Tuesday, September 17, 2013
My Feeling About Discipline Spankings
Mona Lisa asked if I could write about my view of why discipline spankings make me depressed. Is the depression connected directly to punishment or the pain.
Why spankings depress me
I don’t like discipline spankings because even though the punishment is not harsh or above and beyond by tolerance I still cry. When I cry I get very depressed. I feel like the world has left me. Like he doesn’t love me. The crying does not make me feel better. That is not the release I need. It makes me feel down and gives me the wrong impression about myself. I feel worthless, like I am a child, or a down trodden person, I am beneath him, he is better than I. All throughout school I always thought so little of myself. I had no confidence in myself. That I could do something, I was small in school and I was also shy. So I always stayed in the background. When I was out of school is when I realized that I did have something to offer the world. I was good at my job and I was good at taking care of bob.
It confuses the hell out of Bob. He doesn’t understand why I can have my electronics and my reading time taken away from me but the above things bug the hell out of me. Not that it doesn’t bother me, but it doesn’t have the same side effects.
I guess maybe it is because it isn’t a physical pain or a demeaning form of punishment. It is more of a mental pain or a restriction of time that I could be doing something that I really want.
On the other hand when it comes to good girl spankings I sure don’t have a problem with that! I consider them fun and uplifting. Now good girl spankings are a stress reliever for me. If I have had an especially crazy day or am even meaner than a junk yard dog, it helps me to unwind and take a deep breath and release everything that is pent up inside of me.
Although it seems that he hits just as hard, it is not a constant attack on my behind or my mental state.
I am still working towards being able to accept both and telling the difference and not mixing the two together.
Bobbie
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I am fairly certain I'm the same way. I say fairly certain because we don't practice DD, and that's the reason why-- I think it would depress me. One time we had a somewhat playful punishment, but it was for something my husband was actually upset about and I couldn't shake the feeling of depression/failure after. I think I'm hard enough on myself without adding to it.
ReplyDeleteYep Renee it took us a long time for me to convey to bob the way this made me feel. It had read so many things that he thought it had to be a specific way. But as we both have learned it is what works for each couple. And for him to take away my technology is enough to make be good!
DeleteHi Bobbie,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear from you :) thank you for sharing this.
We do practice punishment spankings and for me it doesn't make me feel diminished in any way. In fact, if anything it makes me feel more cared for because it shows me that it matters to him. That he is taking the time to take care of me/us. I don't like the spanking itself, but I like the connection it gives us and the fact that the issue has been resolved and I do get the release I need. The aftercare is vital to me. Without it I think I would feel much the same as you.
Spanking as punishment of course does not work for all couples and we all need to find what works for us. I'm so glad Bob understands your feelings and that you have found what works for you as a couple ... and that you get spanking action for fun :)
Hugs,
Roz
thanks Roz. You are absolutely right though. It is what works for each couple. I am glad to hear that it gives you the security and the connection that you need. And you bet I like the spankings for fun. That is when I feel the reconnection with us. When we have the us time.
DeleteThank you Bobbie for fine description of your feelings about punishment spanking.
ReplyDelete(I did not know I had a twin sister .. lol ..)
I do not live in DD and will never do it and mostly because it is as you described due punishment. In my eyes, CP is wrong no matter who and where you use it.
There are other methods that are better to change the bad habits. Positive methods.
I think those feelings you have are those that they vast majority of women in the world have. You are not alone, Bobbie.
Be who you are.
Kudos to Bob to talk about it, write about it and accept it.
(If he wants to change something, tell me, Bobbie, I will swim across the channel and can exercise a little "Rouge" on him .. lol ....)
LOL. I always enjoy reading your comments Mona Lisa. You always put a smile on my face. And just between you and me. Bob is nothing but a big teddy bear. He would never hurt me. He does like the spanking part but that is only for good girl spankings. Yes I must confess I do like those. But bob has always been there for me positively. He is the one who helped build up my confidence and showed me that being in a dd lifestyle does not in one way make me lose my individuality but enhances me as a woman. The reason we use the dd lifestyle is to focus on the two of us. It is us not me or I. And anytime you have a question Mona Lisa please feel free to ask away sweetie.
DeleteHi Bobbie, I'm not in a DD relationship and though we play at discipline it isn't real punishment. The reasons - very similar to your own. I would come away feeling very negative, scared and loose confidence in myself. For me spanking is an erotic activity which is about connecting and pleasure. I should feel released afterwards not upset. However, I do understand those who see it as a tool in their own relationship for whatever reason and that it is done without anger. It just would never be us.
ReplyDeleteDelfonte our thoughts and feelings are indeed alike. I do enjoy those good girl spankings though and if he ever stopped them I don't think I would like him very much. Just kidding. I'll keep him no matter what. He is nothing but a big teddy bear by the way.
