Rambling

I have been visiting blogs, chat rooms and forums for some time now and I am amazed at how some people talk in the open media where everything you say is almost instantly saved, cataloged and almost immediately out there for the masses to see when they go on a rant on how their S/O isn't doing DD the way they think it should go.

Some of the information is entertaining, informative or just plain ole gossip so they can hear themselves talk. What is amazing to me is the way some people talk about things that I would consider disrespectful to their partners and friends be they Tops or bottoms.

Things I am hearing are “my husband just doesn’t get it after doing this for xxx amount of time” or “my wife all she does is (insert here) and it’s driving me crazy, I don’t think she cares about being submissive” and the list goes on and on.

First of all in defense of all these unhappy people that truly want this type of lifestyle and it just isn’t going the way you want it to, let me say that I totally understand your frustrations from dreaming about it then finally getting the green light to go forward.

 Now you are thinking about how it is going to be a life-changer because your partner said yes; and then, after all that, hitting a brick wall at 100 miles an hour. I truly feel your pain and bewilderment in what you are going through.

It’s like you just slammed your finger in the car door type of hurt. It hurts real bad to see your hopes crushed because it isn’t going the way you always thought it would.

Let me give you some advice if you are the one that wants this bad enough that all you do is think about 24/7. It probably will never truly be happy because it will never be what you want it to be. There will always, more than likely, be something off.

                                   Warning Detour Ahead. 

I have to say this first before I continue with the post that I am very happy with what Bobbie has given me and that she continues to amaze me as she becomes more submissive to me. She has given me her best that she can at this time and she is stretching herself every day trying to accommodate my needs and wants. It is definitely a beautiful work in progress on how much she has grown in this lifestyle. For that sweetie, I am forever grateful most of the time 😈               

                                                End Of Detour 

How do I know this? It’s because I am one of you, I like you have dreamt of the day Bobbie would say yes to DD and when that day came I was the happiest man alive I hit the jackpot or so I thought. We did everything according to the book we talked and talked some more about how we were going to be a team working together. 

The one thing that I didn't take into account was that I am a spanko and Bobbie is not. So what I really want to do, the way I always envisioned it, I will probably never get to do. Bobbie does not like hard spankings, and it is not for just because it hurts, it is because it puts her in a very bad place it is one of her very hard limits. 

One problem you will have is that you are at a different level than your spouse. You have read just about everything there was to read. A lot was good and some not so good. Your spouse probably has read nothing at all if very little. 

Think of it this way, your wife or husband loves exercising. They are fanatics about it. Then they ask you to come to the gym with them to shed some pounds to get healthier.  

So you agree. You see them running top speed on the tread mill and then lifting those weights and not even breaking a sweat. And here you are panting and sucking in air as fast as you can all the while you think they are trying to kill you after being on the tread mill for 5 minutes. 

Then after a few months of swearing you are never going to do this and as time goes by you slowly start to run with the top dogs in the gym. 

How did we work around it? Through a lot of trial and error, communication, experimenting and going slow. Did I say going slow? Checking back yes it’s in there. There are no fast lanes to get from where you are  to where you want to be.  Chances are if you’re in the fast lane you’re going to miss some vital warning signs and end up on a not so good road and there will be damage to repair before you start your trip again. 

So what happens if they can’t come to a level you think you should be? Let me ask you a question, what did you have before you started this journey? If you are like me you had zilch nothing nada. 

Isn’t something better than nothing? Especially if she is doing the best she can. What more can we ask of them?  

I have found I don’t need everything that I wanted or thought that I wanted because we both are working together in making our lives better with each other and when we boil it all down isn’t that what we truly want is to be happy in the short time we are together?

To be continued: 

Bob

Anger

You seem to hear about it every day on the TV news, read it in the newspaper or on the internet feeds on how crazy the world has gotten because people are so angry now and they are lashing out at whomever or whatever they can. 

It has become the focal point in conversations on how angry people are and sadly it seems to be breeding at an exponential rate. All this attention about violence and anger got me thinking about TTWD and does anger have a place in it?

First of all, let me say that violence of any kind has no place in any relationship be it a DD one or a vanilla one. It is abusive non-consensual and it destroys anything that is good. 

Our community is a finicky and very protective one which I am very grateful for. But I have noticed a few hot words that bring fire and brimstone from the person that is offended by what the other person was saying.

