensely. They care for their spouse very much but there is a spark that is always alive. Even in bed you want to please your partner. You want to give them your best. As they learn about each other through their communication meetings, they help each other out because they want to spend more time with each other. They know that they may be struggling in a certain area and they pitch in to help their partner and this starts a chain reaction of the couple helping each other whenever they can

Order of things: The HOH is the head of the household. He has final say in what goes on in their household. This does not mean he doesn’t take into consideration what his spouse said at all. He takes her opinion very seriously but it is his decision on which way he is going to lead his family.

Arguing: Yes it is in this lifestyle too. The difference is there is respect when talking to each other. Each one presents their case and if there is an error in the person’s judgment then there is an apology and life carries on. Most of the time the person can no longer say fine, I don’t want to talk about it because the other partner will pursue it even if they have to wait for a later time or day. 

Knowing each other: you actively pursue your partner to know them better. This happens through communication, arguing and just being together, and helping each other out because now you are vested in that person. Somehow you want to be with them more and you want to also please them. 

Correction: This may or may not be in a DD lifestyle but more than likely it is. If the tih does something that is against the rules that they had discussed beforehand then she is disciplined. Again in a fashion that was agreed upon in their talks.

So why did we pick this lifestyle instead of the vanilla lifestyle? Is it better than the other lifestyle? No of course not. Both offer a magnitude of opportunities for a couple to get closer to make their lives richer and fuller than ever before. As I see it there are only two differences between a DD and a vanilla lifestyle. 1. There is one leader; 2. There is discipline in the household. Everything else is pretty much the same.

I chose this lifestyle because it forces me to be proactive in our relationship. I have to pay attention to Bobbie on what she is doing and what she is feeling. We communicate more. We have learned to express ourselves in how we feel and what is bothering us. We can no longer pretend that we didn’t know or don’t care what happens because we now have each other to answer to.

As for the discipline, yes Bobbie gets disciplined for doing something wrong not because she is a child or that I am better than her. These are problems that she needs help on and she wants to be held accountable for her actions. So when rules or guide lines have been breached, we have agreed that she loses some personal privileges such as computer time and reading her books.

I am the HOH in our household and this title does not mean that I can lord my authority over her. My responsibility is to provide a safe, sane and happy environment for Bobbie, It also means that if there has to be a judgment call I have final say on how the family unit will move forward but I don’t take her advice lightly. We talk and talk some more before we forge forward. I want to see her succeed in whatever it is that she does and I will do whatever is in my power to make it so. I want her to smile be safe and loved.

I am the tih of our household and the reason I agreed to this type of relationship over the vanilla one is because we talk more about what is going on in my life and that he is trying to see to my needs. I also like the way he makes me feel wanted by taking care of me providing me a safe place to be. I have the peace of mind that he has my best interest in mind. Although at times we don’t see eye to eye on some things, he doesn’t just say things to keep me happy. The closeness is wonderful and we spend more time together and he helps me whenever he can. He is always asking me what I want and need. We seem to want to please each other more. I find that I can go to him with any problem and he may get angry but will never make me feel less than what I am.

As for the discipline, I agreed to it because there are things that I would like to change about myself and although he takes things away from me it is as the last resort.

The above description of the vanilla lifestyle was us and it served us very well because after all we lived in it for 30+ years before going to a DD relationship. With this relationship there were no checks and balances for us. We did our own thing and didn’t find out there was trouble until it was too late.

But now that we are in a DD relationship we are the same people as before except now there is a sense of order in what we do. But what it does do that the vanilla relationship does not do is that it forces us to actively participate with the each other. We have to pay attention to our surroundings. We now have one leader not two, we no longer work for ourselves. We work as a team keeping each other informed in the things that matter.


  1. WOW !
    Ok, Bob and Bobbie , you did it again.
    You wrote a very good blog post again .

    Where do I start , where do I start ? .. Hm ..

    If a couple is in such that you feel that you have lost the passion and communication in marriage , one must föränedra something . .
    Council to ques from each counselor , priest, or on the web is improving any communication. Just as you have described it.
    To start you have rules for communication, time communication, learn how to to communicate and not attack each other is not DD .
    It's as vanilla as possible. It is learned in different courses. You can find it online.
    Usually it's enough to put the marriage back on course .
    To want change, to do better , collaboration , communication rules , to have instruments HOW to communicates .
    All this is vanilla .

