Friday, September 25, 2015

Rambling Thoughts

There has been a lot of talk lately about how one spouse is always not engaged in TTWD  as much as the other and they almost never seem to live up to their partners potential and unfortunately the one who wants it the most is the one left holding the bag being hurt in the end.

It seems like we, the one who brought this lifestyle, are always in a catch up mode. It is three steps forward two steps back and then we have our bad days where it seems that what we have gained and are holding on tight like a life line see it slip from our tight grips falling ever so farther from us.

It seems we are forever explaining ourselves on why we think this is important in our lives when our spouse seems to be not so interested in it any more or when outside circumstances get in the way.

Another thorn in our sides is the inconsistences that our partners have, they (we) say xyz is going to happen and then it soon is forgotten and we get mad. Things are said and again the life line that we are hanging on to is less. These are but a few things that can happen and when they do happen make us lose more of our life line.

My personal opinion is that there are basically three things that cause our woes and it is US, Them, Real life.

The us: most of us have wanted this TTWD since what seems forever. We have eaten, drank and dreamt  about how we were going to our DD life style right down to the crossed t's and dotted i's and when it doesn't happen we get mad because they are inconsiderate in our feelings.

We try to force feed them the information on why this endeavor is such a great idea or when we see them less interested we try to manipulate the situation to get back to where we think we should be. Heck I even went so far as to pouting and throwing myself on the bed when Bobbie wasn't interested in doing DD any more.

LOL I even remember the time when we got into a big argument because at the time she didn't seem interested in doing DD. I would say fine then I quit too. I am never going to ask you to try to do DD either (sigh pretty pathetic huh)

Them: They have been living with us for 10, 15, 20, 30 years then one day over coffee we are telling them that we want a DD relationship in all it's glory and they were looking at us as if we lost our minds or some government experiment went awry and we were the end results.

They jump on board and start hot and heavy then when it's time to think things through they slow down not sure what to do. So for them the next best thing to do is nothing and things soon come to a screeching halt.

Then there is the person who has fought for every inch of real-estate and then is told all future fighting will cease and desist but he is so use to fighting he is looking at every encounter  for us to come out swinging.

Then sadly we have the person who is just not that interested in DD
and they see it as a job or just don't care to try to do it because of the responsibility's they will have.

Last one is real life. It has its own set of problems from health issues, kids to jobs. This can affect them in many ways and can be down right debilitating to try DD because they are expending all their energy taking care of real life problems.

So what do we do to fix it? Don't know sometimes I am in the same boat as all of you in fact I am sure we have passed ships once or twice lol.

What I try to do when I find myself in these predicaments is to sit back and look at the situation to see what Bobbie sees or take a break for a few days because with us we always seem to drift back to DD even when one of us fell off the boat.

The best tool that we have when used correctly is communication because as long as they are talking  they are interested and then maybe something you say will finely click and the great DD light bulb will stay on.

Having patience, love, self control and friends in this lifestyle doesn't hurt either.

As long as we desire this type of relationship we are the ones that will bear our souls, cry, cajole, finagle and say I am swearing off trying this while at the same time trying to figure out new ways to get them on board with DD.

One last thought for my fine readers if you are at this point in your life with DD. Think back to the days before you started DD, what were they like?

Now think of the times when DD was working or even the way it is now, which is better? Was it before DD or after DD? That answer in itself should let you know what your next steps will be.

My guess is your going to jump back in the ring and try it again till we get it right.

Bob
 

12 comments:

  1. Hi Bob, this is such a great post. Thank you :) So many of us go through this. DD/ttwd really does seem to ebb and flow. I totally agree, communication really is key.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. HI Roz

      Thank you for liking the post. The chat room and forum that I belong to talk about the what if's and suggesting possible answers to various problems and all the time it comes back full circle to communication. It is truly the foundation of any relationship.

      Bob

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  2. Thank you so much for this post. Sent it to my HoH and am happy for him to read it!

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  3. Hi Cherished
    WOW I am speechless, I don't know what to say to that but a big thank you for your super kind words

    Bob

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    1. Sorry I missed your reply Renee

      Thank you for stopping y to comment on my post

      Bob

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  5. You know, I read somewhere not too long ago ( probably on some Dom site) that really it is the perception of the sub that matters in a given situation. NOT necessarily what is actually happening. Sounds like a lot doesn't it? But if you really think about it, in many ways it is true. If the 'sub/tih ( whatever letters you chose to make you happy) perceives there is inconsistency or not 'more' ( or I'd suppose to some on the flip side too much Domming) it is that mindset/concern/perception that needs to be addressed.

    When I brought that blog post or comment to Barney, he sat back and thought about it for a moment or two. In some ways it relieved his stress, for it isn't that perhaps HE is doing anything 'wrong' but that in the situations we find ourselves in from time to time, I am perceiving things differently. OF course communication is always the key ( urgh don't we get tired of typing that? LOL). I also find this is the area where my greatest vulnerability comes into play~ so much so that if I spit something out, it is usually forced out through frustration and I sound anything BUT vulnerable. Thankfully the dreaded C word has 'cured' Barney's perception of what I am feeling during those times. And because of that, he can listen to me without concerning himself with my tone, as he knows I need that bit of attitude to get my words out.

    The best thing about this post, is the fact that people know that no matter how long a couple has been practicing ( insert your letters here) there is no perfect relationship when it comes to it...We all find ourselves struggling at one point or another, just like any relationship. Thanks for that Bob.

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    1. Hello Wilma

      Well put Wilma thank you for replying to the post
      Bob

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  6. Bob,
    This is a wonderful Post!!!! I am so happy to read it. I also think I don't need anyone yelling at me either it is just MY Thought, sometimes the one bringing this lifestyle is the kinda more demanding one, and I would think that could be exhausting in itself. I mean we are Happy one day & then bc a HOH forgot something we think they are not on board or don't care. That is really much to ask for an HOH to be "ON" all the time IMO. But.... I am so NEW I probably shouldn't even be commenting on this LOL
    honey

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    1. LOL Honey you are such a jokester if the fine folks here really know you thay would understand why I am busting a gut right now. now.
      Yes like you said you are so new now for 3 yrs now.
      Thank you for your kind words in your reply

      Bob

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  7. A very good analysis, Bob. I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. In a way, it's like going to the gym - you start out with all good intentions, but then 'other stuff' gets in the way, especially motivation and enthusiasm, which go up and down. But then, it's not really a race as we all do it in 'our way' and to 'suit ourselves', so no two folk are ever going to be exactly the same in their pattern of DD/TTWD/DS/whatever.

    I do, however, think it helps enormously to know that when you are having a bit of a downer, there are other people having downers at the same time. If it all went perfectly, just think how boring it would soon get. LOL!

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. Hi Ami

      I learned the hard way that you can't keep it at a level that I deam about so I have learned to accept the good days and to weather the bad days.

      Bob

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