The hot word for the day is anger and my post today is "does it have a place in our little community?"   

How many times have we talked to our friends about so and so might be in an abusive situation because he spanked her hard while being angry or read about a blogger telling her story about how angry her husband was when he decided to discipline her.

The common answer from our concerned community most of the time is that the HOH should have waited until he has calmed down enough to address the problem. That DD should be suspended somehow until the HOH is no longer angry. But is that really true?

When the HOH sees red the veins in his neck and head are bulging and ready to pop or if he is destroying things it is probably safe to say he is not in his right frame of mind.  

I think that if for whatever reason the HOH cannot control their anger then they should avoid physical contact altogether. They should walk away and remove themselves from the situation as best as they can till they calm down enough to think rationally then revisit the problem at hand.

The anger obviously that I am talking about is the controlled type where the HOH is still under control of himself mentally and physically to deal with the circumstance in a sane logical manner.

Let's say, for example, that Susan comes home with a speeding ticket that some nice policeman gave her for going over 40 in a 25-mile zone. But she doesn't tell him she just pays the ticket thinking he will never know. 

A few months later the insurance company sends him the new contract on his auto insurance. He opens it and upon seeing the new cost of insuring the car, his eyes bulge, is he angry? I would say hell yeah he is.

He marches in the kitchen shows her the bill and tells her how angry he is then grabs her by the elbow and directs her into the bedroom and spanks her. But the big difference here is he is still under control and not screaming or saying how he is going to make her regret getting the ticket or saying regretful things that he will be sorry for later. 

I cannot imagine an HOH peppering his wife's butt for doing something wrong without being angry about it. Think about it for a second. The last long spanking you got for doing something really bad was he angry or very upset? I would say you would snicker and say oh yeah there was perhaps smoke coming out of his nose.

By him being angry he is relaying to his wife while spanking her that he is not a happy camper with what she has done and will not tolerate it. Also his tone of voice will indicate to her that he is highly upset with her.

Again I will say that violence of any kind has no place in any relationship be it a DD one or a vanilla one. It is abusive non-consensual and it destroys anything that is good. 

joke

When Paul and Susan first got married Paul said, "I am
putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Susan never
looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans
and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such
contents. That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Susan could no longer contain her
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,
Paul. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Paul thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again."

Susan was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Paul thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Susan asked Paul, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Paul answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with
empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."

Bob

We're Back

Well hello again to everyone in blog land. I can't believe that it's been three-plus years since my last post. I sometimes look at my blog and shake my head over three years of not writing anything. So much for a small break. 

Isn’t it funny when you have a routine doing a project or activity on a regular basis and then stop doing it for whatever reason there is this little voice in your head always telling you that you forgot to do this thing that was a part of your daily activity? Well that voice never went away and I finally caved to that nagging voice in my head.

After my last post, this is what my weekly norm was like. Phase one: I would type a paragraph then erase it repeat it several times because I didn't like it. It felt like I didn't have anything more to say, It looked like (to me) I was getting to the point where I was repeating myself; and if you are like me I hate having to read something that has been repeated. It was like as if I was beating a dead horse. I also didn't want you the reader to be bored with the blog I have more respect for you and your time than do that to you. Plus I didn't want to run this into the ground. I wanted to go out on a good note.

Towards the end of my short-lived writing career, Bobbie (bless her heart)would track me doing my new routine. Staring at the computer, peck at the keyboard then erase it. Then I would get up. Walk around and then go back to the computer. Erase what I wrote then stare at the computer as if it would type something magically telling me what to write about.

Bobbie’s radar started chirping madly when I stopped and looked at her with pleading eyes knowing that her time had come when I would drag her into my dilemma of writers' block.  

Bobbie was magnificent! She should have won an Oscar for playing her part perfectly. She sat there listening to me as if I were the only person in the world that had a problem. No eye rolls no banging her head on the kitchen table. It was truly amazing.

After I asked her the question, she took my hands into hers and said, "What about this? I told her did that "Then what about that?" I again told her did it already. 

 Then with a big smile, she said: “Write about your favorite sport SPANKING.” That got a big smile from me but then I realize how many people have the time to read a small book on my thoughts on spanking? Not many I would think.