    Ok, it can also communicate about and decide.
    Now that we have started to communicate better we are arguing creates problems.
    How should we do so that we feel good in our marriage ?
    In my äktenskpa was, and compromise. I gladly let husband decide but I and Leo had VETO right for certain things that we absolutely could not accept. During our 25 years together , it has happened maybe 3-4 times and sometimes we said, " Ok, I decided last time, now you get to decide how we'll do , and the other accepts .
    No big deel really.
    As HOH role one can have in vanilla marriage also .. some remodeled, but you know what I mean .

  2. Continue...
    Of the whole concept of DD , and the radically different from vanilla DD , it's punishment . It 's the core of DD .
    Woman gets punished for their mistakes. Anno 2013 !

    If we would have communication as the core, then we can have vanilla marriage , right? For each good vanilla marriage , communication is the key as well.

    Many advocates of DD said : "DD is not about spanking or punischment" . Not ?
    What good, then you can delete it , right?
    But it is not . Then you have no DD . Then you have proper functioning of vanilla marriage.

    What distinguishes DD of vanilla , these two things you wrote .
    HOH .
    Punishment .

    You and I both know that in marriage there are rules .
    And in the most of mariages is a one stronger personality who want decide. OK. Irrespective of whether it is male or female .

    As I understand there are people who have the need for dispcipline and punishment in order to feel whole .
    I absolutely can not understand it , and it's OK not to understand, but I accept it .
    There are people who need to be hurt or hurts someone to feel clean slate . Can not understand either. But I accpterar it .
    So maybe DD is for these categories , which is a tiny percentage of the marriages .

    So why use the CP as punishment when you know nowadays that CP is negative and destructive ? That there are better ways to change someone's behavior with positive instrument and reward instead of punishment ?
    DD concentrates on the negative a punishing negative instead of rewarding the positive.
    Several DD women write about what they are fighting for punishments free years , to get the reward that awaits them.
    Here you have a positv instruments.
    It also applies to other punishments . One need not be punished for their development , become better person , or stop doing wrong. Making mistakes is human .
    Tools for this are in the head.

    It also applies to other punishments. One need not be punished for their development, become better person, or stop doing wrong. Making mistakes is human. And the best way to proceed is:
    admit the error, apologize, make amend and move on. Just as HOH to do, just like all people do.
    (Just treating men and women differently should be a warning bell.)

    Tools for this are in the head.

    Bobbie kudos to you that you refused CP. And you see, your marriage work anyway. The next step is perhaps not providing electricity, instruments to Bob but only put them aside. For your part.
    So what we have left of DD?

    Please, I know this as I write is very provocative.
    Not Crucify me, please, I want to create a disskution and I think there's room for both my opinion and others' different opinion here in blog land.
    Bas called it freedom.

    1. Wow I am honored that you thought that this post deserved this much attention.
      I cannot dispute your response, what you say is true we can accomplish the same goals being in a vanilla relationship as we are doing in this DD one that we are in now.
      The difference for us that we choose this lifestyle because today right now it works for us and this is were we want to be.


  3. Excellent post Bob! I agree, neither is better...just different. Currently, I am not in any relationship but in the past, I have been in 2 TTWD and several vanilla relationships. If I am ever lucky enough to find another man who wants a serious relationship with me, I know enough about myself to know it will not work long-term unless it is a TTWD relationship. Thanks for sharing.


    1. Hi cat

      Yes both are the same but very different in the way they achieve our goals.


  4. I enjoyed reading this Bob. It is great that you can show the before and after. Not everyone can be involved in a DD or TTWD relationship.That is neither good nor bad. I do know that I am so happy I am in a TTWD relationship.

    1. I agree with you Minelle this is where we want to be, it in working for us so until it stops working we will be here for awhile.


  5. This was a good read, thanks for writing and sharing! Good points.

    1. Thanks Kenzie for the kind words about my post

  6. Beautiful Bob and Bobbie <3

    1. Thank you Coral Zad for stopping by and saying hi


  7. Wonderful post Bob and Bobbie and very well said. It's great to reflect on the before and after isn't it?


    1. Thank you Roz Bobbie an I have come along way since I beginning to where we are now and hop efully farther as the years go by.