A Man Asking For A DD Relationship

 JasonsGirl from The Taming of the Shrew  and I have collaborated again doing another post and this one is about how the spouse can ask for a DD relationship. 

JasonsGirl from The Taming of the Shrew will be taking the female version and I will be doing the man asking for a DD relationship 

Now if you hardly ever helped your wife with chores or haven't taken a real interest in what she does or talked to her, I mean really talked to her, not just saying "hi honey how are you doing or where are my golf clubs." Stop right here there is some work that has to be done before you even start.

For the next month or two you are going to pay attention to your wife really pay attention to her. Take the initiative to ask her if she needs help. And I mean help her with some of her chores, try to make her life a bit easier. Now talk to her really talk to her see what is going on in her life become a part of it, What is bothering her, books she is reading, touch her arm her hair let her know that you have noticed her, do this daily. Instead of asking her where she would like to go to supper, make the decision for her. Let her know you are there to take care of her. If you see something broke or some other chore that has to be done go and do it don't wait for her to mention it.

Why do you have to do this you ask? It is because it will get you into the routine that you are going to spend a lot of time communicating with her plus showing her that you want to change.    

Some time during this trial period she is going to notice a difference in your attitude and the way you look at her and if at that time she does ask you, then proceed to explaining that you want a DD relationship 

Whether you have been living with this desire for a long time or you just woke up today realizing that you want some thing better for your relationship and you think DD is the answer but you just don’t know what to do? This post is for you

So you woke up today and decided that you are going to talk to your wife and tell her that you want a DD relationship but you are unsure how she is going to respond to your request and how are you going to go about telling her your secret desire.

Since I am the one that brought this type of relationship to my wife and have played it back in my head, there would have been some things I would have done differently (ok a lot differently.)

You want a DD relationship with your wife and you want to talk to her about it but are not sure on how to go about it. Like anything else that we do if you want to convince someone about a new idea you have to do your homework. You have compiled an information packet for her to read about. What DD is and what it entails and websites that she can look at. Before any thing else is done you have to know what it is that you want. You say you have done that but have you separated your fantasy from reality? What is the game plan? Are you going to tell her a plan on how you see DD to progress in your lives or are you going to go in there with guns blazing telling her about it without any backup contingency plan?

Well, you don’t want to set her down and say “Honey I want a DD relationship because… and yes if you do some things wrong I am going to spank you till you cry.” That was the approach that I did to Bobbie and it didn’t do me much good. Why didn’t it work? it was because I didn’t explain anything to her I just told her what I wanted. I couldn’t tell her why she would want this.  

Ok, you did your homework; you have a plan, a back up plan and a back plan for your back up plan. Now a word of caution do not use confrontational words like YOU, I and ME instead use US, WE, OUR do not lay the blame on anyone while you are talking about DD. You are ready to talk to you significant other about what you want the two of you to try. Sit down with a pot of coffee or the beverage of your choice some place where you are not going to be disturbed. Tell her what you have been thinking. You have been analyzing your relationship. If you see things that need improvement tell her about the areas that you think need improvement and point them out to her. If the marriage is running smoothly then tell her that you would like a closer relationship with her.

Now tell her that you have been searching for better ways to enhance your lives and you found DD. Explain to her what DD is and what it is not. Give her some reading material of what it is and how it works. Tell her you know that this is a lot of information and that you would like her to read the material. Think about it and we can talk further about it in a few days. After a few days have gone by, ask her if she wants to talk about it and if she needs more time then you will ask her once again in another few days. If by then she still hasn’t decided to talk to you then ask for another meeting so the two of you can talk about what is bothering her about it.

Now the real work is about to begin. Remain calm and remember to breathe. She may have some questions so answer them as honestly as you can. If you get stuck on a question this would be a good time to look up the answer together to show her that you are a team now. The first question that Bobbie had for me was “why me, why do you get to be the head of the household” my answer was “because you always ask me what we are doing, I fix the problems that we both create, and I think logically where you think with your emotions.” Now your situation may be the same or it may be different. Explain it to her so that she understands where you are coming from, but please don’t tell her that it is because you thought of it first.

Now explain the mechanics of how you plan to make this work. Take your time with this phase because you are laying down the foundation, the building blocks and this is going to determine if this succeeds or not.

As you go through the process of explaining to her the steps that you are taking to make sure that this DD lifestyle is going to work, if she has a question stop, answer her questions, and if you can’t come to an agreement put it aside and let her know that you will talk about it at the end of the meeting.

Your half way home, she now understands what you are trying to accomplish with going to a DD lifestyle. Talk about some rules, make them simple don’t make a lot of them because it will become overwhelming to keep up. Set up some rules that are bothering the two of you. Some examples may be procrastination, swearing, dirty dishes etc.

Next you’re going to be talking about the consequences of what happens when the rules are broken. Talk about the many options that you have to reprimand the error in her judgment of not following the rules. This would also be an excellent time to tell her how you plan to conduct yourself under the same circumstances. Since every relationship is different, I will not be offering any advice on how to proceed with this part of the decision, only the two of you will be able to answer what is right for you.

Your almost home free. Tie up any loose ends that have been put aside till now and agree to have a DD meeting twice a week at least for a half hour longer if possible to talk about the problems that may have arisen, some rules may be discarded, revised or gotten rid of just because they didn’t work. Use this time to modify your new lifestyle listen to her concerns and if she tells you that you are doing something wrong don’t get mad or offended find out what the problem is and fix it.

I hope that the two of you are on a wonderful and exciting new life together in this DD adventure

Disclaimer If you are not going to be consistent, honest, truthful, and responsible in giving your loved one the full attention that she deserves in a DD relationship, please don’t do this because you are going to cause her and yourself a lot of grief and aggravation.

