Guilt, Fears and Insecurities

 

Have you ever had that nagging feeling that something in your relationship is just not right? You’re looking over your shoulder, around corners looking for things that are not there, or you are reading more into a situation or the way something was said and you’re just not comfortable anymore?

Have you started to think that your relationship would be better if you had done it a different way? If you never said this or that, things would be ok? Being the HOH are you second guessing yourself reading too much information into what her actions were when you told her to do something? Was it her attitude that has changed? Did she just give you a offhanded remark to one of your directions, you think she did but you can’t be sure.

You have become ineffective to move forward because of the problems that are like chains around your neck weighing you down till you can’t move any more. You become stagnant being sucked down in the muck by the insecurities and fear that you have created and it seems like the more you fight it the deeper you sink.

Welcome to the DD Twilight Zone! Where things that are normal in a regular lifestyle are now not normal because you have this weight called guilt, fear or insecurities. How does guilt enter and take residence in your head driving you nuts, looking for tall tail signs that something is wrong?

Guilt

Let us look at this poor person named Sam. He has started to make great strides in moving forward with his wife Sami and as they are enjoying the cruise along the smooth road of life,  Sam starts thinking of something that he has done to Sami that has hurt her in the past. In his mind he is replaying the same scenario when he found out that the car insurance was about to be cancelled because Sami did not pay the bill even after the repeated cancellation letters that she had received and ignored.

Sam cringes when he sees himself yelling at Sami. How could she have not paid the bill. That she did it on purpose. That she didn’t care plus many things that was more hurtful that night. Then suddenly he grabbed her and puts her over his knees and in his blind rage he spanked her too hard and didn’t listen to her pleas to stop or her safe word.

So now all he can do is look at his wife saying, “How could I have let this go so far? I caused her so much pain”. How does one fight guilt that stops you cold in your tracks and keeps you from doing the right thing? The first thing I would do is forgive myself for my past anger. If you can’t forgive yourself there is no sense of going any further because nothing is going to work until you can put this behind you. Second, I would think back on that day and identify the stressors that caused you to lose your cool. Now you have something to gauge your future actions against to see if you are heading down the wrong path again. Then ask yourself if you did it over again how would you have done it differently? What were the signs that you started to unravel?

Talk to your spouse, tell them what is happening with you and ask them to help you to come up with some kind of plan to help you combat your guilt. Talk to a close friend that you trust, ask them for some suggestions on how to solve your dilemma.

Insecurities

Sami was chatting on line with some friends of hers and her friends were talking about how their husband has stepped up to the plate and is spanking them more. They are saying they are in nirvana now because of all the attention their HOH is giving them. Sami wants to be spanked like her friends so she too can feel the bliss that they are experiencing. Her husband says no, not tonight, I am tired because work has been taking a lot of his time and attention so she starts to think he is not interested in this lifestyle any more so she starts seeing things that aren’t there. She starts seeing ghost around every corner doubting her husband. Does he really want DD? And herself too. Maybe she is not submissive enough or too needy for his attention.

So how does this poor woman stop her insecurities? She goes to the most used tool used in her DD utility belt. Communication. She goes to her husband and tells him what she is feeling. What she is seeing, whether it is true or not, so they can work on this together.

Talk to close friends if you have any in this lifestyle so you can get a different spin on how things really are. Build a support group that you can rely on so in times of trouble you can lean on them for support until you figure out what to do.

Fear

The new HOH, with heavy heart, goes into the bedroom. It is time for him to discipline his wife for over spending her budget. But as he looks at his wife sitting at the edge of the bed, he starts to get nervous because he is afraid of spanking her too hard. He doesn’t want to make her cry so he cheats her on her closer.

The HOH in his past relationship was lied so that destroyed their marriage and now many years later he is remarried and now he is sitting at the kitchen thinking he is seeing the same signs as before. The fear starts to grip him where he can’t think about any thing else but the imagined thought of doom running through his head.

This is the hardest to fight back because as we all know that if it is strong enough it could stop you right in your tracks keeping you from the joys of this relationship. However, the same powerful tools mentioned above will work for this too, but it will take longer to gain the trust and confidence to enjoy each other.

Guilt, insecurities and fears are three of many things that can keep us from continually moving forward and enjoying each other. As long as we remember that we have our DD tools: communication, some kind of support group and a close friend to talk to that we can trust, these tools can fix a multitude of problems.

What are some of the ways you combat your guilt, fears and insecurities?



Bob