DeleteHi Bobbie,
ReplyDeleteWe do use punishment spanking in our DD relationship. For me, it's all about the after care. I hate the spanking because it does hurt but combined with after care, I feel protected and safe. I'm glad that you and Bob know what works best for you because we all know that this lifestyle is not a "one size fit all".
Kim
Hi R&K. I know that for a lot of people the punishment spanking is what make them connect. And yes the after care is very important. But give me the good girl spankings any day and he will have me eating out of his hand. LOL
DeleteIt is great to hear from you, Bobbie. I hate a punishment spanking too, and I can feel quite overwhelmed by them, but when the Duke takes me into his arms afterwards and just loves on me, that is when everything is right again. I am sorry that these spankings make you depressed. I hope that you and Bob can keep talking through them and finding out what will work best for both of you when it comes to correction. And thank you so much for sharing. It's great getting to know our bloggers' spouses. :)
ReplyDeleteOh yes we have talked Es May and we have found that taking away my reading time, and modern technology works all too well. We do not use spankings for punishment any more only for good girl spankings and it is what we use to connect. When spankings are used for good girl that is when I feel loved and taken care of.
DeleteNice to hear from you bobbie! It's a tough thing to accept both/learn the difference, etc, but it seems like you're open and working on it, so good for you! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Kenzie. It has taken us awhile but this lifestyle has made us focus on us as a team rather than making decisions about our lives individually. In other words of course he has made us much, much closer.
Deletehi bobbie :) great topic.
ReplyDeletei live in a dd relationship for the most part, but there's no punishment here. i don't do lines and i certainly don't get my things taken away from me. the spankings i get help my mind ease, take a load off, cause me to not be so touchy and relax. i cry much of the time when i get spanked, but in the beginning it was difficult for me to "let go" and get to that point. not anymore. my husband has come to recognize when i'm close and push me to that edge, without making me feel as though he's angry with me and in trouble. he holds me when it's over and nine out of ten times we make love after. it's a complete circle of love from beginning to end. sometimes he doesn't quite "get" that this is what i need but he's no longer questioning me and knows what to do to get me out of my shell and empty whatever's in my head that's causing me to be chaotic. lol
that's just my take tho. i love dd. it makes my life so easy. if you're feeling depressed or worse, unloved, maybe you need to talk to bob about this and see what can be done to fix or help the situation.
hugs to you,
m.
Thanks for writing your thoughts on this Maryanne. And yes we have talked about this and we only use spankings for good girl spankings, stress relief but never, never take it as far as tears. But we are enjoying what we do and still taking steps one at a times.
DeleteI've met a number of people over the years for whom disciplinary spanking has depressing negative connotations associated with feelings of being disliked, unloved and unworthy as a person. In some cases these feelings stemmed from identifiable factors like bad experiences in childhood, or in a previous relationship, in others there seemed to be no 'logical' explanation for these feelings at all. I suppose that the fact that you find other forms of discipline perfectly acceptable and loving is just one of the many paradoxes of TTWD.
ReplyDeleteMy feeling is that, so long as whatever path you choose in TTWD works for you and Bob and makes you feel mutually loved, you aren't getting very much "wrong".
Ros
Awwww Ros. Thanks for your input. Yes it does work for us and on the other hand I sure do enjoy the good girl spankings. And I am glad we have decided to keep it that way much, much more fun.
Delete> When I cry I get very depressed. I feel like the world has left me. Like he doesn’t love me. The crying does not make me feel better. That is not the release I need. It makes me feel down and gives me the wrong impression about myself. I feel worthless, like I am a child, or a down trodden person, I am beneath him, he is better than I. All throughout school I always thought so little of myself. I had no confidence in myself. That I could do something, I was small in school and I was also shy. So I always stayed in the background. When I was out of school is when I realized that I did have something to offer the world. I was good at my job and I was good at taking care of bob.
ReplyDeleteOMG Bobbie, I realize this was 4 years ago, and still my heart goes out to you.
(Continued)
ReplyDeleteDear Bobbie,
I don't know where you and Bob are with DD now, it looks like this blog has not been very active. I am going to say it as I would have if you wrote this today.
> I feel worthless, like I am a child, or a down trodden person, I am beneath him, he is better than I.
Red flag! The feelings you describe are absolutely not what a DD wife should EVER feel. Something's gone very, very wrong.
DD is all about consent. As in, "No means no, and don't ask again". You two are equals of course. Equal in worth, equal in goals, hopes and dreams. If anything, you are worth more, because this is all about YOU. You two start out as equals in power, until you decide to give away some of your power to Bob, hopefully because doing so helps you in your life in some way or another, and Bob agrees to take some of that power, hopefully in order to help you the way YOU asked to be helped.