Bob

Tips On Being a Leader

 

If you are new to this TTWD, or are going to be the HOH in your home, it is imperative that you take the ships helm of your household because you are now going to be the captain of your ship. Just think how much easier it will be sailing through the rough seas of life with a shipmate and crew that didn’t panic when rough waters are crashing into the hull of the ship, instead of watching your crew run around in confusion floundering in the sea, pushed by the waves here and there, taking you ever closer to the rocks.

The reason that you are becoming the leader can be just about anything. It could be that you may have been the person that was laid back or your wife was the captain for a while and she said she is not doing it anymore. It may be because of your job or any number of other reasons. However, you’re just not sure of what to do and you’re not prepared to lead your household.

How many times have you witness a person either at work or out in your daily walk in life that special person that commands respect that when he/she says something every one stops and listens, it's like that commercial that was on TV about E.F. Huttion it went like this “When E.F. Huntton talks, people listen." So what does make a good leader what are the qualities of the making of a good leader? He has to be trustworthy, honorable, dependable, and responsible. These four attributes I won’t get into because they are self-explanatory.

Maybe by practicing these simple steps you can improve your leadership in your household.

1. Improve on your decision-making skills. Sometimes we are afraid of just making the wrong or unpopular decisions. What a good leader will know is that they will make bad decisions in their lives, one way to move ahead is to realize that when you do make a mistake is not to dwell on it but to learn from your mistake find out what went wrong and then move on.

2. Be a motivator, have a clear and precise plan on where you want your family to be in a week, month and years from now. Then inspire your dreams to your wife and kids if they are old enough tell them what you see them doing in a short and long term goals that way they will see the prize that you a striving for just as you see it.

3. Learn to listen.  Listen to you wife when talking to her, she just may has a better plan to follow. A good leader will come up with good ideas but a great leader will also listen to his family’s advice or criticisms and then consider all that he has heard.

4. Recognize your personal shortcomings nobody is perfect if you know your lacking in a certain area ask for advice in that area and while your trying to improve that flaw, accept constructive criticism.

5. You want your wife to listen to you and you want her to do as you say then you will have to improve your oral communication skills. The best way to do this is to think before you say anything, slow down when speaking, and make sure she is looking at you while you speak to make sure she is listening to you, never talk down to the person you are talking to.

6. Take risks, there are going to be days when you have to fly by the seat of your pants. No don’t go doing this a lot but there are days when you will have to go on a hunch that it would be a good decision to make and take that leap of faith and run with it especially if you see a high yield gain from the decision.

7. Be trustworthy, honorable, dependable and responsible these are the most important traits to have if you have these then the other six rules will follow without much problems. No one wants to follow someone who is undependable, lies, not responsible. With these trait you family will go anywhere with you being the leader.

So, now you have the helm of the ship, will it be a well disciplined ship with a crew willing to follow their fearless leader that is prepared to handle rough water ahead or are you going to hope for the best with eyes closed not to be thrown into the rocks by the waves crashing into your boat, the choice is yours. Choose wisely.

 

 

 

 

Christion view on Submission

There are a lot of misconceptions about submission and submissive people. Before we can intelligently consider what the Bible has to say on the subject of submissive wives we need to clear these misconceptions out of our way. Let me begin with a few simple statements about the nature of submission:

Only a strong person can be submissive.
Submissiveness is not timidity, it is not servility, it is not subservience, it is not docility, it is not degrading, it is not a sign of weakness.

Submission is a sign of strength, not of weakness and a greater degree of submission requires a greater degree of strength of personal character.

 Submission is an act of the will — it is the result of a choice, a decision. The act of submission can only come from a choice that a person makes. Submission cannot be enforced upon a person. Either a person submits of their own free will or they do not submit at all. Submission is a gift that one person chooses to give to another person. By contrast oppression is the act of extracting something from a person against their will. Submission and oppression are, therefore, opposite qualities of a relationship and not even remotely similar.

The submission of a good wife is a glorious thing that is intended to help her and her husband to have a contented life together. Problems in life and in marriage are more or less inevitable but when a woman is submissive to her man it is much more likely that those problems can be resolved harmoniously, without unpleasant quarrelling and without bitterness and resentment. Those people who look down on submission as if it were something demeaning, degrading or humiliating are merely showing that they have no understanding of what submission is and that they are quite ignorant of its power.

If you are a Christian wife who has been feeling uncomfortable with the Biblical demand that you submit to your husband then, I hope, these statements have perked up your interest and given you a glimpse of the bright cheerfulness ahead. Being submissive to your husband does not mean, as so many ignorant detractors of submission seem to think, that you should be an empty-headed bimbo, or that you should have no opinions of your own, or that you should be like a doormat.

If you are a Christian husband I hope that you will take care to understand the nature of submission and be careful to understand your responsibilities in response to your wife's submission to you. A submissive wife is not a justification for an abusive husband. God commands men to love their wives with the same kind of love that he [God] gave to his people ... that's a pretty tough assignment to give a mortal man and it doesn't include the possibility of abuse.

Usually when I am asked to comment regarding the submission of wives, I find myself in a debate where somebody is trying to prove from scripture that women do not really have to submit to their husbands or obey them. In this article I will attempt to demonstrate the error in such thinking. The argument is not especially difficult but it does tend to focus on the negative side of life rather a lot and consequently doesn't make submission sound very desirable. So, before I get into the detailed passage-by-passage arguments I would like to try and explain why a wife who is submissive towards her husband is such a glorious and powerful component of an earthly family and of the Christian family at large. The Christian message is, after all, “good news” and hence a reason for delighted cheerfulness and joy, but in these focused theological debates it sometimes seems that the Christian life is all long faces and dour clothes and instructions towards restrictive behaviour.

