Confession

Urban Dictionary defines confession as to admit guilt. Fess up. To accept responsibility for a crime committed or some other lapse of judgment, sanity, or breach of socially or culturally acceptable conduct.

Should the wife, or for that matter, the husband go to their respective spouses and ask forgiveness for whatever it was that they did? Is it healthy to go to your spouse and tell them what you did even if they didn’t know about it and, if so, how much do you tell them of what went on?

Now I am not saying that you have to confess everything to your spouse because then just about everyone would be too busy telling each other what they did wrong and everything would come to a screeching halt.

My thoughts on what should be confessed about is anything that effects your spouse in his or hers decision-making, when it hurts the relationship, hinders you from moving forward in your relationship or breaking any rule that was agreed upon beforehand.

At first my thoughts on why confessing was so hard was because of the discipline that was going to be meted out as soon as she said what it was that she did. But the more I thought about it and talked to Bobbie and others, in most cases it is all about the disappointment in oneself because she feels like she let herself and her partner down and also the hurt look and disappointing her husband.

When I am knocked down from my not so high lofty place. When I do something wrong that hurts my relationship, I tell myself what an idiot I am. How can I expect Bobbie to follow my lead when I can't even do the same thing and, then as I tell her what happened I can see the hurt, confusion, sorrow and anger all cascade over her face as she listens to my story.

The other reason it is so hard is because of us being ashamed when telling your spouse the same story over and over again of why we failed doing something that was important to the relationship

So you’re probably thinking if they don’t know about it why tell them, I have time to fix this and then they will never know there was a mistake. The simple answer to this question is trust. How can you expect him to lead you down the rough patches of life or handle the finances properly if you are constantly undermining it.

Let’s use a speeding ticket for an example. The police issued you a speeding ticket. You know your husband is going to go through the roof if he finds out about it. So you pay it and he hasn’t a clue of what happened. Now the new insurance bill comes and he sees a sharp increase in the bill. He calls the insurance company thinking that they over charged him and then finds out that it was because of your speeding ticket. You are now forced to pay the higher premium and now have to re-budget to adjust to the new bill.

If this happens enough times how can you be trusted to help him guide the family through life if he has to keep reevaluating the situation from the information that you keep withholding from him. Now he has to always research his facts to see if he has enough resources to accomplish his goals adding extra time and energy to his task of supporting the family.

The benefits of telling your spouse what you did wrong is a great stress release because you have laid it all at his feet. You're not beating yourself up anymore wondering what is going to happen. It no longer becomes your problem but it is now our problem and you realize how much easier it would have been if it had been the two of you all along. This is when you truly find out what your spouse is made of and how much they truly love you as they wrap their arms around you kissing your forehead telling you that all is still well and we will fix it.

Bob

Then and Now

This is going to be a different type of post because I am not going to talk about my problems or ways to make DD work. What I would like to do is talk about the way is has enhanced the way we interact with each other. It has brought us new tools for us to use to help us keep our focus on “US” and not ourselves.  

Going into the DD relationship has shown us that we work more efficiently as a team. Before DD we were caught up into what the individual was doing instead of what we could be doing together. DD reprogrammed us to work as a team getting our projects done faster giving us more time to relax. Yes, we still have individual chores to do but the difference now is that when one of us is done with their chores the other goes and helps the one still working so they can be done faster.

I see Bobbie differently. I no longer take her for granted. I want to be by her, to know her in ways I have never considered before. I want to hear her laugh and to see the smile on her face. Even when the darkness comes I want to experience her hurt, her anger, her fears and pain not to gloat or to get joy from it but to comfort, to soothe her, to hold her, to help her understand how to hold her head high and be proud of who she is.

I see myself differently also. I no longer feel like I am the victim of circumstances, I am no longer out of control, I am not angry as much as I use to be, I no longer run from problems, I am accountable for my actions, I am more in tune with my surroundings, and I want to be more responsible for my actions.

I see US differently. We are no longer operating as two separate entities trying to make all the decisions without the others knowledge; and we don’t try to hide our mistakes. We don’t blame each other for something that should have been done by me/her. Now we are a team working together for the common good of US to make our life better and more comfortable. We now own up to our faults and take responsibility for what we have done. We face the world together and watch each other’s back.