 Then with an exasperated voice, she calmly said "Well then you’re the HOH in this family I am sure you will come up with something or go talk to Walter he'll be able to give you some advice" Then walked away to make dinner.

 A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a couple of my blogger friends telling them I was thinking of writing again and to my surprise, they agreed that I should. 

 The seed has been planted and starting to grow. How long will this little adventure last? I honestly can't answer that. I am going to try a different approach the writings will be on my mind. It will be about DD. The evil things that Bobbie does to me to get my blood boiling and her dad with his OCD ways to drive us nuts and how we are coping with his Parkinson's.

 So what have we been doing for three years? We have been active in the DD community and just shifted gears in another direction. I may or may not have mentioned it before but Bobbie and I have been monitoring a DD chat room for the past six years. 

We have made some very close friends there and some not so close. We try to use this room as a platform to help other like-minded people pointing them to the sites we trust to find the information they are seeking about DD and to talk about how they incorporated DD into their relationship and life in general. If you are interested in checking us out by clicking on the link The DD Chat Room.

Walter is still with us and yes his hearing is still amazing. The man can hear everything but unfortunately, he needs more of our help which keeps us close to the house so we can be of assistance to him (boss us around) lol.

Then there is our two dogs who think they own us the way they make us run around chasing them and doing their bidding letting them out and chasing them when they steal things from our bedroom. 

 So I am going to have plenty of time to write something on my blog and maybe, just maybe meet some new friends along the way. If you are game for some entertainment stop by and see what is on my mind and maybe we can swap some ideas about DD. 

Oh yeah questions are more than welcome here and all will be answered if we can.

One of the things that I learned from being off for three-plus years is that I came to the realization that if we don't talk or post how can other people who are either searching or want to talk to like-minded people. It is a good place to know they are not alone in TTWD.


Bob

Email

A while back I got a email from a person I am calling xxxxxxxx and they weren't going batso trying to save Bobbie and me from ourselves. They were polite in their questions about DD and at first I wasn't going to answer the email but then thought it would be an interesting conversation to see where it would go.  

I am very interested in what would you have said if they sent it to you?

Bob

So, I have read all your blog, interesting reading for sure. 

I want to say, that you are of course free to choose whatever kind of relationship you want, as long as you both consented, but your pseudo-philosophical justifications of your lifestyle's superiority are just a mockery of reason. 

How can anyone claim that letting someone to make all decisions about myself does not mean i gave up my independence? It means exactly that, to claim otherwise is to claim contradiction in terms, you can't eat a cookie and have a cookie at the same time, you can't give up something and still have it, simple as that. 

How can you argue that giving someone all the power over myself does not mean sacrificing my own ambitions, desires, goals, needs or even personality? It means exactly that, when i am able to do only as much as he allows me, he can order me to do anything he wants, he can forbid me everything he feels right, so it means exactly that, sacrificing own ego, giving away all my will, with only a vague hope that he will not be too harsh with me, but even if he is, i still have no other choice but to submit.

If i want to do something you don't want me to do, and after all disscusion, at the end it is i who have to yield and resign, it means that my will was sacrificed on the altar of yours, defeated by your right to enforce rules on me, it's a mere fact, all your reasons does not matter, facts are not disputable. 

Also, it is hard not to laugh to read that a person described as "strong" needs someone to set her rules and to enforce them by using physical violence (something we are usually not doing even to kids anymore, really...), is it really a "strong" person which needs an overlord to take care of her life? Something around 99% of the population doesn't need? Is this some kind of dialectics? What does this "strong" means? Giving up control over your life, sacrificing your mind and free will and puting yourself completely at the mercy of someone has nothing to do with strength of any kind, in every definition or example i've heard of. 

I hope for an answer.

xxxxxxxxxxx


Hello xxxxxxxxx

First of all I want to say thank you for taking the time to read the whole blog. I am impressed that you did that plus you realize that this is our life the way we choose to live and because of that I will try to answer your questions to the best of my ability. Let me try to explain to you how a DD relationship is and is not. 

A DD relationship is NOT about one person nor is it about lording over their partner to subjugate them to be lesser than what they are capable of being. They are not intimidated into silence by being afraid to speak their mind or to pursue their own desires in what makes them happy.

What a DD relationship actually entails is a loving caring environment between two people who agree to better their relationship in all that they do. They work as a TEAM so that they can enjoy each other and to also see that they reach their full potential in whatever they envision themselves to be.