A submissive wife is one whose heart is inclined towards satisfying her husband and who has made a choice to be led by her husband, to accept his authority and to be his helper in the broad biblical sense of that word. She does not seek to please her husband because she is afraid of his rebuke or rejection or punishment, but because she delights to please him and finds satisfaction in doing so.

For a man, a submissive wife is a pleasure to be around because she helps him to feel peaceful and contented, she is a reliable helper who can be depended upon. He can trust her with his deepest desires and fears because he is not afraid of her scorn or her rejection or her anger. He can relax with her because he knows that even when he makes mistakes, she will be working with him to put them right and minimize the consequences rather than using them to prove a point or as an excuse for rejecting him in some way. A man who has a submissive wife acquires a greater sense of self respect because he knows that she respects his authority in her life and she is not in any way trying to belittle him.

A submissive wife is one who makes a choice not to resist her husband's will. That is not to say that she cannot disagree with him or that she cannot express an opinion. Indeed the submissive wife is, by definition, a strong woman and will usually therefore have her own opinions and these may often be different to the opinions of her husband. Can she express them? Of course she can, and indeed it might often be wrong for her not to express them since she is, after all, supposed to be her husband's helper, not his slave or doormat. Expressing her opinions and giving advice and suggestions will often be a valuable part of the help that she gives her husband.

Let us see how this works in life by using an analogy of a road for life and junctions in the road for each of life's decision points of choices. The married man and woman set off walking along the road of life and at each junction they choose which road to take next. Sooner or later they will arrive at a junction where they each desire to take a different road and hence there is a disagreement:

In the disharmonious family there is a quarrel, there is cajoling or bullying, there is intimidation and bitter words. The quarrel might last for the rest of their lives with neither giving ground and thus they never move on or, finally, either the husband and wife continue along one road together with one of them feeling resentful and both of them feeling bruised and wary of the other, or if they could not even obtain an unpleasant agreement then the marriage might simply fall apart and they separate, each taking a different road. None of these outcomes is pleasant or desirable.

When a submissive woman finds that her wishes conflict with those of her husband she has little or nothing to fear. If her husband is respectful then they will discuss the matter together agreeable, frankly and cheerfully and through the discussion they might reach either a compromise or one of them might change their mind completely and accept the other person's wishes. If this happens then they can then continue along the road they have now agreed upon with no sense of bitterness and without having expressed any angry words. However agreement might not be reached so then what? If they cannot reach agreement then the submissive wife needs only to obey her husband and accept his wishes graciously. Having done this there are now only a few possible outcomes, all of which have positive aspects and none of which is particularly terrible. In the first possible outcome they will take the road the husband selects and, in due course they will discover that they have chosen a good route through life and both will be happy. In the second possible outcome they will take the road the husband selects but, in due course, they discover that it was not such a good choice after all. All they do is turn around, go back to the junction and take a different road; there has been no need for argument, nobody has felt disrespected or belittled and they have not bruised one another. Although the husband's choice turned out to be a bad one, they have discovered the mistake together, discovered it quickly, and swiftly got back onto a better road and, in the process, they have strengthened their bond by having been able to disagree with dignity and mutual respect. They are not stuck in a perpetual argument at the junction, they have not separated and the process of finding a mutually acceptable road has not weakened their marriage.

If the submissive woman has a husband who is not respectful and who is inclined to abuse her gift of submissive then still she has little to fear. The worst possible outcome is that they will travel a bad road together until the next junction. Although the road might be bad it is good to remember the positive aspects of the situation: They have still remained together, they have kept alive the possibility of improving their relationship as they make their way through the troubles of life, they have not wasted time and damaged one another in a bitter quarrel and they are not still standing at the junction locked in argument. They have moved on, and therefore given themselves the hope of another choice later. This, remember, is the worst possible outcome. Even with a selfish husband it is still possible that he will acknowledge that the road is bad and that they will turn back to take another route.

I have mentioned this example of a road journey to try and illustrate that submission can bring real and worthwhile benefits to a marriage. The scripture also indicates that the act of submission by a woman is able to influence a bad man to change his ways but even if he doesn't change, her choice of submission will still allow her to avoid the worst of the possible problems that a bad marriage and husband might bring.

The key text concerning the submission of wives to their husbands

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery -- but I am talking about Christ and the church.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Taken from Paul's letter to the congregation at Ephesus, chapter 5, verses 22 to 33.

Submission in the Christian world

Submission of one person to another is described in various forms in the Christian faith. There is the submission of wives to husbands, of slaves to masters, of Christians to one another, of Christians to the ruling authorities, and Christians to God. If my own experience is anything to rely on, then it seems that we Christians do not much like the idea of submission and, if we think about it at all, then we do so on order to reduce its application to our day to day lives. In this document I hope to redress the balance slightly.

We don't really like the idea though ...

In the “Western World” of the twenty-first century, the form of submission that is perhaps most frequently contested is that of wives to husbands. It has been pointed out on several occasions and by various people that the scriptures do not say that wives are to obey their husbands — only that they are to submit to them. Now, each of the clauses in the preceding sentence is true; the problem comes with the word “only” that is used to connect the two clauses. The women (and many men) who want to limit the authority of a husband over his wife are seriously mistaken if they think that a husband can expect less compliance from a submissive wife than from an obedient one; the truth is quite the reverse. Obedience is easy. Submission is hard. Obedience demands little. Submission demands much. It is not possible for a wife to submit to her husband without also being prepared to obey him; a submissive wife is also an obedient wife.

The meanings of the words "submit" and "obey"

If I obey then I do what those who have authority over me tell me to do. There must be an explicit command given before I can obey it and consequently if no command is given then it is not possible for me to be either obedient or disobedient. Obedience does not of itself require me to be cheerful, willing, co-operative or contented. I can be surly, rude, bitter and unhelpful and still be obedient. I do not have to be willing to be merely obedient because mere obedience can be forced upon me. For these reasons, obedience is easy when compared to full submission.