We are not perfect. Far from it. We still bicker and we get under each other’s skin but that is life with us being so close to each other but now we have the necessary tools to fix those problems when they arise.

Thoughts From A HOH

Lisa Lynn: my husband and I work together (in tight quarters) as we are over the road truck drivers..well he drives and I due to medical issues can't work/drive so I navigate and help in any way I can. my question is do you ever get overwhelmed being the HOH? Though we have been married 12 wonderful years we are really new to this part of our relationship and we love it. Have never had this peace and closeness. I just worry that being with me 24/7 doesn't he need an off switch so to speak. he says he loves his new role and I really believe he does but I put myself in his shoes and I would be soo incredibly overwhelmed. could you give us ladies possibly some insight into the male psyche of being the HOH/disciplinarian/dom...I agree with Wilma and Queenie as well, I love hearing about the dynamics of others relationships and have learned a lot. Thank-you

Well Lisa Lynn and all those who really want to sneak a quick look into the psyche of a HOH

I can honestly say I have never gotten overwhelmed with being a HOH for the 4 + years that we have been doing DD. That being said, I have been confused because there are days when I honestly haven’t a clue on what to do. I know that us HOH’s are always supposed to have an idea of what we want and where we are headed but, as much as I hate to say this, there are days that my compass is off and I lose direction of where we are headed. On those days, I get very quiet and I go into my analytical cave and ponder on what it is that is off. Sometimes I can pinpoint it right away and other times it will take me days to realize what went wrong and then I can either go back to where the mistake was made or I can change direction from that point on to go in the direction that we should be going.

Hurt, yes under the tough paper armor we wear, we hurt just as much as you girls do. We just tend to hide it better than you do. The person that is most capable of hurting me is the one I love the most. Bobbie with a single gesture or word can slice me like no other. I hurt when I have to discipline Bobbie either by a spanking or by taking something away from her because I am the one causing the pain and discomfort although I do it for the good of US

Scared, When I make a big decision be it finances or an unknown direction that I think our family should follow because the risks are huge and it can be costly if the wrong move was made. So I sit up at night and think about it and pray that it turns out ok.

Worried, I worry when something goes wrong and I don’t know what the outcome will be or when I have no control over a situation and we are forced to go along for the ride.

Angry, When Bobbie does something that I think is reckless or dangerous I get angry at myself. First, because I feel it was my fault for not explaining myself clearly enough or that I have not provided a safety net to protect her. After we have talked about what has happened, and I find that I did everything that I could then my anger is towards her.

Rewarded, I am rewarded almost on a daily bases because when there is peace in our little universe I know I have done my job in protecting and leading my family through the not so smooth roads of life. To see the content look on Bobbie’s face and in her actions what greater joy can one have than that.

Surprised, this one gets me every time because I never expect it. It always has a way of sneaking up on me. There are days that I really don’t think Bobbie is listening to me or that her whole purpose in life is to make me miserable. Then all of a sudden unexpectedly she will say or do something that shows me that she has been listening to me, those precious times can get me to smile from ear to ear.

Happy, I am at my happiest when I know I have done a good job in providing for my family and meeting Bobbie's needs that tells me that there is smooth sailing ahead, in other words, when Bobbie is happy me the HOH is happy.

So the big question of the day is why do it? If it takes a lot of time and energy, the marriage is well with no internal battles going on, and everything is clear over the horizon then why bother?

Well I think it is a simple answer and it is because I like it, I like the control, I like the challenge, it gives me a purpose. It makes me proud when it all comes together even for a short while. The other important thing that I like about being the HOH is the look on Bobbie's face to see the contentment, the safe haven that we have built. We are a team now like the Dynamic Duo no longer fighting by ourselves.

The thing that I dislike about it is that I have to be the heavy to police the rules and when they are broken I have to be the disciplinarian. That, in itself is not bad because that comes with the territory of being a HOH. What I don’t like is causing pain to the one I love the most and that is Bobbie. To see the hurt look on her face after spanking or taking things away from her, at times it seems to hurt me almost as much as it hurts her.

Bob

Questions From Mona Lisa and Queenie

Mona Lisa: Why have you introduced discipline spanking into your relationship?
Why DD and not D / s, or congeniality therapy that does not hurt Bobbies butt...