This is the way Bobbie and I do our Domestic Discipline relationship. When we started DD many years ago we talked about how the dynamic might help and also hinder us in what we wanted to do. Once we agreed that the good outweighed the bad we wrote down what was important to us and what was not.

In our relationship, we decided that I would be the HOH (head of household) not because I am better than Bobbie but because I analyze and take my time in making a decision while Bobbie shoots from the hip when situations come up.

The next phase was to make up rules or goals that both of us would abide by. How did we do that? By writing down what was important to us at the time and passing the list to one another to critique if it should be added or not.

An example would be if Bobbie did not want a spanking for (insert rule here) then it would never happen because I respect her decision on how she wants it to be. This process took a long time it was not something we took lightly. So now that you know it was not for the kink or decided lightly to be one up on Bobbie I will try to give you a glimpse of how we operate.

Our rules are very few and we both have our chores to do like any other relationship, she cleans and cooks; I do the maintenance and yard work outside. I also help her clean and do the laundry when I am not doing my other chores. So you see I am not sitting on a throne cracking a whip telling Bobbie what to do.

I keep in touch with her by talking to her to see where she is on her emotion meter and if I see her stressing or is off on her chores I will pitch in to help her. If I don’t notice that she is to tell me that she needs help to get her back on track.

By doing this we have found that we have grown closer to one another because now neither one of us feels we are doing this alone. I want her to succeed in what she does. I don’t want to micromanage her. I married her because she is intelligent and can think on her own.

Bobbie can do most anything she wants. I will never hold her back. As for the money when it comes to purchases over x amount of dollars she is to tell me and we talk about it then make our decision accordingly and yes I am to follow the same rule. It is more common sense than anything else. 

If there is a big decision to be made that will affect us in a big way, we will talk about it. Voicing both sides as we see them and if she is still not in agreement with me I will sit back and think about what she has said and we will talk and research the problem together. Again this is something that I take very seriously. If she is that adamantly against it then I best listen to make sure I did not miss anything.

Now to the part of disciplining her I do nothing without her approval before hand. These are rules that she feels she needs help with. It is not to subjugate her to bend her knee to me but to make her feel better and that she can conquer anything she wants in life. It just so happens that spanking is not used. We tried it and it didn’t work for us. When one of her rules is broken, I usually take a personal thing away like no reading her book for the night.

Look at it this way when you’re on a trip with your husband their can only be one driver both of you can’t drive so that means either you or him can drive but it can’t be both. Although the driver has control of the wheel and knows that he needs to get from point A to point B he can’t do it alone. He needs a navigator. Someone who can tell him of all the possible routes to get there.

The navigator tells the driver of all the road blocks and hazards along the way because they are constantly communicating to one another. This does not mean there will not be bumps or detours along the way but that there will be fewer of them.

I can only vouch for Bobbie and I how we do things talk to someone else and you will get something different. I hope this answers your questions on why and how we do DD.


Hi

You see, i have read a lot of DD (for me, these letters were always abreviation from "Dungeons and Dragons") blogs recently, i have found that subculture (don't know if it's a right word, but it was the first that came to my mind) just by an accident, and i was kind of disturbed by what i have read.  

Well, it's your life, i don't have a right to tell you what to do, it's simply not up to me to decide. Also, i don't want to discuss about feelings, feelings are completely subjective, the same thing that makes you joyful, can make me angry, so no common ground here. I just hope you understand that you may feel well in such kind of relationship, and it may bring good results to you, but it does not mean that anyone else would feel the same, and that anyone else would want that. I also hope you understand that things such as creating loving enviroment, communicating, growing close to and enjoying each other are by no means exclusive to your lifestyle. 

As for the rest, you claim that it's not about subjugating or lording over your partner, but i see it's evidently that way. You may value her opinion very much, and it may be very important for you to hear it, but as long as you have a final authority over everything, and you are the one making final decisions, it has to actually mean that at the end, after all discussion you can act against her judgement, you can force her to do something she doesn't want to, and you can forbid her something, otherwise it would mean you don't have a full authority and there are decisions you can't make. So if you are not enforcing something on her, it's only because of your goodwill, but it still means (at least theoretical) that you can do it and she can't resist. If you were never going to use that power, there would be no point in even having it. Imagine yourself a despotic monarch, like egyptian pharaoh, there are no boundaries to his power, there is not a thing he can't do, he may be all nice, carring and merciful, but it's only his choise no to use his unlimited power, and all his subjects are at his mercy all the time.  