In order to submit to a person who has authority over me, I do not need to wait for an explicit command but instead I can attempt to anticipate the commands and thus avoid the need for them to be given. Anticipating the commands does not mean that I can substitute my own agenda or my own will but rather that I am trying to imagine what the person in authority will want me to do next; I am trying to make my will conform to theirs. Attempting to anticipate the commands does not allow me to disobey any command that has been explicitly given — those I am still required to obey. If I am to be truly submissive I must also learn to be contented, cheerful, willing and co-operative even if I do not like doing what is required of me. Finally submission is a choice that I must continuously make. It can be seen therefore that submission is far more demanding than merely obedience and requires much more of me than does mere obedience.

It is also worth repeating that submission is NEVER enforced upon a person. Submission is the opposite of oppression. In fact submission is a gift that one person gives to another. In a marriage, submission is the wife's gift to her husband. If the husband is wise he will treasure that gift and handle it very carefully because his own happiness depends on it. Submission is a gift that must be renewed each day or even each moment.

Trying to wriggle out of the obligation to obey

It has been claimed that a wife need only obey her husband when her husband's will conforms to the will of God and that is right for a wife to disobey her husband when what he commands is wrong. At first sight this argument seems to be very reasonable but unfortunately it leads into chaos and emptiness and also leaves the wives in a very cruel “no-win” situation. It is true that all husbands are fallen and sinful and it follows that they will make mistakes and that they might desire and command what they ought not desire and command. It is also true, but more frequently overlooked, that all wives are fallen and sinful and it follows that they will make mistakes and that they might desire what they ought not desire. God knew both of these facts when he arranged for scripture to be written and yet he still gave wives the instruction to submit to their husbands. He knew that husbands would wield the authority that he gave them imperfectly and he knew that wives would respond to that authority imperfectly. It is a terrible wrong for husbands to abuse their authority but it is no less terribly wrong for wives to reject or usurp their husband's authority.

Some of the people who claim that wives have the right to selectively submit to their husbands have put much emphasis on three New Testament passages - Acts 5:1-10, Acts 4:19 (and a similar passage in Acts 5:29) and Ephesians 5:21. It is worth looking at these to see what they add to the debate.

A passage to consider: Acts 5, v1-10

The first passage concerns Ananias and his wife Sapphira who sold a field, brought the money to the Apostles feet and were promptly struck dead. It has been said that this proves that a wife who does something sinful because her husband commanded it, will be punished by God and that therefore it is right for a wife to obey her husband only when she thinks his will is in accordance with God's will. The fact that anyone can draw such a conclusion from this passage reveals only how desperate they are to avoid having to admit that wives must obey their husbands. Even a simple reading of the passage will show quite clearly that Ananias and Sapphira were in the deceit together. There is nothing at all in the passage to suggest that Sapphira was ordered to do something that she thought wrong; indeed there is nothing to suggest that she was ordered at all. Verse 2 reads as follows:

“But with his wife's agreement he kept part of the money for himself ...” Verse 2 as presented in the Good News Bible.

“And with his wife's knowledge and connivance he kept back and wrongfully appropriated some of the proceeds ...” Verse 2 as presented in the Amplified Bible

It is very clear, then, that Sapphira was not forced by her errant husband to do something that she did not wish to do; she was not obeying an order that she thought wrong but rather she was aiding and abetting a plan of which she approved. We cannot conclude from the story that Sapphira was an innocent and unwilling partner in wrongdoing and, consequently, this passage is irrelevant to the present discussion.

A second passage to consider: Acts 4 verse 19

This passage concerns the instructions given by the Sanhedrin to Peter and John, and the reply, repeated below, that was given by the disciples:

“You yourselves judge which is right in God's sight — to obey you or to obey God.” From the Good News Bible (the text is identical in the Amplified Bible)

Let us first state an obvious but important point: This is not a conflict between a husband and a wife but between two groups of male Jews. The relationship between the parties is therefore very different to that between a husband and a wife [footnote 1]. We also need to ask whether the Sanhedrin had any authority over Peter and John. Both parties were claiming to represent God — but which of them had the better claim? The two disciples had received their commission personally and physically from the mouth of Jesus himself. Jesus came to set aside the old religious order and to establish a new one in which the role of the Sanhedrin (assuming it had ever had any role in God's sight) was to be diminished. This by itself gives strong reason for believing that the Sanhedrin did not have any authority over Peter and John however the words that the disciples used are perhaps more significant; they did not simply refuse to obey the Sanhedrin (though they implied that they were going to) rather they threw the whole command back at the Sanhedrin by telling the Sanhedrin members “judge for yourselves” and thereby questioned the Sanhedrin's authority to issue the order at all. Implicit in the disciples' response is the notion that the Sanhedrin knew, or at least ought to have known, that it was acting beyond its powers. In a modern setting the disciples might have said “If you stop and think for one moment you will realize that your own laws and rules prohibit you from giving this order.”

Also it is worth remembering that when this conversation took place Jerusalem was within the Roman empire; the final authority was not the Sanhedrin but the Roman governor and the Romans did allow a certain amount of religious freedom.

For the reasons given above this passage does not give any support to the notion that wives should only selectively obey their husbands.

The third passage to consider: Ephesians 5:21

The third passage “Submit to one another because of your reverence for Christ” is apparently given to believers in general. Consequently the form of submission referred to in this text is slightly different to that spoken of in other texts. Because this command applies to all relationships (including those between equals) it is not feasible for it to always imply unconditional or automatic obedience. Obedience to one another cannot be forced on equals since it would be impossible to know who should obey who! The other aspects of submission remain valid however. Thus although this passage does show that obedience is not always a part of submission it does not give occasion for wives to disobey their husbands because a husband and wife are not equal in role or function.