I was just going to answer Mona's question and move on but the more I was writing about why I was using discipline spanking this post started to take on a form of its own because I was raising more questions as I was trying to explain myself and I started to think why did I incorporate spanking in our relationship.

Let’s face it 5 years ago and up to even today just about any of the DD blogs and the more instructional DD blogs that are out there that you may have read revolves around spanking as the equalizer in a DD relationship. Everyone talks about it, there are instructions on the who, when, where, and how to do the spanking. When we answer questions from a newbie, what is it we tell them should happen? We tell them that if she/he does not live up to their end of the bargain they get spanked. However, there is very little on the alternate side of discipline.

When I was researching how to do DD, it taught me important tools how to communicate, be more consistent in what I did in our DD lifestyle and to hold Bobbie and myself to a higher standard than what we did before, to make rules. When those rules were broken the main problem solver was spanking. It was explicitly expressed that this is what you should do and that is to spank when the tih needed correction and since I am a spanko I thought that was the logical direction to take. So I ran with it. When I first introduced discipline spanking into our DD relationship, as sad as it sounds it was because that was all I knew about the DD lifestyle in keeping the peace in our household. Little did I know while I was comfortable on the careening train of DD I was riding, it was about to run smack into an unmovable brick wall. Hundreds of hours of research went crashing into that wall called Bobbie.

Honestly, I have only discipline spanked Bobbie a few times. One I wrote on this blog. We do, do what we call US time which I would say that it equates to a maintenance spanking to let her know that she is heading into dangerous territory. What we have found out is that discipline spanking her to tears like that is counterproductive because it has the opposite effect on her. She gets into a depressing mood instead of a relaxed mood. Therefore, now her discipline is that she loses her electronics and books for a day and it can escalate from there, we also have resorted to writing essays on the problem at hand and we have been exploring writing lines by hand. This has a far better effect on her than a discipline spanking does.

In our earlier years before DD came into the lime light, D/s was the norm and we experimented with it when we were exploring with our kink, we played with D/s and had fun with it but we never took it to seriously enough to pursue it any farther than in the bedroom for the sex.   


Queenie: Hey Bob :) Have you or Bobbie ever started to have second thoughts about DD? If so, what did you do about it?

ROFLMAO. Shaking my head back and forth. If you only knew how many times we stopped and started DD, you would sit there and wonder how we did it. If I did something that Bobbie didn't like she would say, “Fine I quit”; and if she didn’t do what I wanted her to do I would say the same thing. The thing that kept it all together was that when one of us quit the other would say no you’re not. This seems to be working and we are not going back to the way we were. We would always go back to square one. We would make a pot of coffee, sit at the table, hold hands and then just talk of why we did this or that. At times, our commenting on of each other hurt because of the way one of us stated how one of us was acting. After much communication and after a few false starts we finely got it right and neither of us has said I quit. Oh yes we still get upset with one another but we have never ever again said, “I quit”

Bob

Questions Answered

Maryanne: i have been away on vacation but over the last few weeks we have gotten out of the 'groove' and well.... how do we get back IN the groove? i'm sending out a plea of help to you and i'm hoping you'll have some good advice for me. :)

It has been said if you break a cycle for more than 3 weeks what is likely to happen is that you won’t go back to what you were doing. Just like what is happening to you.

What I would try if Bobbie and I were not involved in our DD lifestyle as much as we are now is I would first have a sit-down. I would talk to her about how I thought we are slacking on our commitment to each other and just rolling over giving up on each other, Being careful not to lay blame at her feet because in reality we are both at fault for letting this go so far.

Once the problem (s) have been identified it will be time to go to work on getting back into the groove. If it is the husband slacking in his duties, then you, the tih, will have to gently take him by the hand and guide him in the right direction by being submissive to him by asking for his help. You may have to bluntly say to him that you need his guidance in telling you what he wants or you could just tell him that you need some much needed attention.

If the wife is the one that is slacking, then you, the HOH, needs to step up to the plate. She is waiting for your help and support. Tell her in your dominate voice that vacation time is over and we need to get back to where we were. Tell her it is time to start about thinking of US again and not wandering around like lost nomads. You will probably have to get firm with her if she continues to slack off. I would think a good reminder spanking or two would get her back into the program.