At this point, you are unequal in power, granted, consensually so, and still equal in everything else. On some level, you are still equal even in power, given that you should feel completely free to reclaim all your power back whenever you want to in case TTWD does not feel nurturing or empowering, if it tears you down instead of building you up and makes you more stressed instead of calmer. Your power is still yours, you have not given it away for good, you've simply loaned it away in exchange for something else that's hopefully more important to you. What is it?
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you have at least some submissive tendencies, and Bob has HUGE dominant tendencies, and so you've exchanged a bit more power than you wanted to give, a little less than Bob wanted to receive. Bob explains it by you not being ready, because he's been dreaming about this from adolescence and you have not; but there is a reason why he did and you did not, right? Is it because you just are not all that into it? Maybe a little bit into it, but not nearly as much as him. And I am saying this as someone who's had submissive/spanking fantasies since preschool. So what makes Bob so sure you'll ever catch up? If you wanted to spank/dominate him instead, how long would it take him to catch up?
Your boundaries are very important to the success of DD. Any and all power exchange should come from YOU, from YOUR aspirations, YOUR kinks, YOUR needs for intimacy and healing. Yours, not his. He can of course veto any of your requests for dominance if they violate his boundaries or his hard limits; but for DD to work, he is not to push more dominance on you than you are ready to accept at the moment. Maybe just a bit more if he knows for a fact that you enjoy being pushed beyond your soft limits (some people are, but it's important to build trust that he won't push you too far, only then can you be relaxed in his arms). He is not to throw at you anything he knows you don't want to catch, unless it's a genuine soft limit of yours. And he needs to earn your trust that even as a HoH, he'll always respect your boundaries and your consent, and won't use his HoH status to expand your consent beyond where you need it to be for your own reasons, not his.
It may be a hard concept to grasp: you are the bottom, but it's all about YOU. The only power you give him, you give him purely because you want to, and only as long as you want to.
DD is all about consent. If you are shamed, guilted or otherwise pressured into giving away more of your power than what makes you happy and fulfilled at the moment, that may LOOK like consent to both of you, but that's not consent, that's what vanilla wives give abusive husbands.
ReplyDeleteNot implying that Bob is abusive. To the contrary, as an enthusiastic TiH with a very confused and reluctant HoH, I would have given a lot for my HoH to be as enthusiastic. But that's because I am very strong-willed and confident in vanilla life, hence my desire to come home and unload my power on some else's shoulder. If I was Bob's wife, I would have had no problem ASKING him to help me with my procrastination and weight loss problem, help me with building my career, workout, cleaning the house, treating him as respectfully as he treats me (I've got a big mouth), helping me travel more and spend more time in the wilderness, socialize more, and NOTHING ELSE. I would tell him exactly how I need to be spanked, how much aftercare I need (I am crazy in that I need two whooping days of aftercare, and for this reason I need to be spanked closer to the evening), what is the criteria for spanking (for instance, if today I weigh more than the three previous days, that's fine, but I am not allowed to eat anything until I weigh as little as yesterday, or else...). I negotiate with him how to treat me respectfully, so that the whole thing feels loving and dignified. Topping from the bottom? You betcha. (Bob wrote a nice article about that, and it looks like he would not mind). But if my top genuinely does not top the way I want him to, someone's got to put some sense in his head, ever so respectfully of course. (Assuming you want him to continue topping you, you need to keep his fragile ego up, right? :-)
And if I did not want or need help with any of the above, if I wanted to tackle all these challenges on my own? No matter how much dear hubby would plead and cajole, no matter how many decades he spent fantasizing about it, he could go top himself. These are MY boundaries, MY body and MY life. (And I am writing this sitting on a very hungry rear side that is practically ready to jump up to his hand in hope of getting even ONE sound spank, but alas..)
So, my advice? Take a long break. As long as you want. Maybe indefinite, if that's what you want. Agree that you'll end the break if and when you want. Agree that out of respect for you, he is never to mention it until you do. Then look into yourself and see what YOU want. What makes you happier, calmer, more confident, more loving, more intimate, more successful? What empowers you? What builds you up instead of tearing you down? Start small. Be precise. Suggest that. State your soft and hard limits. Agree that he is to accept it and never even hint about more, out of respect for you. That's how you two build trust, that's how you can feel respected, dignified and empowered, an adult and an equal while over his knee. If you do feel a bit of humiliation (more than you find erotic, because some people do find it erotic), make sure he really cherishes, pampers and worships you in the afterplay, to restore the balance between the two of you. Offer it as an "experiment". Reserve the right to end the experiment any day. Be in the driving seat. Be precise. Top from the bottom. Bob wrote that he likes it, right?
And look up Spencer's Spanking System if you have not already. Most people are not into this sort of thing, but worth at least knowing about. Personally, I am. Revenge, sweet revenge! :-)