Very important side note: The inequality of role and function for a husband and a wife are biologically obvious but this does not imply inequality in value. The desire and tendency to award a value to everything is itself a symptom of our very fallen nature. Personally I would rate a wife as one of the most valuable assets in the universe and the bible lends much support to the notion that having a wife is something that a man ought to treasure and value highly.

It can be seen therefore these passages do not by themselves give a wife any grounds for disobeying her husband. To know whether there are times when a wife can legitimately disobey her husband it is necessary to look directly at the nature of sin.

The nature of sin

Without going into all the arguments and texts, the New Testament teaches that sin is, in part, the doing of what you believe to be wrong; Paul in his teachings uses the example of food. Thus if you believe that it is morally wrong for you to eat a particular food — cabbage for instance — then you sin every time you eat cabbage even though God has not prohibited the eating of cabbage. It is your belief that condemns you. Consequently if a wife really believes that it would be morally wrong to obey her husband then she will sin by obeying him and she should therefore disobey him. However, this is a very uncomfortable, unloving and unbiblical position ...

A very unkind “No-win” situation

If we say that a wife can choose whether or not to obey her husband then we will often place her in a very difficult position. If she disobeys her husband in order to supposedly obey God then she has automatically disobeyed God. This means that whatever she does will be wrong and this seems to me to be an extremely unloving and burdensome position to put anyone into. God's instructions that a wife should obey her husband are far kinder and more loving because she can always obey God by obeying her husband. If her husband tells her to do something that God disapproves of then it is her husband (not her) who will have to give an account of it to God. The woman cannot be held accountable for the matter because her responsibility (the bit that God willask her to account for) is to obey her husband.

An obedient wife does right even when she does wrong...

If the married woman believes that is more important to obey God by submitting to and obeying her husband then she can do this with complete confidence. Sarah obeyed Abraham and went to live with both the king of Egypt [Footnote 2] and with Abimelech the king of Gerar [Footnote 3]. There is no indication that Sarah was held responsible by God or made to suffer for these events even though God was offended by them. Now, keeping these two events in mind, let us see what the Apostle Peter wrote on the subject of submission of wives to husbands:

In the same way [Footnote 4] you wives must submit to your husbands, so that if any of them do not believe God's word, your conduct will win them over to believe. It will not be necessary for you to say a word, because they will see how pure and reverent your conduct is. You should not use outward aids to make yourself beautiful such as the way you do your hair, or the jewellery you put on, or the dresses you wear. Instead your beauty should consist of your true inner self, the ageless beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of the greatest value in God's sight. For the devout women of the past who placed their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful by submitting to their husbands. Sarah was like that; she obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are now her daughters if you do good and are not afraid of anything.

1 Peter 3:1-7 Good News Bible

So Sarah, the woman who obeyed her husband even when what he told her to do was morally wrong, is held up as an example of how Christian wives should be. Christian women married to non-Christian men are told to submit to them and, by implication, obey them. It is almost inconceivable (to me at least) that Peter should be incapable of imagining the possible conflicts of morality between a believing wife and an unbelieving husband but nonetheless Peter doesn't make any special provision for such a situation. Yet even in the same passage Peter tells wives that they are to “do good”. At first glance this seems grossly unfair; the wife is to obey her husband even when what he tells her to do is wrong, yet she is also to “do good”. This apparent paradox is easily removed if we remember that a person can only be held responsible for sin when they have a free choice in the matter. If Peter is assuming that the wife has no choice except to obey her husband then he is also assuming that she cannot sin in what she obediently does. In such circumstances, her only possible sin is that of disobeying her husband. Notice also that Peter describes this sort of conduct as being of “the greatest value in God's sight”. In other words, this is what God expects and desires from a married woman and it is not the same as what he expects and desires from a married man.

A wife's obedience to a misguided, errant or ungodly husband does not mean that any harmful consequences of his wrong actions will be avoided, but this should not concern a Christian (man or woman, in this or any similar situation) too much. Our obedience leaves room (a) for us to grow individually in the fruits of the spirit and (b) for God to act miraculously:


A couple of examples of men obeying God by submitting to sinful men

Jesus obeyed his father, was arrested illegally, tried unfairly, judged wrongly, executed without having committed a crime, suffered horribly and died. His obedience provided the means by which we are saved.

Paul of Tarsus was also treated unfairly and wrongly and he also endured great physical suffering (read 2 Corinthians 11:23-31 for Paul's own description of his troubles). Nonetheless Paul did not seek to oppose the Governing authorities by forbidden means but instead entrusted his case to the one who always judges fairly. His obedience allowed the Gospel to be spread to the entire world.

We as mere mortals are not expected to understand all of what is happening in the world around us [Footnote 5]. We cannot see what God will do one second into the future and we are only rarely aware of what he did one second in the past. We are only capable of living moment by moment and it is in the present moment that we must obey — trusting always in God's promise that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord (Romans 8).

Where did love go?

I would be surprised if some readers were not by now asking what has happened to the God of love and remarking that all of this seems a little harsh. To such a charge I would reply that in some ways it is very harsh. We are called to be obedient unto death. God has provided a moral law that is totally unyielding. We do not judge the moral law — it is the standard against which we are judged. If there are mitigating circumstances surrounding my failure to reach the required standard then our God, who is just, will know them and take them into account. The fact that I cannot attain the required standard on the occasions when there are no mitigating circumstances is precisely why the Son of God had to be crucified on my behalf: That is how harsh the moral law of God is and how loving and merciful our God is — it his by his law that we are condemned and by his grace and sacrifice that we are saved. Love does not set aside the requirement for obedience but on the cross at Calvary love does deal with the consequences of disobedience.

