It Is Working

We seem to have found our little niche in TTWD I am at peace with what we are doing and Bobbie is more relaxed and she is able to let her hair down. The reason for this post is to give you readers who have been following our new adventure on how our alternate discipline is going. Bobbie is going to input her thoughts on this subject. My writings will be black and her response will be blue.

I am pleased to say that this “new” type of discipline that we are trying is very agreeable to Bobbie's mind set and she is no longer worried how she is going to react if I try spanking her or give her CT if she breaks one of the rules we have set in place.

This new discipline style that we have adapted has put my mind at ease.  I can handle my punishment in a much more calming way.  It makes me reflect on what I have done and at the same time doesn’t belittle me. Gives me more confidence in myself.

She is even self-monitoring herself. She even tells me when she has not done what we have agreed on. She has done this on a couple of occasions and although it is great that she is doing this, I am not comfortable because I feel like I am taking advantage of her. As if I am the one that is slacking off and not giving her my all in this endeavor.

I keep telling him it is okay if I tell on myself.  Is this not the honesty part of the program? He cannot be constantly watching me and on alert 24/7.

As you all know Bobbie has to email me every day. Her deadline is 12 am and if she doesn’t send it to me by that time she knows that she will lose her electronics and her reading time for a whole day – she gets everything back at 12 a.m.

The first time she told me she didn’t write in the morning I looked at my email to verify that she didn’t. I wanted to tell her that since I didn’t catch her that it was ok. But I thought better of it and kept my mouth shut and let her work this out on her own.

She concluded that she should have her electronics and reading time taken away because she did not live up to her side of the bargain. She did not know that she hit a cord inside of me. I felt that I should have caught it and it should not have been her to step up and tell me she failed but I said to myself I would be more alert in her writing.

Two days ago she came up to me and preceded to tell me that she didn’t write again and that she would have to give up her electronics and reading time once more. Then she got real upset with herself.

When she was telling me this and I was watching her war with herself justifying her actions I suddenly felt inadequate and felt guilty like I was cheating her by not paying more attention to what was going on with the two of us. If I am missing this little task what else am I missing? How can I ask her to do this if I am not even watching what is going on.

I apologized to her for not paying more attention to what was going on and that I wasn’t holding up my end of the deal. She looked at me and said it is not your job to monitor me. it is my job to make sure I do what I promised and if it doesn't happen then I pay the price for failing.

TTWD has a way of gentle way of teaching everyone that there is always something new to learn and a way in humbling the the HOH and uplifting the tih's. In this case it has taught Bobbie how to be accountable and it has shown me that I have more work to do to being her true HOH.

When oh when is he going to learn that yes he should bring things to my attention when I don’t do something we have agreed upon, but in the same breath am I not accountable for the rules also? Just because he doesn't always read his email doesn't mean that he is neglecting me or ignoring me. It just means that he is human. Sometimes that is the problem with our HOHs. They think that for them to error is unforgivable.

In the beginning of this journey that was my biggest problem. Losing my identity as a woman and equality in our relationship. If it is his responsibility alone to catch me, then I am not holding up my part of the bargain.  And from what I have read and learned this is an equal opportunity relationship. If I want to be treated like an equal I have to be proactive in ttwd.