About disciplining her, well, if she feels she needs it to feel better and to help her achieve her goals, i am not going to judge. But taking away my personal things is something my parents were doing when i was a little girl, i find it really difficult to understand that a grown, intelligent woman may need something like that, for me it looks like some kind of fetish only. It is also kind of strange that only one of you need to be constantly disciplined for breaking the rules both of you previously agreed to establish, were they especially created for her to follow, not for both of you?  

You analogy about car driving is not convincing. When you are driving a car, there is only one obvious goal, to drive from point a to point b, and only one way to achieve that. In a relationship, you can't say something like that. Of course we may say that, for example, loving each other, or making our lives better are such obvious goals, well, absolutely, but those mean nothing without context, probably they don't have the same meaning for us, and we wouldn't agree on a way to achieve them.  

But at the end, i dissagree with your lifestyle, but i can respect your choice, as long as you do accept mine (by the way, some other DD bloger i have written to were arguing that i should submit even if i don't want to, and even if it doesn't make me happy, because it's "natural", really, do people never get tired of this appeal to nature fallacy?).  

Best regards 

Hello xxxxxxx 

Thank you for writing back I was wondering what you thought about my observation on DD lol and it was what I thought it would be.  

Just to let you know when I answered your first email it was not my intent to try to convince you in any way to join our little lifestyle because as you know and have indicated that this life style is not for everyone.

I would like to apologize for the person(s) that said that you must submit anyways because people like that are users they have no concept. on what a DD relationship is. As I have stated in my previous letter this is a two way street both parties must want it for it to work. But you have peaked my curiosity why since you think this life style is demeaning to woman why are you reading DD blogs? The reason I ask this question is because the only people that read such blogs are either researching the life style, has a kink about it or is on a mission on changing everyone's mind that this is bad and I have ruled out the latter that your not on a mission to save me lol. 

If I don't hear from you again you have a blessed life with your partner and I hope you are extremely happy in yours.

Bob   

 So what did I get out of this? This is really the first time I tried to explain what DD does for us and why we do it. At first I was happy with what I said but now the more I read it I think I could have explained it a bit better  but like all things in life this was a learning exercise in communicating what we do and why.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Bob

tih view

These are my thoughts on this subject and what works for us.  

I am a grown woman, not a little child, and I did not want to go into this relationship with Bob having to watch me constantly making sure I got the job done. Yes I need him to give me guidance but I do not need to be micromanaged. I also do not think it is his job to keep reminding me that something needs to be done.  After all how could I say I reached my goal with him constantly reminding m

For example:

When Bob and I first started this dynamic, we talked about wanting me to email him every day. Once we established the guidelines and made it a set rule, Bob would remind me if he did not receive an email by 10 p.m.  As we evolved and he was getting emails daily he no longer reminded me and left it up to me to remember. He now only reminds me if he knows I have had a stressful day or something was out of the norm.  Because he would know that I would forget and instead of letting me fail, he would gently remind me once to email him.  Once acknowledged then it is up to me to email him.

When we started this dynamic, and realized that we needed to change things I did not want Bob to do everything for me. I want to do this on my own. First to show him that I can do it and two because I know that if I don’t do it by myself it will mean nothing to me. It would like Bob would be making all my decisions and I would be mindlessly following him.

I do like when I get the occasional reminders because it gives me more confidence knowing that he is still paying attention. That the goals/rules that we set are still important to him and he is watching to make sure that they are accomplished

The perfect example is when Bob decided to write his post and I told him I would like to write my view. He reminded me a couple times but when he saw that I was starting to get stressed out he backed off for a day.  He said that you have until Tuesday to do it and I will be glad to help.  And the reason he offered his help is because I am a wonderful speller, grammar, and punctuation coach. But when it comes to putting my thoughts on paper or talking about them I stress.  Who would have thought that after 25 plus years of composing my own letters for work I would have a hard time?

I am happy to say that most of this is my own with a little guidance from Bob. 

Bobbie

Happy New Year

              

      

Bob and Bobbie