However, near the beginning of this discussion I gave an example of a husband and wife taking a journey through life and I tried to demonstrate that, in fact, where a wife has a submissive attitude and is therefore willing to obey her husband, the outcome can never be as bad as worst that can happen where there is no obedience or submission. The requirement for a woman to submit to her husband and to obey him is harsh in the sense that it is not optional but it is the harshness imposed by a loving God who knows that this strict approach will always avoid the worst of the possible outcomes and always provide the possibilities for a couple to grow together, mature, gain wisdom and learn to love one another more effectively.

The alternative, if you recall in my example, was that the couple might find themselves trudging together with bitterness and resentment, might be stuck at the same junction indefinitely and locked in unproductive argument, or they might simply separate altogether. The path of submission and attendant obedience is something our loving God has ordained for us so that we can enjoy marriage even with conflicts and disagreements. The requirement for wives to be submissive and obedient seems harsh to those who have not understood the concepts, who have not understood its rich benefits to both husband and wife, and who have not recognized the awfulness of the alternatives.

A summary reminder: What is submission?

As already mentioned, submission is a gift that one person gives to another. Now I would like to briefly reiterate and expand upon some misconceptions about a submissive person.

Misconception: A submissive person is weak.

This is very wrong. In fact a very weak person cannot submit. Only a very strong person can submit fully. Remember, submission is a gift that must be given freely. It is impossible to force a person to submit because that is a contradiction in terms. A weak person can be manipulated and forced to obey but then that is no longer submission but oppression.

Misconception: A submissive person has no control.

Actually nobody is every fully in control of their own lives because nobody can control all of their circumstances. Submission is an act of the will; a submissive person makes a positive choice to submit to another person. Consequently a submissive person has at least as much in control as any other person, possibly more since many people never make definite positive choices but merely drift from one excuse to another.

Misconception: Submission is degrading.

In fact submission is a very beautiful and enormously valuable gift that only a strong person can give. Nobody is degraded by giving, or wanting to give, beautiful and valuable gifts to another person. Submission is a gift that benefits the giver even if the receiver is incapable of treating the gift and the giver with the appropriate respect and care.

Misconception: A submissive person is abused.

Well, it is true that a submissive person could be abused by a stupid person who does not appreciate the value of the gift. However, anybody can be abused, submissive or not, so this irrelevant.

The complete article can be read here.
http://www.reason4living.com/articles/totw0041.htm

 

Why aTIH should ask for a Spanking

This is a special request. JasonsGirl's people are talking to Bob's people on signing a long term multi billion dollar contract on posting together for the next couple of months or more but we need your help.

What topics would you like to hear us debate about?

The only stipulation is that it has to be SSC DD related. So if you have a question that you would like us to answer please drop us a line and we will consider all questions.
 

JasonsGirl from Taming ot the Shrew and I are collaborating on doing another post and it is about why is it so hard for the sub to ask the HOH what she needs and wants. JasonsGirl is taking the defense of you girls and you will get a well-written post on why you do what you do but I am speaking from the HOH point of view, the right view because I am the HOH, I am bias that way.

I will use Bobbie and I as the example. The picture that I have running through my head is Bobbie wanting a more structured lifestyle. I will say she wants more spankings, LOL, (yes I know, I can dream can’t I?) than she does now. So instead of coming to me and asking me that she wants more spankings, she just thinks about it, sits there and stews about it. Days go by and still no release from her wants and of course, I am probably oblivious to the whole situation and the problem festers until it erupts in the face of poor unsuspecting me.

Now I am on the defensive because I don’t know why she has lashed out the way she did so words are said, we argue and in the end she gets the spanking that she wanted but feels bad because she had to pick a fight to get it and the reasons go on and on. Yes, I can see you smiling because it probably happened to you a time or two.

I am going to go right to the heart of the problem, no sugar coating because you would want it this way. My answer is, “why in the heck didn’t Bobbie just ask for it.” She could have said “Bob I am off center and I think that a spanking would reset my compass. Would you please help me?” or any other scenarios that you would rather insert in that little saying.

Now I know the tih’s out there are gasping and saying, “but it’s embarrassing to ask my husband for it. It feels like I am taking control from him, that he is no longer leading by me telling him what I want or I am topping from the bottom." And the number one answer that I hear from you gals is... You should know what we want and need.

These are all good answers except the last one that still confuses me. However, in reality it doesn’t hold much weight. Let us look at the answers together and you are going to get a glimpse into this HOH’s mind so here we go. 


I am taking control from him: How can you possibly be taking control from him by asking your husband what you want. You are taking responsibility for your actions. You see a problem arising and you are taking control of your actions by notifying your man there is a problem with you. You are off center and you need his help to fix it. By not asking him that you need help is the problem. You could have eliminated the arguing, the distance that has now been created and having a harsher spanking if you would have just asked for it in the first place.
Topping from the bottom was talked about in my previous post so read that Here. Briefly, how can it be topping from the bottom if you are asking your husband for help with your needs or wants at that time as long as you ask and not demand it. It is still up to him to decide if he is going to grant your request or not.

Now I saved this one for last because I like this one bunches. It is embarrassing. Well sweetheart yes it could be but to tell you the truth that is when I love Bobbie the most. Not because she is embarrassed but because of all the emotions and expressions running through her facial expressions. When she is asking for what she wants, looking at her face like that, how can a HOH refuse the request because she is truly showing her submission by baring herself to you by asking you for help no matter how embarrassing it may seem. I think that one of the most important things that you as a tih wife can do is ask him for his help in whatever it may be whether it be a spanking or help with some struggle that you have. You are feeding his dominance. You are building up his confidence by making him part of the team instead of being the enforcer always watching, waiting to catch you doing something or waiting for the hammer to drop only to find that the problem could have been resolved much quicker and earlier.