The bottom line is to start talking again to each other and coming up with a plan that the both of you agree on. Roll up your sleeves and go to work.


Rog: My wife, Kim, seems to be having a hard time giving up that final bit of control and fully submitting to me. How do I help her with this?

Not knowing the dynamics of your relationship nor what she or you think is that final step, I cannot fully answer for you but you can talk to your wife and ask her why she is having a difficult time submitting in this area. Find out what is hindering her to submit to you totally. When you do find out what is hindering her, then I would attempt to solve the problem by breaking it down to smaller compartments thus making it easier to manage. Then work on each compartment until the whole problem is solved. Doing so with baby steps and with a lot of communication.

Now this is just my personal thoughts on fully submitting to a person. I don’t think it can happen and my reasoning is because we have feelings and we respond to the stimuli around us. We process things with our mind. We in general form our opinions from what we have experienced and from the things around us.

With all that going on, what was good today may be a problem tomorrow or later, something that happened in our past that was forgotten has now awakened causing us to dredge up some bad memory or it could be something good. We are dealing with ever changing emotions. Never in a set pattern and so it is with submission. It too is ever changing ever moving.

Bob

Plea for Help

Hello my dear friends.

I need your help because I am at a lost of what to write, my mind is not cooperating with me and I can't come up with a post so after much thought that I would like have an open request week.

What is on your mind that you would like me to write about? If you have a question you would like me to write about, please leave a response to this post with your question(s) and I will try to answer them to the best of my ability.

Thanks for participating.

Bob

 

Does Sex and Discipline Spanking Go Together

JasonGirl from The Taming of the Shrew and I are going at it again, with the way we interpret words, this time we are going to be talking about whether there should be sexual intimacy after a discipline punishment? I took CON and JasonGirl is taking the PRO road for this debate.

 

The question I am addressing is: Is it counterproductive to have sex right after a punishment?  What are some things that could make the punishment non-productive and could this lead to bad behavior from the HOH and Tih. This article is not meant to sway your option, as with anything in a DD relationship it is just another way of looking at an issue.

 

I chose that CON side of the argument because I think that having sex/intercourse right after a punishment can send a mixed message. Let's face it, punishments are not fun for the HOH or Tih. That is why they are called punishments and not play. Punishments are meant to change/correct a behavior. And for some it gives the Tih the opportunity to forgive theirself.  So, I feel that it is crucial that I do not send mixed messages during this time. But with anything that includes a naked bottom there is always going to be some kind of intimacy involved.  

 

In this example the TIh is a female. Only because that is what I can easily associate with. 
  

The first example is a young couple that is just starting out in their DD relationship. They talked about and agreed upon what would happen if any of their rules were broken. But the time has come and now she is faced with her first discipline spanking. The couple goes through their ritual of the spanking. But this time is different it is for punishment.

 

Afterwards he wants to have sex with her and she could also have these feelings. But remember she has just been punished and is very submissive and may not be in the right frame of mind to tell her husband no or say that she is not interested in having sex with him because all she really wants is to be held and told that everything is all right.

 

So let’s say they have sex. Is she feeling and reflecting on the punishment or is she feeling the warmth and connection to the interment connection of the sex?  Or is she now unknowingly connecting sex and punishment in her head.  Let’s say that she is connecting/associating sex with her punishments.  Or worse yet she is thinking that sex is bad because it is part of her punishment.

 

The second example is when she wants to have a romp in the hay with her husband and he says no that he doesn't want to right then. So she knows that if she is disciplined, right after that she will get to have sex. She now plots on doing something that is against their rules making sure that she gets caught. Now both parties are not realizing that he is caught up in a vicious cycle.  

 

Once again that leads to another question. How do you prevent bad habits or feelings from developing when dealing with this very sensitive time in a DD relationship…What I would consider to be appropriate is that after the punishment has occurred that you would have a aftercare procedure set up. This is to reassure your spouse that everything is now right again and that they have been forgiven or received the proper punishment for whatever mistake or behavior needed to be addressed… 

I feel that once the couple have had a chance to calm down and reassure each other, and maybe even talk about the punishment and what each party was feeling before and after. Then it would be ok to engage in a loving and fun filled act of pleasure.

Bob