You are also keeping the communication lines open. Feeding him information he may need to make decisions down the road that may affect the family. Is this a fix all so that there will peace and harmony in the family? Nope I am not even going to suggest that. But I do know that, being a HOH, it sure does help to know where the pitfalls may be and sometimes making wise decisions to help the family through some hard times.


Bob

How To Repair Trust

JasonsGirl and I had so much fun doing topping from the bottom that we decided to do it again. This time we are doing What to do When the Offending Partner Broke the Sacred Vow of Trust. JasonsGirl from  The Taming of tThe Shrew wrote about the tih view and I am taking the HOH view.

First, I think it's a good idea to remember that "trust" is not a tangible object rather just an idea (that feels very "real"). I think that my idea of someone breaking trust is going to be different from yours because of our different interactions in life.

I am not going to get into what he did wrong or if DD should be put on hold until the problem is resolved that is beyond the purpose of this post. That decision will have to be up to the two of you to continue or not.

I think that most people work hard to be trustworthy. There aren’t too many people that I know who wake up in the morning, roll out of bed and say to themselves, “Hmmm…I think I’ll try to break someone’s trust today!” Yet even in spite of our best intentions, there will be times when we damage the level of trust in our relationships. Sometimes it is due to our own stupidity when we make choices that we know are wrong or hurtful to others. Other times we unknowingly erode trust by engaging in behaviors that others interpret as untrustworthy. Regardless of how it happens, breaking trust in a relationship is a serious matter.

   Here are some ways to rebuild trust

Acknowledge that trust has been broken. Don’t pretend that it didn’t happen and stop saying it was someone elses fault because the longer you wait the more likely it is that they will think that you are truly untrustworthy. The faster you admit that you messed up the faster you can repair it.


Admit your role in causing the breach of trust. For some people this may be a hard thing to do. It’s one thing to say you have created this problem; it’s a whole another story to admit you caused it. Our ego and false pride are usually what prevent us from admitting our mistakes. Put your big boy pants on and take ownership of what you have done. When people hear this they will respect you because you are saying it is your fault. This will pay huge dividends down the road as you work to rebuild trust.


Apologize for what happened. When you apologize for your mistake be sincere and do not make excuses on why it happened. They don’t care why it happened. They only care that you broke their trust so stand tall and admit your faults. Ask for forgiveness and tell them your plan to correct the problem, how you are going to make amends to the damaged party.


Assess where the breakdown in trust happened. Tell the person that you hurt that you have identified the area of where you broke that trust. Then tell them how you are going to fix it so that it won’t happen again.


Amend the situation by taking corrective action to repair any damage that has been done, and create an action plan for how you will improve in the future. Your attempts at rebuilding trust will be stalled unless you take this critical step to demonstrate noticeable changes in behavior.


You cannot control the outcome of this process and there is no guarantee that following these steps will restore trust in the relationship. However, the important thing is that you have made the effort to improve yourself. You’ll be able to lay your head on the pillow at night with a clear conscience that you’ve done everything under your power to cultivate the soil for trust to once again grow and flourish.

You have a long road ahead of you in proving that you have made amends. Remember that it will take a lot of time to repair the damage that you have done. Be patient with her.  If she doubts you at some point along the way. Hopefully your relationship will be stronger after the repairs are in place.

Lost My Mojo

I can’t believe it, here I was minding my own business and things were going pretty smoothly since we have gotten back on the righteous path of DD living and we were cruising along, well at least I was cruising along. Two days a week I was spanking Bobbie and if I got lucky and we were downstairs, it was even more, it was like a bonus round in some arcade shooting game and to tell you the truth, I was a very happy camper because what could be better than smacking that booty hearing her yelp with both hands waving behind her trying to protect her backside as she tries to get away and as you all know I am a certified card carrying member of the spanko club.

All you spanko’s know what I am talking about. Either you are giving or receiving a spanking when it is happening, Mama and Papa is just downright giddy never been happier. Well, heck I was so happy, I would even go downstairs help her get the clothes out of the dryer and even help fold them. Although there were a lot of accidental (never on purpose) dropping of the clothes on my part and me smacking that butt when she went to bend down and pick them up. Just hearing those word from Bobbie saying "ouch, stop that, Bob I mean it..." Eventually after 4 weeks of that she finely caught on to what I was doing . You see Bobbie is short no more than 5’8” in 6” heels and when she stretches over to get the clothes out of the washer, she has that perfect 90 degree bend, half over the edge and the other half inside the washer trying to get the cloths out of the washer (do I have to tell you what happened?) You guessed it she was spanked, beginning to see a pattern here? Whenever and wherever the opportunity presented itself, Bobbie got a smack or two maybe if I was fast enough three or four times before she could get away.

Then something strange happened. A week ago we had some “US” time scheduled, FIL was gone because we gave him a quarter to go buy some bubble gum. (Remember your parents doing that to you when you were a kid) While he was off walking with his little 4-wheel walker decked out with the streamers on the handle bars, flames on the side of the pipes and a horn to beep annoyingly at the people he passes to the corner store, we finally were going to have some time to ourselves.

After we waved goodbye to Walter (he looks like Jeff Dunham’s puppet) and telling him not to talk to or take candy from strangers, Bobbie headed back to the bedroom, while I was taking the dogs off our bed so we could use it. After dragging the dead weight out of the bedroom, I was ready to pay special attention to Bobbie’s greatest ASSet, she was lying on the bed with her cloths on, and not being in any hurry I went and laid down next to her.

We were talking about “US”, cracking jokes, cuddling each other, we did this for an hour and for that hour that we were alone, I never once had the urge to spank her, I mean what was up with that? I never had that happen to me ever. I was dumbfounded I quickly did a check of my vital signs to see if there was something wrong, took my temperature, even checked my hands to make sure they were there, looked in the mirror and stuck my tongue out to see if it was green or something.

Everything was fine, I was expecting the spanko police to come through the door any moment to demand me to turn in my spanko membership card so I ran to the closet and hanging on the wall was the In Case of Emergency HOH Hand Guidebook. I took the little wooden paddle that is chained to the box and broke the glass on the door. I took the book and with shaking hands, sat down on the bed, opened the book and under section 1.1.1. I read the fine print, it said, “Sometimes it is just OK to stop and reflect on what you have and cuddle the person lying next to you and thank her for the greatest gift she could give you, her submission

Therefore, I guess I didn’t lose my mojo after all I am still a spanko and not only am I a spanko but an appreciative spanko at that.

Bob

 

Topping From the Bottom

This is one of those topics that will always be talked and debated about in blogland, the purpose of this post is not to prove the rights or wrongs of topping from the bottom but to entertain you and maybe show you a thing or two that you might not have thought of. Cammie from The Taming of the Shrew here and I are going to take opposite sides of the topic. Cammie, will write about the dark side of why you shouldn’t top from the bottom and I am going to write about the lighter side of why topping from the bottom is ok if used properly.

When we hear the phrase, topping from the bottom we automatically think of the sub manipulating the HOH behind the scene, telling him how to act and how she wants things done to her. This type of practice is shunned and discouraged in the DD D/s community, and it should be if done disrespectfully. Often times, with the novice tih, they assume that showing any sort of desire for something not suggested by the HOH would be topping from the bottom. However, is there ever a time that topping from the bottom could be used for good?

Let me ask you this, is having desires and asking your husband in a respectful manner to be fulfilled topping from the bottom? She is being an active partner in their relationship by asking her husband to try some thing new. If she requests to play, for example, she is feeding his dominant desires by giving him a chance to be Dominant. As long as you let him decide whether he will play, when to play and so forth. You will be driving him to be more dominant and it will give you an opportunity to enhance your submission in the process. What more could you ask for?

Can topping from the bottom feed his Dominance?

You can feed your partner’s Dominance by giving him opportunities to exert more control. You can try a new play activity or just because it has been awhile and you need some attention, you give them the fuel they need to be Dominant. Just as you have probably heard the saying, “you can’t submit in a vacuum” the same holds true for Dominance. They need to be given choices that may not be obvious to them to take control, and when that happens we will both reap the benefits.

What kind of things feed his Dominance while topping from the bottom?

Approach them with something you have learned about and are curious to try with them.
Discuss an article or thread that you find interesting and ask what you can do to apply x,y and z to your own life.
Share a struggle you are having with your submission and ask if there is anything they can do to help.
Set aside time to talk about your concerns with the relationship, or new needs/wants that have come to the surface.

When is it ok to top from the bottom?

When you and your husband are just starting out, things can be a little confusing for both of you. A new HOH may have no idea how hard or how long to spank her or how she will react to different sensations. She could suggest that she show him how to spank her, (with her butt of course) where to strike and not strike her, what implement to use and how they affect her.

As a tih you may want to give them some direction as they might not know your body as well as you might want them to. Of course giving those suggestions in a begging, pleading, respectful, and courteous way might help your cause to convince your new HOH to take your suggestion.

Topping from the bottom might also be necessary when the bottom has physical issues or psychological issues that need to be carefully monitored.

You can be a submissive and still have desires. Your HOH has a right to know what they are. Even if you have 5, 10, 20 years experience that doesn’t mean they already know them. New desires happen every single day. You should be sharing them and openly inviting them to explore them with you.

Some people might not consider these examples as topping from the bottom but just open communication between a Dom and a sub. However, others might consider these examples an extreme offense and refuse to play. This is why it is so important to find a partner whose ideas mesh well with yours. Also discussing proper ways to communicate before can help to eliminate any miscommunication about topping from the bottom.

Bob

 
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Games 2

As of those who spend the time to get to know me will find out one of the many games I like to play are mind games, not the kind to hurt people but the kind that you can of game that you can truly learn about the person you are talking to. I play this game with Bobbie a lot

The first rime I did  this to Bobbie was at a restaurant and while we were waiting for our food, we were just staring at each other with nothing to say, so we sat and looked up at the ceiling, floor, and glass of water even the people around us any where but at each other.

I was flabbergasted I have been with this woman for 35 maybe 37 or was it 50 years. In addition, I had nothing to say to her (When Bobbie reads this she is going to have a field day) and she did not have anything to say to me (and you thought I was going to take the blame LOL). Therefore, I started to play a Jedi mind game with her (my picture is Darth Vader after all), I asked her to tell me something new about her that I did not know before. She groaned and gave me one of her patented looks “ARE YOU NUTS?”

I told her to humor me and just to play along, she started to sputter out some things about herself, and I kept telling her I know that and that too, then she started to think about the question I had asked her and then she came up with a few things that I wasn’t aware of about her. Then I popped more questions, what are some of your short and long-term goals? Your fears, hopes, and dreams, she was able to tell me something new about them all and then the evil wench, I mean the most wonderful Angel that she is, turned the tables on me and said OK smarty-pants answer your own questions.  I looked at her in mock shock and I pulled up my big boy pants and sputtered out some things like those that Bobbie did and I told her a few things that surprised her. I don’t know if it was fear or amazement on her face but I actually stunned her

The main reason I started to play this type of mind game was not to make Bobbie squirm in her seat (well that is part of it) but I realized that we had become too comfortable with each other and that is not a bad thing but the problem was we were getting stagnant, not talking to each other and we were not growing together. We were ever so slowly starting to drift away along the suttle current of the river called life, both of us were going into our own little world, and that is when the walls start to go up.

Since we all know that it takes a lot of time and effort when walls are up (and a lot of spanking), I decided to play it smart and move the bricks around while the wall is being built so it can become our wall (with a lot of doors) and not just my wall.

Bob